SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about two and a half months ago my wife had been having an EA for around a year that became a PA for about the last six months until D-Day. We had been having some problems that are typical of any marriage - financial stress, job stress, house needing work done, etc. - that led to some communications problems. But not problems that could not be worked out by putting in some effort and understanding. She always told me that our love could withstand any problems we had and would have in the future and that we would come out stronger and smarter because of it. I always believed the same. Well, within a three or four months after the birth of our second son, I noticed she started becoming somewhat distant and was hanging out with her friends more and more. One day, last August, that seemed quite tense I asked her what I could do to make her happy. She then tells me that she doesn't feel like she's 100 percent in love anymore. I was heartbroken to hear this and shocked in the sense that it seemed really out of character for someone who was always very sensitive to others feelings. We went to MC a few times but she seemed to not respond in anything but a predetermined negative way. I have since discovered that she had been having the EA with the other guy for months before this. She made it seem like there was nothing I could do to reconnect with her. The wall she built to keep me from reconnecting was quite in place. She wanted a "trial separation" which consisted of her spending the night at one of her girlfriends place while I stayed at the house with our two children. Turns out this was just a ruse to allow her to go to the other guys place while I thought she was at her girlfriends place. Then on D-day I discovered a love letter she had written the other guy. Needless to say, I was shattered. She immediately placed all blame on me for her having an affair. I told her that the problems in our marriage were half my fault and half her fault - but stooping to having an affair was 100 percent her decision - not mine. At first she hesitatingly answered some of my question but they were almost all complete lies. She doesn't want to answer anymore questions because she says it will only cause more hurt. She simply doesn't want to face that she has done something to someone that she very well knew that she would NEVER want anyone to do to her - yet she did it anyway. She cannot handle the reality of that.

We have now been seperated for just over a month. She still doesn't want to talk about it and shuts down any conversation when the subject comes up. Sometimes she says we can work it out and sometimes she seems like it's impossible. Right now I have no idea whether this is worth reconciling or not. It tears my heart out to think of my sons coming from a broken home. Before all this, we provided a great, loving family for them. But, sometimes I think i'm more likely to find Jimmy Hoffa before I find forgiveness for her betrayal, lies, deception, and disregard for our sons' future.

The only people I have spoken to about this are my IC and my brother. I have not told anyone else. Two of her close friends know about it and are keeping it under wraps for her and she obviously doesn't want anyone else to know about it for risk of being rightfully seen as a cheating POS. What angers me is that, under identical circumstances, if I had been the one who had been having sleeping with some woman then everyone who could be told would have been told and my name would have been trashed around town.

She claims that she broke it off immedialely after I found out and has only seen the guy in passing. I don't believe she has met with him again but has probably communicated via phone or text. I'm at the point where I want to exercise the nuclear option of letting the cat out of the bag and telling any and everyone willing to listen. I don't know but i'm so tired of this roller coaster ride.

Going nuclear with the exposure is a good start. Start with the people that care about her the most.

How can you be sure she isn't seeing the OM since you're seperated?

Having her served with divorce papers at work is also another very strong method of shocking her out of the little fantasy life she is in.

[This message edited by keko at 6:52 PM, May 6th (Sunday)]

I'm somewhat ambivalent about telling others about her affair because I keep regard of the teeny sliver of a chance/hope of reconciliation. On the other hand some shame and humiliation may be the only way to get her to face the reality of what she has done. I don't want to do it out of vengeance but it is quite difficult keeping it to myself - especially knowing that I would not get the same regard from her and her friends if it was me who committed this.

I'm not sure if i'm ready to play the divorce card yet but have definitely been looking at life beyond this marriage. The only way I will serve the divorce notice is if I intend to carry it out completely - not as a threat. The way I feel now is that there is little hope - but for the sake of any chance of R and for the sake of my sons having a intact home then I want to be able to exhaust all options first.

I really fucking hate what she has done. She had all the opportunity to get a divorce first or work on the issues that she and we had. Instead she chose lies, deceit, betrayal, and defiling herself. Yet, the work she had to do maintain this responsibility-free fantasy world was far more so than if she tried to work on herself and her issues.

I went for many months keeping his affair secret. I didn't want our kids to know if we got together. You might try some investigation. Either hire someone or do some snooping yourself. She is, of course, ashamed and does not want anyone to know what she did. My ex didn't even want our kids to know after he filed for divorce.

But there is a chance that you could reconcile. It would be better if less people knew. She is definitely in a fog. She is guilty, ashamed, and that is why she had to place blame on you. She had to justify what she did.

So, maybe investigate and see what you can dig up.

Exposure is not to be done for revenge rather to put pressure on the WS to stop the affair and come back to reality.

As for divorce it is another shock and awe tool. You can pull back your petition anytime you wish. Again being served in front of others may seem as revenge to you yet it's another powerful tool to shock a WS.

Keptmyword, I am so sorry. It feels like the hurt from the betrayal is never going to end. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That's all you can do till it gets better. Everyone assures me that it eventually does get better. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Herewego,

Yes, she still has not looked in the mirror and continues with the blaming. It seems she keeps rewriting the marriage history so as to shore up her failing justifications for committing something that she would never want anyone else to do to her. It's difficult to imagine she can maintain this blaming facade for long - I would get quite tired of shoveling the bullshit to keep the pile so high.

Keko,

I feel like a damn that wants to burst sometimes. I've heard about outing the affair to shame the WS into reality but I don't think i've read here at SI about if it actually has worked. If I do it then it will be as strategically as possible. I don't want to tell my parents or her parents just in case we somehow reconcile. But there are others, like certain friends of hers, that view her as someone with a halo over her head. Obviously that view would change with this revelation. I'm still thinking on it.

Brokenhearted,

Thanks, i'm doing what I can. It seems like i'm not quite as heartbroken at this point but more angry. Although I am perpetually heartbroken for my two young sons. They did not deserve this. Relationship problems are one thing - and every single marriage/relationship has them - but infidelity/lying/deception are another - and they did not deserve that.

Problems in a marriage are one of many aspects of dealing with life that children learn from. If there is a problem then you use love, respect, communication understanding, persistence, and hard work at solving the problem(s). The only lesson they will get from infidelity is that when there are problems to be faced, just run away from them and find the easiest and nearest place you can forget about any responsibility.

Bro I feel you on all of this, but telling here parents was one of the best things I did (actually just her mom, her dad was dying of cancer at the time so I held it together for his sake while I was there.) But women often turn to their parents for advice and the parents advice and often approval is a big deal for them, so telling the parents, or rather being honest with them can only help your situation. Telling your parents is your decision, but I will say this, that pain your feeling from the deceit stems from you wanting to be an honest person, so don't tarnish yourself by being dishonest to save her honor, trust me, she would not do the same for you.

For me I have told less people because I'm still ashamed that it happened to me, ya know because its so demasculating. I feel your pain, and that sucks dude.

Emptyshelldad,

Even though we are separated, I am still on very good terms with her parents. But, telling them is risky. Although they would be disappointed with her infidelity it could come off as me being vengeful and attacking their daughter which would just create more division. It could work as it did for you but again it is risky.

There is no shame on your part in this happening to you. I feel heartbreak, anger, disgust, and betrayal, but no shame whatsoever. The only shame lies with her and her alone. You are no less a man because your wife was unfaithful. In fact, in her doing so she is less a woman, less a mother, less a wife, and less a human.

You kept your word, I kept my word, and there is pride in that - no shame whatsoever.

Kept

Look, you know your situation and you know your fears. All I can tell is you that you also know you are worst enemy here. It *sounds* to me you are not willing to take a stand. And that is not meant as an attack, just as a fact that you are willing to keep her secret in the hopes that you can "nice" her out of her affair.

Well, you cannot. You can rugsweep. You can delude yourself. You can share her with OM, because that is what is going on, even if they are not having sex again now.

But do you really want that?

Look, there are ways to manage communcations with the people that you tell, BUT TELL YOU MUST. Listen to your gut. Your fears are telling you to ignore what you know you have to do, but deep inside, you know that exposure is critical.

If you really, really want to move forward with your WW, one way or another (and not continue this hell called limbo), you need to live authentically. You cannot live authentically by pretending that keeping this under wraps is a good thing.

Gather some of your best evidence, scrub the sources, and prepare a statement for your in-laws. Simple is best. Your daughter has been having a sexual affair with scOM for xx months. We have had problems in the marriage, of which I accept my half of the blame. Yet, her decision to commit adultery is entirely hers. She is self-destructing and as much as I have tried to reach out to her to attempt reconciliation, she continues her contact with her affair partner."

You can be sympathetic, factual, and concise. Let them know you love and respect them and that she will need their love to help her out of her darkness.

I hope you are able to become proactive and do what is needed to move forward.

Strength to you brother.

I rarely post in this forum because it can be tough to be here for too long, but this one spoke to me.

Your WW is exactly like my exWH. The lies, the distance, the blame shifting and the worst, the trial separation and horrible limbo. I know exactly how you feel and that you are in hell right now over this.

I never understand why they don't just rip off the band aid and tell the truth. Why they feel the need to torture someone that they say they once loved. All I can imagine is that they are cowards. They want to dip a toe into this new, exciting fantasy, but don't want to completely lose the stability of the M yet. They also don't want to lose their home, children, money, reputation, etc. I think they live minute to minute and have no idea which way is up when deep in the fog.

At this point, you have to do what I had to do - really take a look at whether you could reconcile for real or whether this is simply a deal breaker. Take a look at what shes saying and doing and decide if this is someone you want to walk through this hell with.

You also have to decide for yourself how long you are going to let her jerk you around and keep you hanging onto the hope that she knows you have. It's awful when they take such advantage of the hope. It's so disrespectful and cruel. The problem is, it only stops when you say so. When you have just had enough.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to take this time away from her and use it to think about what you want and what you see in a partner. Take this time to really ask the hard questions and act for yourself without any regard for what she might do in the future.

I know it's so hard and so unfair, especially when they do what ours do - slink away gradually and without the whole truth so we can do nothing but sit by and watch the slow death of our relationships. She took away all of your control over your own destiny. Take it back. Either tell her in no uncertain terms what you need right now, today, to save this marriage, or else she needs to hire a lawyer. As hard as this is, don't allow yourself to be her back up plan. You are worth so much more than that and, as you said in your own prio post, she, right now, is much less than what you deserve.

Is the OM married? Do you know for a fact that he isnt..or are you just going by what your WW has told you? Anything she tells you about him is suspect. I noticed you said she spent the night at his place..but it's very possible his wife was out of town on business or family related reasons.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:34 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

Reallyscrewedup,

Well said. I agree with all you say. I am not trying to "nice" her out of this at all - though I understand why you might get that impression. You are very correct in that the current situation is a perpetual limbo where there is no change in the situation in either direction.

I don't think keeping it under wraps is a good thing and I don't think that it should be. I've been hesitant in telling others (her/my/our friends, relatives, in-laws) because in the angry state of mind i've been in I don't want to do it recklessly and come off to the people I tell as me looking for revenge. I need to do this with a level head and in a strategic manner so it is effective. But I agree - it needs to be, and will be exposed.

Thanks. There is strength in your words.

Suckstobeme,

Thanks for your very wise and heartfelt reply. Everything you said is true. Functioning in this state is very difficult. I do go between thinking that there is no way I could trust or believe someone who threw all sense of values and morality in the trash in order to do something that has resulted in nothing but pain for the family she once had - and then I think that I should attempt to hold out to attempt R in order to know I exhausted all options.

As you unfortunately know, it is a terrible hell to be in. I'm sorry that you have had to pass your experience to those who are experiencing it now. You seem a wonderfully aware person who, like me and my two sons, did not deserve this.

Thanks.

Confused615,

No, he is not married. He is a fifty year old divorced and childless man. He knows who I am, knew my wife is married, and knew that we have two young sons. Obviously, he, nor my wife, cared about how the impact that their selfish, childish, and unsustainable fantasy world would affect our two children. Our two young sons are now going through the turmoil associated with infidelity, the lies and deceptions that go with it, and the bitter separation of the family that they cherished more than anything in this world.

It's possible that I could see and understand if the guy was a young and dumb twenty-some year old who didn't really realize what damage he was causing - but this was a FIFTY year old man who KNEW what damage his decision would do to a family and especially two very young boys. Then again - he doesn't know for one second the responsibility and protective instinct of being a father. This man is the worst kind of opportunistic pussy there is.

So sorry for what you are going through, it is a true nightmare. You are getting some great advice here.

It is so hard to believe that our spouses are capable of making such a horrific choice, isn't it?

As far as telling others, I chose to tell the people close to me, the people I needed to lean on. I had a right to do that for myself. Yes, their feelings about your WW will always be different, but they will support you and your sons, no matter what the future brings, because they love you.

And something you said in your OP jumps out at me--about providing a loving home for your sons. You will ALWAYS be able to do that, even if it's not the way you had originally planned.

The limbo ends when you say it does....

My limbo ended when I got sick and tired of the ex dictating the terms of my limbo... It was then the anger kicked in... The anger for me was the motivating fuel to literally save myself from her actions, decisions and crazy making.....

Before she knew what happened I was away from all her bullshit... Really, that's what it is, bullshit... When she forced my back against the wall it was on like Donkey Kong....

You know, sometimes you've got to fight for your life and the lives of your kids without regard for the person who put your security at risk...

When I let go of the outcome and moved in my own direction away from her and her craziness I began my journey away from her nightmare....

WB

I feel like a damn that wants to burst sometimes. I've heard about outing the affair to shame the WS into reality but I don't think i've read here at SI about if it actually has worked. If I do it then it will be as strategically as possible. I don't want to tell my parents or her parents just in case we somehow reconcile. But there are others, like certain friends of hers, that view her as someone with a halo over her head. Obviously that view would change with this revelation. I'm still thinking on it.

keptmyword, sorry to be blunt but you sir are in big time denial. Hoping for the best will not get you the best. If you had a chance to read reconciliation stories what you'll see is almost all WSs were shocked out of the so called "fog" with hard exposure/consequences. When they accpeted what they did and showed true remorse only then was reconciliation "successful".

I can respect you don't want to hurt your family/friends with exposing her affair but unfortunately without her facing the consequences of her affair you will be waiting in limbo for a loooong time.

Keko,

The dam has burst. I have told several people of the affair. These people all live close to the home of the AP and it turns out they all had suspicions about it anyway. More significantly, I told her mother. I was somewhat afraid that she would jump to the defense of her daughter but she was actually disgusted and disappointed by her daughters actions. I later got a call from my sister-in-law and she apologized to me and expressed her disappointment in her sister. They both plan on talking to her.

I am not expecting much as my wife continues to rewrite our marriage history. She has now extended it all the way to questioning the entire marriage. At this point i'm not really concerned of her view of anything. I wouldn

[This message edited by keptmyword at 8:40 AM, May 9th (Wednesday)]

Sorry for the interrupted post.

I wouldn't want to spend 10 seconds in the state of mind that she is in. This woman has turned into something that is irresponsible, uncommitted, and full of excuses. At this point it is a matter of protecting my kids from this mindset.