SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have always portrayed myself as a moral, ethical, honest person. Showing contempt towards others who have done what I did, then I became that person, now all eyes are on me.HOW could I have even imagined doing this to my wife? Almost a year has gone by and its finally hitting me, each day my chest hurts, my breathing seem irregular and I now have small panic attack, is it only fair that I suffer the same symptoms as my wife?? Is this my penance I will carry to my death? I never want to forget, make it part of my life, to learn who I really am. Facing me is the hardest thing I've ever done, but in so many ways I hunger for this now

Last night was one of "those"conversations between RH and I. We are facing the 1 year Dday of his 4+year affair and it would have been helpful for me to have read this post before our chat. I might have been able to ask him more....did you feel like this questions. One thing that he did share with me that was new info was that this had been the first time in our 32 years together that he had felt feelings for another person. I was a bit shocked because I see EA's happening every single day around me. I personally have discovered myself getting into the beginnings of an EA and physically removed myself from the situation as quickly as possible. It was a bit mind blowing to him that I felt EA's come from everywhere. This allowed me to tell him honestly that's why I had always been able to trust him through 25 years of travel.....it was the other things out there he could come in contact with that scared the shit out of me. Now at least he understands that comment.

Thank you to all the past WS and RWS who have shared these feelings openly. I now understand a bit more of the how's.......how could he have done this for so many years. How was he able to come home to us and for the most part be normal. It wasn't until the last quarter of the affair that he personally morphed into this disgusted person who hated the world, was depressed and wanted to die. Unfortunately that's the part that is still so fresh in my mind.

Hubby did say last night that he was shocked at how horribly this has hurt my inner spirit. I am no longer the person he married. Hoping to get back there one day. What he did expect when the A came out was the anger. Funny thing was he didn't see real anger from me until 2 months after Dday.

All of you have made me understand how this all played out and more importantly how your actions during the A have created your guilt now. I always felt his guilt came from not wanting people to know. I have only just now realized through this post that he still did love me through this part of his life.

Continuing to R. Thanks for your thoughts.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 8:12 AM, September 4th (Wednesday)]

boots5050

Facing me is the hardest thing I've ever done, but in so many ways I hunger for this now

The hardest part of facing ourselves is realizing we have things about ourselves we don't like.

That's ok though, we can always work to improve those things.

Being a healthy you is very conducive to a healthy life and marriage.

My wonderful BGF pointed this post out to me this morning. It is so relevant and really helps see that I am not alone. As a WBF, I, too, am disgusted at my behavior. I look back to what I have done and what I put such a wonderful woman through and become sick to my stomach. The self loathing is immense which doesn't help in my efforts at raising my self-esteem which is so lacking. Everyday, I look upon my BGF and see the hurt and misery I've caused. True remorse is felt for the life I've killed inside her. I will do my best to help her heal and build a new life as I fix the crap inside me.

Someone very early in this thread mentioned that we've made a huge mistake and have done acts that have immensly gone against any morals and ethics we held high in our lives. But the past does not have to define who we are. What defines us is how we can rebound from this tragic event and make it stronger and better, learning from our mistakes. At least that's my hope.

Glad this post was bumped up.

Glad to see this post in that I not alone in feeling this way. For me I feel like I have rewritten so much in my mind. For example how could I have done this and why didn't I choose not to seems so easy in retrospect, it's hard because I can't even remember wanting to do it on any level, but I know I did. I think for those of us that have trouble with the details for me a lot of that has to do with so much of it being a drop of the hat lie and those are hard to remember a year later I also think we don't want to remember so bad that our minds do cut it out to some degree. Not trying justify anything just for me this has been more guilt in one dose then I have ever had to try and deal with and it has broken me to pieces. I read a lot of you/ us want to fix ourselves and be better people and of course that is part of this. I was so self centered that I actually didn't feel anything good all I did was take and truly giving of ourselves is what gives us self worth( at least with me). In the end lets consider how we feel and then try to understand how our BS must feel and are going through. For me it's hard but worth it, but I often feel like I will never forgive myself even if my wife does. Just some thoughts, good luck everyone.

Thanks to all for giving me some insights on this topic. As a BS, I really struggle with believing/understanding what he says he is feeling. I worry that when he says he is in "pain", he is still "missing her" as opposed to the "self-loathing" he says he is experiencing. I worry that he tells me these things to manipulate me into feeling pity for him. I do feel compassion, but not for any lingering feelings for the AP. It is reassuring, in some way, to read that many WSs take so long to reach some of these realizations, but that they do get there. I feel like I have been extraordinarily patient (for which he has thanked my repeatedly) waiting for him to get his head out of his derriere. (It's been up there so long, his brain is oxygen-deprived! And yes, he laughed when I said that.) Reading your posts give me a shot of stamina to hang in there for the long haul. Thanks for sharing.

The responses from the WS n this thread sums up my feelings. Most days I'm just kind of numb. Other days I'm sick to my stomach and can't believe the hurt and damage I've done. Some days i don't eat because i feel so horrible. I oftentimes want to punch the mirror because I hate the reflection for hurting my BS! When you're in the midst of your actions, you often don't think clearly. I hope in some ways that this pit of my stomach feeling never goes away to remind me how terrible i can be and to remind me of the damage i've done. I want nothing more than to make this up to my wonderful BS. My BS and I will never be the same. I read some stories of R and hear how some people say their marriage is better. I hope and pray that is true because (when I wasn't being such a douche) my beautiful BS and I had an amazing thing going before I f*cked it up.

Thank you WS for your posts. It must be very hard to write the words.

Approx 4 months ago my fWH started saying he was "repulsed" by the A. You cannot imagine how relieved I was to hear this from him. Repulsed. The word carries so much weight. When I read similar thoughts from you, altho sad it also means you have reached an awareness and for that I hope you feel proud.

I wish you all well.

I just realized that this thread is over a year old now but I thought I would share my thoughts and feelings.

Honestly, I hate the person I was before, during and a little after the time of my A. I hate how I treated my husband and daughter. I hated how I didn't really have any emotions. I hate knowing that I did things with another man. I hate knowing that I have ruined certain things about our relationship. I hate everything about everything how I was.

During the time of my A I was actually very suicidal. Thinking about what I did sickens me to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. Even at almost 17 months out, it is something I think about enough.

I never ever in my wildest dreams thought that I was capable of cheating. I always thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen in a relationship. The fact is though, I did cheat. I had an affair and now I know that I was capable of doing it. I was a horrible person. I did have an affair. I did do all those horrible things to my husband.

Since D-Day, I have been slowly changing though. I know that I was that horrible person that could betray my husband. I am not that person now though. I am bettering myself and in turn bettering our relationship.

Why didn't this feeling kick in at the time? Did anyone here think twice about taking that step into an A?

I can say that when I stepped into the A, I wasn't thinking about the consequences. I wasn't thinking about all the pain I would be putting my family through. Those are just some things that didn't cross my mind.

DWBH: I am not deleting events from the A. There are a lot of things that I am having a hard time remembering though. I try to remember things so that if my husband asks me a question that he needs reassurance about, I can answer to the best of my ability. I do struggle with memory though.

I was a totally different person during that time. You can look at pictures from just before my A, during my A and after and see the difference. Especially now, the look in my eyes is totally different. My husband has said a few times lately that he has missed me. I had a hard time understanding exactly what he meant by that. Then he explained and I can see it. I understand now.

FR2012

You can look at pictures from just before my A, during my A and after and see the difference. Especially now, the look in my eyes is totally different. My husband has said a few times lately that he has missed me. I had a hard time understanding exactly what he meant by that. Then he explained and I can see it. I understand now.

~~This~~

I have never written that before but yes! Something I have totally noticed looking at pics. When the A started there is a certain look "confidence" on his face - like he is too cool for school. But as the A went on his look is vacant. Like he is not really there with us at the bdays, family moments, etc. He just seems like the odd man out in some way. Now, there is life to his eyes.

I missed my H too. But he is back.

My BH emailed me this thread the other day. When I read it, I thought, WOW, I relate to so much of what was written.

Still trying to figure out who this person was that was capable of doing something like this.

I also don't know how I could be so capable to hurting so many people, especially my BH and my AP's BW. I am not this kind of person. I'm not a mean person.

It has also been hard for me to comprehend how I could have done something so malicious.

Even though I continue to explore my "whys" and try to piece together the puzzle it still shocks me.

I am also disgusted at my behavior. I think about it constantly. Every morning when I awake it is the first thing I remember. Sometimes I will feel nauseous and other times it will feel like there is this weight on me that will never be lifted.

Disgust, repulsion, shock, disbelief, fear/confusion (who am I?) depression are all feelings I have towards the A and myself.

It is shocking me to figure out so many things about myself. Like how incredibly selfish I can be. I really didn't see it before D-day, but I am being confronted by it A LOT now. I am also disgusted, repulsed, confused, depressed.

I never would have believed I was capable of being that person....but I was....and at times it even came easy. Scary shit that needs addressing.

I wonder the same things too. How could I have been comfortable being in a the same house with my BH, my AP, and his wife, all of us hanging out and having fun, and then going to the basement to smoke pot and make out with my AP. Why wasn't I vomiting all of the time? How was I able to do that while my BH was upstairs? I feel like a monster and it fucking terrifies me.

One thing I have realized is that I have a serious problem with compartmentalization. It developed as a defense mechanism when I was younger and is one of the biggest challenges I face.

I didn't realize how well I could compartmentalize so well either. My old and new IC feel that this developed at an early age for me as well, but I haven't figured out why.

I realize that it is all of my fault, i did those things to the one person in my life who really ever loved or cared for me.

Yup. My BH loved me and cared about me unconditionally. I was his rock. He always wanted to be with me and I threw it away for an unavailable, married man so was no where near the quality of my BH.

...helped culminate in a suicide attempt soon after the A. I try now to not focus on the personal disgust, but rather to channel that energy into improving myself for the relationship with my wife

Next to the A, the worst thing I ever tried to do was kill myself. I literally lost my mind...the pain that I caused, the pain that I felt, the regret, the shame...I was going to go away from people I loved and cause them more pain. I know my BH thinks about it. I know it is probably painful everytime he goes into the bathroom and looks at the tub where he found me, or looks at the scars on my wrists. ANother INCREDIBLY selfish action that I can never take back. I don't want to keep feeling personal disgust. I want to make myself safe for my BH. I want to help him heal.

I honestly am disgusted by what I did. I am having the hardest time forgiving myself. This is honestly the worst I have ever felt about myself. I have hated what I have done.

I can't forgive myself either and probably never will. What I did was completely unforgivable.

I'm very disgusted at my affair behavior and always will be. That is not me anymore and it horrifies me that it was me just a few months ago

^^^This.

All of you have made me understand how this all played out and more importantly how your actions during the A have created your guilt now. I always felt his guilt came from not wanting people to know. I have only just now realized through this post that he still did love me through this part of his life.

I ALWAYS felt guilt and I NEVER stopped loving my BH, not for one minute.

I am going to continue to work to figure myself out to make myself safe for me and for everyone around me. I WILL never cheat again, but I am working so hard to delve into what caused this. I hate when I come up empty handed.