SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Then I have been cheated on multiple times.

I asked him not to go... 10 years ago he came home wreaking of a stripper... I was devastated...

after d-day #2 this year, he admitted he went a 'handful" of times since that night 10 years ago...

The whole situatioin I am in makes me sick to my stomach...

I can;t believe I had three kids with this man...

I'm angry with myself more than anyone else cause I could have walked away then, but I chose to give him a chance...

I chose to forgive and forget...

and now he has slept with a prostitute...

He spent countless nights at bars "flirting with women", buying them drinks and pretending to be single...

NOW...

he is remorseful...

aesir:

you are right... in my city it is.

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 1:26 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]

To the broken gal above: did you marry him young? With the 10 year age difference, perhaps the wonder wore off as you grew older and he went looking for younger ones again. I know how this is...I was once with a man 10 years older than me. And I can relate, I've been cheated on 4 times in my life. I've learned not to try to become a rescuer...people cannot be saved unless they want to be.

I see I am the exception on many things. We had what I considered a fantastic relationship and we shared everything. I mean there were NO secrets at all. There was nothing my WH couldn't tell me and I was the person who said you could send a naked woman to his door and he would still refuse her.

Stripclubs happened about once a year and it was a business thing, with his bosses and coworkers. It was also high end, not the sleazy kind. Hell, the first time I was with him on that particular business trip and I went WITH, so I knew exactly what kind of place it was.

I trusted him, trusted him to know that there is a difference between joking about things like that and knowing it is all fake, or actually wanting to have lapdances because he was frustrated (like some other men). We had such a good sex life and such "no secrets" relationship, that I was fine with that. I was the only wife who got all the details, also about how silly the other men were, cause they were all getting too little at home. We used to laugh and bond together (and again this was a one time a year thing and always preannounced).

Now I feel like an idiot. Because all of those men, all of those "frustrated" men who don't get what they want at home and once a year get a lapdance, all stayed faithful. My "perfect husband" who was so satisfied at home has made a fool of himself and me and our marriage.

So now, all of that bond of ours that seemed so special is out the window. No more clubs for him, no more drinking with his workfriends, no more complaining. If he wants that life, fine by me: move on without me!

I would say there are 2 answers to this question.

If you knew/he told you/you talked about it: then it was OK.

If he hid it completely: it was cheating.

If I had kissed a man without a doubt unanimously, the consensous would be that it was cheating.

So in my mind, having a naked woman sit on your lap and grind you and allow you to rub her naked body is definitely cheating. Especially when we had talked about it 10 years ago and I made it clear to him that I didn't like it, and how I felt it was cheating.

The obvious disregard for my feelings, in addition to him "keeping up" this behaviour (always using business/clients as the excuse) in addition to other behaviours and the ultimate betrayal of sleeping with a prostitute on a business trip is sickening!

Thanks so much for your responses.I know that there are different opinions about this and of course different boundary issues within each relationship, but in mine, this was not acceptable.

eta: Chalice, interesting observation about the age difference. I agree... there is something about that... but I think it has more to do with "his" issues with aging than me getting older. We all do afterall... but this goes further. THis is someone who is selfish, self entitled and completely unaware of how to be in a healthy and fulfilling realtionhip. I was selfless, and over compensating and completely unaware how to be in a healthy and fulfilling realtionship. How you might ask??? Well, that night when he came home stinking of cheap strawberry body oil, I should have walked out and never looked back... Only because he was a bit of womanizer flirt... But I was naive and sincerely in leeeeeerve with this man, I compromised myself for the relationship.

If I could turn back time... I would never compromise myself for anyone (other than my children and within reasonable means) again... I would respect myself. Which I didn;t do...

And his prostitute whore... she was about the same age I was when we met 26...

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 7:13 AM, June 8th (Friday)]

if you drop your linen and start grining your cheating.

Dr, Phil. Lap dances with or without touching are cheating.

just wanted to add to this...

I know some couples that wil go to strip clubs together - OK , fine that is their "thing."

However, hiding it of any sort (in my case) NOT ok, and is cheating.

If they have to hide it, it is not ok.

You know as a guy I never really got the whole stripper thing. Honestly Ive been to strip clubs as a young man and even then I did not get the attraction. They rip you off with $20.00 beers and send you home with a hard on. Same with the lap dances. For me I could never get a sexual release from them. Nor would I want to have to walk around all night with a mess in my pants. Buts thats just MHO.

I think its up to the individuals perception and tolerance of stippers. Even if trips to the strip joint wind up in some sexual contact to me that crosses the line into prostitution. Any form of sexual contact done for monetary gain goes from one thing to another. Once the line is crossed its no better or no worse than calling up a hooker and getting your rocks off. Thats my opinion.

Thats being said I do know of people who enjoy going to strip joints. And this includes women also. I have a friend who met his current W in a strip club. And no she was not a performer. She had gone there with a group of her GF's to see what it was all about. She met my friend and its been over 20 years that they have been together. Each year on the date they met they celebrate with a trip to a strip joint. So who is to say it cant be mutually enjoyed.

I think it gets into a murky area when its hidden and lied about. To me that would be a betrayal of the M. And yes I would consider it a form of infidelity if the person feels the need to hide the fact from their spouse.

I think that it is very confusing when we use a word like "cheating" to cover so many things. There is "cheating" on tests or taxes, and in many other things, but in my world, I always thought cheating in a marriage meant having sex with someone other than your spouse.

I personally would not tolerate my husband having a lapdance from a stripper at this point in our marriage. I will not even address whether it is cheating but I would use the word "deal breaker" instead.

A lot of things a spouse could do (some sexually related like porn or strip joint addiction) and some not sexually related (like drug or alcohol abuse, or physical abuse) would be deal breakers for me and I would seek a D. I am more comfortable with the context of the word dealbreaker than with the word cheating. We all have to decide what cheating is for ourselves, and whether or not we call it cheating, we have to ask, "is it a deal breaker?" And it is okay if the answer is different for each of us even if our spouses did the same acts.

I don't care what we call it, but IMO, it is completely inappropriate in a monogamous relationship.

I think the vast majority of women don't realize what goes on in some of these 'Gentlemen's' Clubs, such as this:

Depending on THEIR boundaries, and whether a guy looks like he has $ to blow, kissing and hand jobs, and sticking their tits in his mouth are not even considered "extras"

and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have really never understood why any man could ever even think this would be acceptable? Would the vast majority of our husbands be cool with us getting naked and giving lap dances to, lets's say, his buddies at work? And then watch us get the guy really worked up, and then walk into another room with this guy sporting his massive hard-on?

REALLY???? REALLY???? Who thinks that's okay?

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:00 AM, June 15th (Friday)]

Oh, I forgot to add this...just to make it EXTRA painful...let the H's work buddy be 20 yrs younger, and have a dick 4 inches longer than his own. Yep, stick the knife in and twist slowly...