SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

me preface this by saying I have no idea what I expect to get out of this but it has to come off my chest. Maybe some positive reinforcement from you guys and gals.

Ok, here goes. The girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Is she the girl I was going to marry, yes. Were both in our young 30’s. I've had a rocky employment road the first 2 years but have had steadier work this last year. We've always had more good times than bad, fights lasted a few hours if that. Also, she's made a ton of sacrifices for us over the years and some of the times had the majority of our financial burden although I always gave her what I could. Our relationship had gotten a little stale the last few months, less sex. less doing things together and she has told me that our lifestyle is becoming boring and that's why we needed to move back towards where we used to live because our commutes were killing us. Now, 2 weekends ago Her I and her younger brother hosted a summer BBQ thingy. Everyone has a great time, party goes through the night. She wakes up the next morning in blackout state not remembering what happened. Turns out, late that night a few of the guys and girls were skinny dipping in the pool. I had no idea where as I was in the house with others. Sunday comes around and everything is fine. We both have long commutes from where we live, about 60 miles each way. Come Monday now, she gets home from work and is completely miserable. Goes upstairs and is reading and facebook messaging on her iphone all night. I ask her what the problem is and she says that she thinks it would be in the best interest if we moved back and got separate places for a few months. Now things are weird and I know something is up. Up intil last night, she's been doing a good job of being a real bitch and I decide I really want to know what's going on. So I snoop, we've all done it. I find a recently closed tab on FB where she was messaging a guy at the party who's friends with her younger brother. After some reading, mind you, this convo happened last night in our bedroom while i'm in the next room watching TV. Turns out she was fooling around with him, in the hot tub that night. As i read on, it just gets worse.

some parts of their convo:

her- Knowing I have a 100% chance of getting laid after the dust settles at least gives me something to look forward to

And I'm sure you'd put out too

her- Do you want to revisit this whole thing after we officially separate? Are you getting all weird about it again? (she's referring to her and I separating)

him - Would it be weird for you to hangout with me and your brothers friends often?

her - The real question is will it be weird for you to hang out with my brother once he knows you're phucking me?

him - I can see that, My awkward moment comes later

her - wait, what?

him - Possibly your brother, no idea when

her - Oh yeah, we'll keep this quiet For now. If anything other than crazy wild hot sex comes of it then yes.

her - And I'll just pretend I'm going up to see thump (her good friend), we run into each other and then you just shoot my brother a text

Real spur of the moment

her - he's been driving me into work all week while my car is in the shop so I've been reading and not saying much.

him - that sounds awkward, i'd be getting road head.

her - you would if you were in the driver seat.

this is where it really hit home.....

him – I want that so bad right now

her - I want so many things right now you have no idea

him - sure I do.

her - Oh yes I forgot I've already revealed everything I want to do with you

him - same here

her - i still have a few things

him - i'm intrigued

her - you'll find out.

her - So do I HAVE to be living separately before we can do anything? It may not be for a few weeks

him - you gotta be single

her - Absolutely. I don't want to intentionally hurt someone any more than I have to. The cheating is the worst of the painful breakups too.

Going to bed, night!

him - never happened

ok, sorry for the boring read, and also if it's confusing. there was a lot more to it but this is the stuff that really hit me hard. I call her out on it this morning and asked her if she slept with him, she says no and swears it was not sex but she was indeed fooling around. Now, she does not know that I had all this info. She claims she has no feelings for him and it was just a sexual thing. I don't buy it as less than 24 hours ago this conversation was going on between them. This really threw me for a shocker. If anyone knows her, they know she's not the type. She blamed it on the the alcohol and also said something along the lines of with our lives getting a little stale she just needed sex, really? She obviously shows no sign of being remorseful as this is currently happening. Her texts to me through out the day consist of: "I want us to be able to give this another chance, I need time to focus on me right now. I still want to give us a chance if you will. I swear on everything I have no feelings for him. You are the only person I have ever truly loved. Please dont give up on us totally."

This one I found funny, "can we please not tell anyone about this because if we can get back together and everyone knew I wouldnt be able to do it"

So obviously the texts are her just trying to make herself not feel bad about this, am I right? I'm reaching out to friends currently so to see if there's a room to crash at. I realize that I need to get out of here immediately. I know as soon as I'm gone, i doubt i'll ever hear from her again. Lastly, she begged and pleaded not for me to tell her family about this as we our very close. The more I read this, I'm telling her that if she doesnt tell them the reason I'm leaving, I am. Like I said from the beginning, I'm not sure what kind of reply's to expect out of this but I’m really confused right now. She’s also texting me using monetary reasons for her betrayal. Anything she can do to justify what she did.

I am sorry to hear your pain but I can relate as I am going through a similar situation. Just found out last week. However, I am married. I felt the same feelings of loss of intimacy and became suspicious. I searched her phone and found email conversations that were revealing. Hang in there buddy! I know that flood of emotions when you first read that you have been betrayed. Personally, I am on a rollercoaster of emotions daily. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Move out. Go dark. See what happens next. Take copies of everything. Use them when and where needed when you think the time is right.

Consider yourself lucky you are not married.

At this point you owe her nothing by way of loyalty.

By the way, that is some vocabulary she's got there!

Married? No

Kids? No

Any financial ties? No

RUN!!!! Run far and fast!!!! DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!

RUN!!!! NOW!!!!

Seriously it may not seem this way now because it is all so fresh but as time passes you will realize that you dodged a bullet.

What bluewater said. Don't waste another day. Get out.

Bro, this woman has been lying to you since the start. She was planing to dump you and screw this assholes brains out. Most likely the day you moved out. Wow what considerate people she and he are. My actions would be to dump her cheating and lying ass. Make sure you tell everyone you know what she has been up to. Let her brother know what kind of assholes he has for friends. Call up the other guy and tell him that his secret has been exposed. And let the 2 lying cheats have eachother. But hey, thats just me and Im in a vindictive mood today.

Im sorry you find yourself here my friend. Look you know she is lying through her teeth. Alcohol my ass. She sobered up and starts texting this prick with all the shit she wants to do to him. Is this the type of woman you want to marry ? I think not my friend. Good luck and keep posting. It really helps.

JAH

Not only run from this woman. But take her FB texts and send them to her brother and the OM's girlfriend.

They also deserve to know what a piece of crap he is too!

And yes, your GF knows what she did was wrong, knows her behavior was out of line and wants you to rugsweep everything.

She needs to learn a lesson.

She needs to grow up.

HM64

Have to agree, definitely tell her brother and even be prepared to show him the Facebook messages for proof if he needs it.

Ps: this is without her knowing you even have them.

Tell everyone the truth about the separation and break up, after all, you have no reason to lie or to be ashamed, that is all her

She doesn't want her brother to know because she knows it will be hard to screw around with OM if he does.

But at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water so don't expect the brother to be supporting you over his sister, even if he disapproves of her actions.

PR

Wow! Great advice from everyone. I really appreciate it and I’m sure everyone on here knows it’s good to see someone respond to your post when this shit happens. I’m moving out and staying with a friend and his wife until I get my own place and get my feet under me again. I’ve told my friends and family what happened but not hers. She begged and pleaded with me not to tell her family because of how close we are. Here’s where I’m confused. She told her family, we couldn’t catch a “break” and we were worn out from it. So, she never told them why I really left. They think it was an amicable split. I want them to know the truth as to why I’m gone, but will it do any good? This is where I need everyone’s help. Can telling her family backfire on me? I don’t know the pro’s and con’s.

Can telling her family backfire on me?

I think it could. But since you two are not married, probably the only way it could backfire would be by her getting angry over you telling them and deciding to trash talk you. Personally, since you have decided to split, I don't see the point. Blood IS thicker than water, and I really don't think you will get the satisfaction that you think you will by telling them.

I have been married forever, and have always had an awesome relationship with my H's brother. But, when I asked for his help regarding H's infidelity, he out right refused to help me, saying, "I understand your pain, but he is my brother, and I can not help you". Yep, blood is thicker than water.

I would like to remind you to be tested for STD's.

Sorry for your situation. You did the right thing by moving out. From what she told you, it seems that she was just stringing you along... just in case. Tell or not tell... mmhhh... clearly she wants to project that she is a good girl... What would you have to lose by telling? and by not telling? GO through these scenarios... or take the high road and ignore her, but she would have hit jackpot... getting rid of you nicely and the have the OM without any stigma...

JAH

It can only backfire telling her family if you have some kind of financial debt to them or a business dealing.

Otherwise, if you tell them, keep it short and factual, and do not introduce recriminations, because that will only invite their wrath. She is their daughter and you are just dust in the wind.

But telling them their daughter cheated with OM, you are breaking up because of the adultery. Short and sweet.

JAH

Not only should you tell her family but you should send her brother the facebook chat and say this is the kind of friend you have.

He should know what his friends are doing with his sister while she was living with you.

And since your GF was lying to her family I think a casual message to them is in order.

I would want to know exactly what one of 3 daughters are up to because I did not raise them to lie to people they are in relationships with.

Seriously - no kids, no marriage, no ties?

Run. There are 3.5 billion women out there. I'd like to think most of them are incredible, beautiful, loving creatures worthy of a man's admiration and love. Right now you are scraping the shit from the bottom of the barrel. Stir up your life and see what happens. Oh, and when you go, tell her family why - before she just makes something up. It won't help, but it's nice to look back and know their bullshit didn't fool everyone.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 7:16 AM, August 25th (Saturday)]

I would send the chat to her brother and let the evidence speak for itself. No need to add anything else. So, she doesn't want to look 'bad.' Well, she shouldn't have been cheating then. My honest belief is that if she's not held accountable for her actions at some point? She's just doomed to repeat.

Is there a even a reason to 'protect' her image? She didn't think about protecting you when she decided to cheat when you think about it. Why should you lie about why you're breaking up?

That said, I would NOT be going out of my way to blast her out of the water, however tempting!! However, if someone asked me, I would tell the truth with no extra commentary. Just the facts and no extra effort to trash her. Stay classy throughout.

I also agree with bluewater. How I wish we weren't married, didnt have kids, or I wasn't pregnant. I would not be in the place I am. Move out and move on. You don't need her or her lies. Find some one that will love you more tHan themselves. You'll be much better off and happier in the end.

I walked in on my fiancé having sex with another man just about 5 weeks before our planned wedding. We too had something like a 4+ year relationship.

I left our apartment and never looked back.

Was it hard? Hell yes.

Did I regret it? Every now and then for the first 6 months. But for the last +20 years? No.

In my case her family knew why. I didn’t go about telling them but the word spread. When her father (a man I deeply respected) came to get me to change my mind on canceling the wedding I told him what had happened.

I wouldn’t bother telling her family. Not unless you are specifically asked by someone of importance from the family. Then I would tell with the appropriate respect.

And her family and I today? Well at the time we were close. But after we broke up the interaction stopped. I still run into her father every couple of years and we chat but that’s it.

Email the convo to the brother, your gf, and the OM - the day you move out.

ETA: at least he has the decency to not do anything until you are separated. She on the other hand sounds like a dog in heat.

[This message edited by Crushed38 at 2:11 PM, August 25th (Saturday)]

JAH

You need to tell her family because she is just painting this pretty picture that you both went your separate ways. It can't hurt you unless like someone else said you are connected with them financially/business wise. Tell them short and sweet they will get pissed but of course blood will be thicker than water and eventually they will get over it but they will know that their daughter is not the "good" girl they thought. I'd be vindictive like that oh yea and don't forget to inform her brother how great a friend he has too.

Of course tell her family! Send the brother and her parents the chat transcript. I would also tell the OM what you know, and tell him that if he really wants to fuck a lying cheating bitch then to go for it...