I have been married almost 16 years and together 20 with my wife. We have three kids together.
We separated in 2010 after she engaged in an emotional affair with a mutual friend. I know some of you may be saying: separating after an emotional affair? But, it was horrible. And, it went on for months. Nothing explicitly sexual. No hint of sexual contact. But, they became so close that he became the person she confided in. It was very hurtful. She said she was just helping him through his divorce. I told her she was giving him emotional support and withdrawing it from me. I felt extremely alone. She defended her actions: we are just friends! She attacked me: don't you trust me? Why do you need to control me? I couldn't take it, so i left.
I lived in a separate apartment for 10 months. We both saw other people. Then we both decided to give it another try.
What a mistake that was. We have been "reconciled" for less than a year. During that time she has engaged in a continuous pattern of text flirting and sexting with at least 9 men that I know of. I know for sure that she actually cheated with at least 3 men and maybe more. I don't know all the facts because she lies about everything. I have had periodic access to her email, fb, and cell phone. Sometimes I can guess her passwords, other times I know them from a keylogger on my laptop. But, I only know part of the picture because she does most of her work through her cell and I can't figure out the password.
In any event, I busted her with texts and emails several times. She swore each time: we are just friends, why do you need to spy on me? Why do you need to control me? Don't you trust me? She denied sexual contact up and down. I confronted her like this probably five times in the last nine months.
May 7 was DD. We had a couple of solid weeks together and I let my guard down. Then on May 6 at night she used my laptop where I have a spying program. May 7 in the morning I checked to see what she was up to. I found absolute proof that she cheated with a male co-worker. It was the first time I ever had incontrovertible proof.
I talked to her that night and told her I know she was cheating. I told her I am ending our relationship.
I am at a crossroads. One of the reasons I came back the last time was because I missed my kids so much it brought me to tears. I don't want to be a part-time parent. They need me, especially my boys. I don't want to move out. And, I am reluctant to make her move out because she is a loving and caring mother and the kids would be devastated. Reconciliation is not an option. The trust is simply gone. She is trying to make small steps towards apologizing. But, I could never ever trust her again. It is over.
What I told her is that for now I would like us to maintain the appearance of a married couple, still co-habitate, co-parent, share household duties. In short everything would be like before, except our relationship is over.
I simply don't know what to do about the future. I don't want to separate or divorce right now because I want to be with my kids every day. Also, we have some financial limitations and divorce would be difficult to afford. But, can I really live in a fake marriage and in the same house with this woman for who knows how long? Our youngest is nine. Could I conceivably do this for 8 more years? It has been five days and it is killing me. I just don't know what to do.
To complicate things, she may have cervical cancer from the HPV virus which she got (surprise!) from unprotected sex with one of the idiots. Any suggestions on a future course of action would be appreciated.
