SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have recently returned home after accompanying my in-laws to their daughter’s house; what a depressing experience! The entire time there I didn’t say anything, I didn’t have to. The ex and her new man reminded me of vagabonds; people I would get called to remove from sleeping in front of stores and restaurants. The thinking of most people is, “They are no longer your problem!” True, but even in my other life I would move these poor souls and sometimes give them five dollars as I silently thought, “Here but for the grace of God.”

Isn’t the whole idea of the Grass Is Greener Syndrome to trade up and find better? Isn’t the one left behind the one to miserably walk the earth for the rest of his days; left broken, never to find peace or happiness or love again? Why am I the one standing here hoping nothing out of line is said or done which will rain down yet more despair on these two luckless beings? This Karma Bus we all refer to can be an unforgiving beast with no fluid in its brake lines.

But there I stood, reading everyone’s faces. The look of shame on her mom’s proud face; the look of discomfort on her dad’s face as he wished I wasn’t there to witness the depths his child has reached; the look of desperation on their daughter as her eyes silently screamed, “Help me!”

And then, “Here’s Johnny.” The look of wonder on Mr. W’s face as he probably thought to himself, “Anybody care for coffee?” The man who thought he was going to replace the "Old Man" and get his wife, his house, all the cars, her jewels, and keep everything that was handed to her; the man who thought he could abandon his two sons and HIS wife because of his lust and stupidity, yet still believed in happily ever after. Here in front of me stood a man, which by the ex’s own admission, ended up with a woman who is so depressed over losing her husband and being divorced that she spends days in bed, and calls her ex-husband whenever possible just to hear his voice. Now she regrets what she did and doesn't want to be touched by Mr. Wonderful. – Fate can be so cruel. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

As for the woman I used to know; the one that now looks twenty years older than her true age; the one who was looking for someone else to make her feel wanted, make her feel special, to not concern herself with the day to day responsibilities of a marriage? Well, she too got what she asked for. This woman, once so proud, so pampered; accustomed to only the finest of food and drink; this woman who from my vantage point I see a box of Roman (sp?) Noodles on her counter. (BTW, I now like them) What happened to the woman I so graciously bowed out and away so she could have the freedom to follow her wants and desires? (Okay, I’m being melodramatic; I didn’t graciously do shit. I took my ‘Fuck You’ attitude and left as soon as I found out someone else was tapping that thang)

My father-in-law was very harsh and to-the-point with his demands and what he expected from them if he were to intervene and help (financially) with his daughter’s recovery. She meekly suggested Palm Partners Rehab in Del Rey Beach. Dad said, “No!” This coming week she will fly to California and be enrolled in the A.B.T. program. And, Mr. W. is NOT going! They humbly agreed – As I said, I didn’t say, or have to say a word. I just kept reading everyone’s eyes. And as usual again realized, Mr. Wonderful may have a dick, but he has no balls.

As we left dad was so upset and shaken I asked him to let me drive back to the ranch. He sat there for a long while and finally said, “What the hell does she see in that loser?” to where mom answered, “(Dad) you don’t know your daughter by now? She’d rather die or suffer in a horrible relationship than to admit to the world she was wrong.”

This saga reminds me of Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes extended version of “Bad Luck” – Lord, will it ever end?

The bus K-bus can be very unforgiving to the XWS.

It can be a sad ending for them but what it does to their families is a crime.

A T/J, I just found out today that FT had a heart attack in last few days in Twatland. Just in last few months he's been diagnosed with diabetes, dangerously low blood pressure, very low blood oxygen levels, and not enough blood getting to the brain.

He had a medical excuse for the recent court dates and had to reschedule, now there will probably be another delay.

Oh and he has a bitch of a STBXBW that is trying to kill him.

I wonder how soon TP will blaming you for her ruined life. It is very sad for her but she's a big girl that made bad choices and I feel for her parents. I know how I would be if my DD threw her life away for drugs and a POS excuse for a man.

Hugs 1Kick, girls, and In Laws.

gma

Wow IKick, I oftentimes wish that the Karma bus would run over my exww but ......... How do you feel about seeing her like that?

It isn't Karma. It is simply the fact of life that when you make bad, poorly considered, and hasty decisions there is often a price to be paid for those decisions.

I feel sympathy toward your ex-wife because I believe that there may well be underlying mental health issues (and those are beyond her control). But in your empathy, don't lose sight of the fact that she is not a hapless victim of the cruelties of the Fates. She is an adult woman who made choices. Living with the consequences of our actions isn't the mythical "Karma Bus" it is simply life.

You are a good man, 1Kick at the Cat. (((1Kick))) I am sure this gave you no pleasure. It is so very sad to watch people self destruct, even if they caused you much pain.

Wow 1kick, this is a very sad picture indeed. Sorry man. I can tell you get no joy from this and I wouldn't either. I hope you and yours find a way through this mess, but others are right. She is an adult who is now suiffering the consequences of bad choices. You know it, she knows it and so does everyone else that has to bear witness to this decline. A tragic waste.

Gma, gma, gma: Sir Walter Scott was on the mark when he penned, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Despite all the evil FT has done to you, I can’t help but feel badly for what has been his reward. Murderers, robbers, con men, molesters, cheaters, and the like who find themselves in prison I ask, “Was it worth it?” Murdering someone’s spirit; robbing them of their self-worth; conning them with their lies; cheating someone of their future...Bernie Madoff, I ask you, “Was it worth it?” – gma, we both know, no one gets out of ‘this’ unscathed; not even FT.

Crushed: I know the feeling, initially. However, as time passes the realization that you professed to care for and love this person; no matter what they did in the end, there was lots of good that was shared. If you allow the last month or year cloud the decade(s) of happiness, birth of children, extended families, holidays, vacations shared with the person then that time, indeed, was truly wasted. I cannot be in love with someone for fourteen years and not feel sadness over their pain; no matter the cause.

Southern, I agree with you. In this forum Karma is understood so I use it. In other instances it may be, God’s will, or as the youngsters say, “What goes around comes around.” I personally believe in everything but accept nothing; thus, you only get one kick at the cat. Do I believe in second chances? Yes...with someone else.

SisterMilkShake, what a great name for a rock group. And you’re so right, no pleasure at all. I kept trying to look ‘through’ her eyes hoping to find a glimmer of the girl I used to know.

Yes velveteer, I pray her next month will be productive and the little girl lost will be found and return home the mom she always was and again can be.

Man 1Kick.... So much of what you described is similar to my ex.... I really don't even recognize her.... It really seems like the ex NPD OM replaced the sweet, attractive and smart person with a mere shell of her former self....

I'm with you, I agree to second chances, with someone else...

WB

Wow, I don't get people who can't admit they are wrong and not just cuz I am married to one - it's so much easier and LESS painful to say, "wow, I just totally fucked up".....

CatKicker--

You seem to have a pretty good grip on the situation and a very strong sense of yourself and what you deserve from a wife.

My heart goes out to her parents, especially her dad. I'm glad they took her issues seriously and came out to offer/demand that she seek help for herself. And I'm glad that she accepted that help.

I hope she can get her head on straight for the sake of her daughters.

And again, your posts always make me laugh:

What happened to the woman I so graciously bowed out and away so she could have the freedom to follow her wants and desires? (Okay, I’m being melodramatic; I didn’t graciously do shit. I took my ‘Fuck You’ attitude and left as soon as I found out someone else was tapping that thang)

Thank you, gonnabe. I talked to dad early this afternoon and his spirits are uplifted today. They are passing by tomorrow so I have to go out and buy his Bustello coffee to tame the angry beast. (Personally I need a double shot of Courvoisier in my coffee for my angry beast, but HEY!)

He fully expected a loud confrontation yesterday, but was elated that she willingly agreed to treatment. If you meet this guy you’ll admire and love him as I do. After the divorce his daughter squandered over $60,000 of his corporation’s funds (long, long story) and he replaced it without as much as taking her to task.

Thanks for appreciating my sometimes twisted sense of humor. Throughout my life humor has been my sword, my sheath, and my shield during the most wearisome of times.

Wow, so sad. I feel for your in-laws.

A friend E-mailed me asking about the last sentence: “This saga reminds me of Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes extended version of Bad Luck – Lord, will it ever end?”

I wasn’t clear but it doesn’t have anything with ‘Bad Luck’ per se. after explaining it, it was agreed folks on the public forum might get a much needed moment of levity from the explanation. Lord knows we need some...

I saw Harold Melvin perform live at the Cheetah (subsequently Studio 54) in NYC. The Blue Notes must have played the damn thing for over thirty minutes. Every time they got to the end, the bass player would continue the lick and the band would start from the top. The guys on the dance floor had their silk shirts and bellbottom pants stuck to them and dripping with sweat. The girls’ dresses and white slacks were so soaked you could clearly see (Use your imagination)

People were stumbling from exhaustion but refused to stop dancing or leave the floor. I said to the girl I was with, “Watch, somebody is going to have a coronary here.” With a tone of concern she said, “Lord, will it ever end?” She said it so seriously I almost fell to my knees laughing. To make it worse, she looks at me and said, “What? I’m serious.” I think I lost bladder control right then and there.

Since then when someone tells a long story (Like this one) I say the line and laugh.

Oh, the innocence of youth.

IKick,

Getting back to the subject of wishing for Karma for the exww - I'm not certain that I would feel badly to see her hurting from the choices that she has made. She had the same memories of the years that we spent together but that didn't stop her from trying to destroy me. I suppose when she is thumbing her nose at me I am wishing for Karma and when it hit I will probably feel sorry for her.

Crushed: I know the feeling, initially. However, as time passes the realization that you professed to care for and love this person; no matter what they did in the end, there was lots of good that was shared. If you allow the last month or year cloud the decade(s) of happiness, birth of children, extended families, holidays, vacations shared with the person then that time, indeed, was truly wasted. I cannot be in love with someone for fourteen years and not feel sadness over their pain; no matter the cause.

Crushed47

Hi Crushed: I in no way give ANYONE advice. All I can do explain my point of view and the steps “I” took. Everybody’s situation is different with a different set of circumstances.

A friend is being told by his wife, “You’re never home and when you are, you’re tired. That’s why I did what I did.” What? The guy is working double shifts so she and the kids will have what they need to live a comfortable life and this is her excuse for cheating? “Fuck that ungrateful, thankless bitch!” You see, that’s the way I see his state, but I also know that’s not the way he sees it; so I’ll say, “Have you explained to her that you don’t sit behind a desk for sixteen hours; you would love to come home and enjoy your family but your responsibility to provide for them physically drains you?” I may be thinking that you’re fucking this worthless shithead who can give you all his attention because he doesn’t have a job and you’re probably taking care of his needs with my hard-earned money!

I see SI like an open vegetable bin. You don’t pick up the prepackaged carton of tomatoes, you have to pick and choose each one and select the ones best suited for you. I wrote this to another member, I’ve copied it and posted it here for you. Hope it helps.

A compilation:

Now let me address myself directly to you. I’m not woman bashing here, but there are countless of books geared to women on the subject of betrayal. For us (men), squat. Women need not read one word of this as it is something that may cut at your very core. No, that doesn’t mean this is mean spirited. It is truly directed at traildad, there is NO woman bashing here, and although divorce requires separation of a man and woman, this is for traildad to understand his solution as a man NOT a woman.

Traildad, mind you, I think you need to be the good guy here. To you guys that cheated on your wife, or abused her or the children or simply were too selfish to know a good thing when you had it, you don’t need to read any further. I’ll address myself to real men that are both strong and sensitive. I don’t mean a metro-sexual guy, I mean a guy that simply is well rounded and has no mental hang-ups. I'd say more but I don't want to look like I'm picking on anybody.

Please read and reread then read the next few chapters until you fully understand and believe them.

It is not and wasn’t your fault. Your first job to being a happily divorced man is first understood it’s not your fault. This is HARD, and can take months to fully accept, let alone appreciate.

You will be single, not divorced! Know that you are not divorced. You are single. If you are a parent, then you are a father. If you are not a parent, you are simply single. Forget the word divorced. That word only applies to your ex-wife once those papers are signed.

Find happiness with yourself first. Understand being single doesn’t mean it’s time to go looking for a new relationship. You have to be ready for one first and if you are newly separated or divorced, you are not ready. You have to find happiness with yourself before finding it with others. This can take weeks, months or years, but keep your eye on the ball. Focus on you first.

She will regret it, you should know this. Talking to lots of people I’ve found, and I’m dead serious is that your ex lives, or will live, with regret. Now we all hear the stories about how men won’t ask for directions when lost etc. Whatever, this is an old wives tale (no pun intended). We men know different, we are not stubborn Neanderthals. If you are like me you resent the commercials on TV where the woman knows how to open the baby stroller in one click while the guy stares at her in amazement because he could never be that smart. And here is the one fact you should never forget no matter how hard she tells you otherwise. She WILL regret leaving you!

Women are the most prideful creatures and they will never let you know they are hurt or have regret, but they will let others know, especially their girlfriends which is another story; the point is they do regret losing you. What does this mean? Well it doesn’t mean you go running back to them. Remember women are the most prideful creatures, they don’t do “sorry” or “I was wrong.” Remember all those fights she started yet you had to say you were sorry? Nothing’s changed. Just because she regrets it doesn’t mean you should try and go back to her. If that is to ever be, let her make the first, second, third and every move thereafter. Otherwise you will make an ass out of yourself with advice half used. No, what it means is that you are worthwhile! You are valid as a man that is good. Prep yourself for the next better woman should one come along, yet another story for another time.

Another thought on the regret issue. Women that divorce regret divorce on many levels. They find out that they not only lost a companion and source of kindness, and friend, they learn they lost their history. They live in the past. Remember how your wife would bring up something you did wrong by them from months or years past? Remember how you knew it was ancient history and had no bearing on your relationship today, BUT! To her it did! Guess what, even in separation or divorce it still does to her! But only now you are gone. Now she is alone to remind herself and only herself of her mistake. Meanwhile how do we deal with those exact same past problems? We forget them. It’s just not that easy for a woman, I don’t know why but that is how it is for women. They could be reading this article right now and say, “Oh yeah, I’ll show you!” and still not be able to forget things. So believe me, she lives with regret and reminded constantly.

She is stuck with that regret from the day she made the decision to move on to the day she dies. From what I have observed, sadly this is just how women work; are they all like this? No, but most are. While a woman will internalize things, we men move on. We accept things, they refuse to accept things. This doesn’t make women bad; it is just what they are in my opinion. That is why God put men and women together in the first place, to help each other through our knuckleheaded ways.

Unfortunately divorce was never in God’s plan and this is where things get ugly. Now this is about you, traildad, how you can go on, because women have tons of books on the subject and we men don’t have any books. So any woman reading this will have to accept that we men don’t get much in the way of support and understand my goal is to help you through what can be the worst time of your/our life. Understand, we (men) do give our hearts to one woman; (Despite the statistics there are many of us around) it is a big adjustment for a man when he actually commits to one woman and she decides she wants something more, and turns away a good man.

I am always hoping all the Just Found Outs and Wayward Sides will eventually move to the Reconciliation forum. It truly pains me when anyone ends up in Divorce/Separation.

Well, I just found out today that my exww cost me another $12K. I'm pissed. Right now, I hope that my exww gets exactly what she deserves; to be lower than low when loserboss dumps her ass and she has no job, no family, no place to live, etc. And when that happens, I will not feel in the slightest sorry for her.

Weird that what you wrote about women, Kick, describes my WH. Maybe he's a girly man?

Nordic, I was thinking the same thing about my WxH.

1 kick, extraordinary post, thank you :)

1Kick-

That's got to be nice. My WW's mainly basically pat her on the head & say everything's gonna be okay. Hate to say it but I sometimes wish she had a "normal" addiction rather than the crazy need for attention that got us here...maybe then her family would "get it" rather than unknowingly encourage it.