SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. This is my first time posting. I am hoping for some support to deal with living with the guilt.

This is my story:

One of my husbands friends from work is having problems in his marriage he's only been with his wife 3 years, she moved to another state & he cannot because he has a good job where we live. We started to spend time with him because he was very depressed over this. I had a crush on him immediately, we started talking & it turns out he felt the same. We exchanged inappropriate text messages only at this point. One night we were all drinking & we ending up kissing. Immediately I regretted it as did he. We do still talk, and flirt but most of the time we refrain from inappropriate conversation. My husband does suspect he "likes" me but acts like he doesn't really care although I think it might bother him. I do not flirt with him in front of my husband. If it was possible to not have him in our lives I would be able to handle this better. But because they work together & are friends I can't do that. I don't want to tell my husband because I think it would do more harm then good. I love my husband and do not want to leave him I just made a stupid choice. I feel like telling him would only make me feel better & I do deserve to live with this guilt, I think. It is very difficult to keep this from him though. We have been together for 10+ years, dated very young, had a break & he did cheat on me a long time ago. I'm not justifying my actions because of this and I don't think to myself that because he did it, it was okay. The other problem is I do still "like" his friend but nothing will ever happen between us again, nor do I want it to. I do think about him though. i don't understand myself, and how I could be very happy with my husband but yet allow this to happen?

I don't really have any friends to speak to about this. Not to mentioned I am so disappointed in myself.

I know its different for everyone but how do you live with this, especially if you decide to keep it a secret? How do you stop yourself from confessing at a weak moment?

[This message edited by Kitty1982 at 2:08 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

Hi Welcome to SI,

You keeping this from your husband is more out of fear than it is to absolve guilt for your actions.

Fear of his anger and fear he might leave you.

However, keeping this secret is also keeping you bonded to the OM (other man).

It is a secret you both share and your own husband is oblivious to.

And whose to say that it won't go beyond kissing next time.

Although you say you won't let it happen again, the problem is that it has already happened.

Once that line is crossed..it is easily crossed again unless there are boundaries put into place.

Your boundaries so far have not been substantial enough to prevent you from acting on your crush. Once is one time too many.

1. You need to tell your husband

2. You need to go NC (no contact) with the OM because each time you see him..your "feelings" for him grow.

3.Put proper boundaries into place so you won't repeat acting this way around any other men you find you have a "crush" on.

4. Read the Healing Library and there is a post on here titled;

Things that every WS needs to know by HUfi PUfi. It is currently on page two of this forum...read it and you will see why keeping this a secret will be utterly devastating if your BS (betrayed spouse) finds this out on his own.

I guarantee you that this man is no friend to your husband,

any man that would take up liberties with a man's wife he calls friend is no friend at all.

He is an enemy to your marriage and right now..you are too as long as you keep this secret with him.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 11:40 AM, August 6th (Monday)]

The best way to live with your guilt is to get this into to open with your spouse and deal with the consequences. It wont take away the guilt, but will give you a reason not to have any additional guilt from that point forward.

This guy isnt a friend to either of you and even if work means your husband will still be around him, it will be up to your husband on how to handle that. Your obligation is to your husband, not this guy. Not cutting off all contact will only hurt you more.

Hi Kitty,

Welcome to SI, this site is great at helping people.

I'm going to recap your story before providing some advice..

So you started to crush on your H's friend. Found out the feeling was mutual. You two start an emotional affair (EA) through texting. Was there sexting? One night you got drunk and kissed him. Was there any other touching? Was this a passionate kiss? (I'm asking these questions because I'm not convinced this would be a one time thing) Now you feel guilty but not guilty enough to stop flirting...

Now I'm not going to provide advice for you that will assist you on keeping a secret from your H. However I am going to suggest that you need to make solid and firm decisions from here on out.

If you carry on this friendship with H's friend aka marriage killer, this problem is going to snowball BIG TIME. If you want to save your marriage from further pain, STOP FLIRTING ASAP. No talking, no touching, no hanging out because it's Friday night and you guys want to drink beer. It will happen again once your guilt wears off and your guards are let down again. However the next time, it would be more than a kiss.... Dangerous territory you guys are in by staying connected, keeping secrets from your spouses..

There must be underlying issues that you haven't dealt with.. Perhaps issues that you had prior to your relationshiop or maybe in the beginning stages. I think you need to see an IC since you mentioned you don't understand yourself.

Take a glimpse at my 1st post. Some similarities...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=462885

I cheated on my H. Thought I could keep it a secret. Originally I thought I could manage the guilt and never do it again. Guilt faded and I found out I liked it and went further down a road of cheating.. Our stories are different after that point though.. However the reason why I'm telling you this is because I didn't deal with my issues after I cheated the 1st time. I thought I was stronger. I wasn't. I was scared to death to tell my H just like you. I didn't see a reason to confess other than relieving my guilt. Some people on this forum might even send you a PM and advise you not to confess.

This is a decision that only you can make however you are on such a dangerous path to ruining your marriage, you must make changes now if your H is important to you.

My decision to confess to my H when he returns back home is not related to my guilt at all. It took me a while to make that decision to confess. The living in limbo on "do I confess or not" was hell on Earth though. Once I made the decision to confess and not look back, it has made dealing with my issues easier.

If you decide to keep this a secret, make sure you don't feel like confessing in a year, or two or 10. It's either a secret or its not. After reading and experiencing through other posters here, their problems have not disappeared, just because they confess or deal with their cheating 10-15 years later. Its waaaay WORSE.

To answer your questions...

How do you live with this as a secret?

I'm not going to.

How do you stop yourself from confessing at a weak point?

For me, I was extremely weak when I was fresh out of affairs. I couldn't bring myself to confess and knew I couldn't do it when I was mentally messed up (hence my user name) Search your soul, build strength, learn about yourself inside and out, go see a counsellor, stop your friendship with H's friend.

I'm about as ready as I can be to confess..

Good luck Kitty. I hope that sharing my story has given you some help?

[This message edited by messedupchick at 6:30 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

Hi Kitty. Welcome to SI.

We do still talk, and flirt but most of the time we refrain from inappropriate conversation

Flirting is inappropriate.

I do not flirt with him in front of my husband.

Why don't you flirt with him in front of your husband? Maybe because you want to respect your husband and not hurt his feelings? If you can't do something in front of your husband with another man, you sure shouldn't be doing it behind his back.

How do you stop yourself from confessing at a weak moment?

I don't consider confessing to be "weak" or to take a "weak moment". I confessed to my husband and I can tell you, it was the most difficult and scary thing I've ever had to do. Sure there was fear, but it wasn't a weak moment. It actually took alot of nerve and strength to admit to the love of my life that I'd been sharing myself with another man. In confessing, it was the first strong positive step in the right direction.

You do contradict yourself in your post.

I do still "like" his friend but nothing will ever happen between us again, nor do I want it to.

But then:

I do think about him though.

This guy is taking up space in your head where there should only be thoughts of your husband. If you are thinking of the other guy, what happens when you find a weak moment? Will you kiss him again? Will you invite him to bed? Will the inappropriate texts resume? The way to ensure that doesn't happen is NC. And fill your husband in on what's going on. Be accountable for your actions.

Again, welcome. I've been here 9 months (wow. 9 months already!) and this place has been a lifesaver. The insight and advice is precious and heartfelt.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 1:54 PM, August 6th (Monday)]

you can't live an authentic life if you're carrying this chain of guilt around your neck. You feel guilty because you know that not only what you did was wrong but what you're doing is wrong. How did you feel when your H had an A? How would you feel now if the tables were turned and it was him flirting and having inappropriate conversations with your "friend"? Stop disrespecting your husband and come clean. It's either you do it or he finds out some other way. Which would you rather have happen?

After posting I think I kind of made a step in the right direction.

I called my cell provider and blocked his phone from texting me as well as mine from texting him.

The next time he does visit I plan to tell him that he should not hang out with us anymore. Hopefully he will be respectful of that.

At this point I am not sure I am ready to tell my husband. I know that in the long run I will eventually. I know how hurtful it was when I found out, not through him but some random message on myspace. It has taken me a long time to overcome that pain and forgive him. At the same time this whole thing has made me understand HOW it is possible for affairs to happen. I never understood how he could do that to me.

This wasn't a passionate kiss, in fact I really felt nothing at all other then the fact that it didn't feel "right."

I know I flirt because I like the attention. When I was younger I never really got attention from men and if I did it was negative. So, it makes me feel wanted and powerful. I know this is where it all stems from. My husband gives me tons of attention though.

I've seen a therapist to deal with my insecurity issues & at this point am ready to go back because they obviously aren't resolved.

I just need to vent too about the OM. Sometimes he tries to make himself be the "good guy" and tells me that he can't do that to my husband. Yet, other times he initiates all of these inappropriate conversations. Asking me to send photos & things which I have NOT done because I do actually draw the line somewhere. I'm not innocent by any means but its not all MY fault.

OM is full of shit. He's no friend of your husband's and he's certainly not a friend of the marriage. Your husband deserves to know the truth about his so called friend.

its not all MY fault

ultimately, yes it is. YOU chose to do what you did. YOU are still choosing to lie by omission to your husband. I understand what you mean in that OM played a part, but nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to do anything. This one's on you 100%. Own it.

It is your fault. You could have always said NO.

If it's raining..it's doesn'tmean you have to get wet. You choose to.

In other words..if he's doing something to get your attention, it was your decision to respond. he didn't twist your arm and make you.

I'm not denying it was my fault just expressing my frustration.

I understand the frustration. It's tough to carry the full weight of your choices. But if you're serious about changing, you really have to step up and take full ownership. Once you do, you'll be amazed at how differently you look at things...