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I just found out that My husband of 7 years cheated on me with a co-worker. They started out as good friends through a stressful work situation, and then eventually started to have feelings for eachother. The tricky part is is that it is a training program that neither of them can quite and it doesn;t end for another 9 months. They are ALWAYS together and there is no getting around it. I had confronted my husband several times that I thought they seemed to be getting a little too friendly and he assured me it was nothing, that they just were really good friends. Well my suspiscions were right because on a work trip they just had they ended up kissing (they say they didn't sleep with eachother). The hardest part is that he actually has real feelings for her. Now that it is out, he is telling me how sorry he is, and how much he loves me. He seems like he is trying to have as little contact as possible, but as I said they are still always together and there is no changing that. I have asked him to have as little contact as possible and he has agreed to do that, it just seems like after a little time they will revert back to there old relationship. To top it off we have a daughter and I am pregnant with our second. I am so hurt and crushed. I hate knowing he has feelings for someone else, I knew it was happening, and I felt like there was nothing I could do. I hate knowing that they are still together every day, and I just don;t want it to happen again. What advice is out there for something like this???

So sorry your here there is some good advice in the healing library.. Sending hugs and strength!

I'm so sorry you have had to find yourself here.

Personally, I would ask him to decide which is more important, the job or the marriage and kids.

The down side of that is that he may chose the job.

What advice is out there for something like this???

aquabug, so sorry you are in this predicament.

There are no fast solutions, so focus on taking care of you and your children first. Be sure to keep eating and drinking water. Dehydration and not eating is a problem for many BS (betrayed spouses).

The Healing Library (link in the yellow menu box in upper left corner) has much helpful information. You will find a lot of support and ideas too from the members here at SI. This truly is a helpful site. Is there anyone you can turn to for support? Can you make an appointment for counseling to help you work through the storm of emotions? Can you make an appointment with an attorney to understand your options in your state?

The tricky part is is that it is a training program that neither of them can quite and it doesn;t end for another 9 months.

Sure they can, it may mean a loss of job, and you may decide the income is more important than him being NC (no contact) with her. I suspect if you filed for D and your attorney supeanoed records from their business for evidence they would both be out of the training program, and jobs.

...it just seems like after a little time they will revert back to there old relationship.

I agree. It is hard to imagine continued time together including travel on trips. BTW, WS (wayward spouses) often minimize what they admit to at first. I would be suspicious of an A with feelings and travel where there was only a kiss. The time from meeting to first kiss can be long, but from first kiss to sex is often a fast transition.

Now that it is out, he is telling me how sorry he is, and how much he loves me.

Watch for actions, not words. Finding a new job would be a huge action. Telling the company he has to stop the training until the next cycle would be a huge action. Taking you on any further travel would be a huge action. Going to IC to figure out why he abandoned a pregnant wife for a work A would be a huge action.

Finally, is the co-worker married? If so, telling her BS (betrayed spouse) would be a good way to help throw cold water on this A.

--Ats

Tell him he has a choice...the marriage or the job. As long as he has ANY contact with her at all,he is still in the affair.

Also,cheaters lie and minimize. They claim they didnt have sex. Bullshit. They are 2 adults who have feelings for eachother. They had sex. You need to be tested for STD's. Dont assume that your doctor will test you for everything..tell him to test you for everything. Your health and your unborn baby's health is at risk.

Hi aquabug, sorry to find you here but you'll find a lot of good advice and support.

For an emotional affair I would start with this book;

NOT "Just Friends"

http://www.shirleyglass.com/bookmain.htm

It's the absolute best book out there for EA's.

We used to always say around here the best thing is for the WS to quit the job - however, with the down job market that just isn't always possible. Can he/she switch training shifts? Is it possible to check in with you during the day? photos of him and where he is? Can you join him during the day, maybe for lunch?... there ARE options.

IF she is in a relationship her partner needs to be told ASAP, no warning your H. They will collaborate a story about how you are pregnant, hormonal and crazy as a bat and not to believe it - just tell him (the other BS) and don't give anyone a heads up you are doing so. The more exposed the A is the faster it can (possibly) die out.

If they were on a work trip and a hotel was involved - keep yourself braced it was more than an EA, just kissing on an out of town trip usually equates to a full blown physical affair.

Check out the Healing Library, get into marriage counseling with someone educated in infidelity, you can get through this, it just takes time - and lots of it, like years.

((aquabug)), so sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom. I'm in a very similar situation. My husband and a co-worker. It's excruciating. We need his job for our family to survive--I know some women give the ultimatum about the job, but I just can't. We went through many hard financial years and are still climbing out of that. So instead of financial ruin...marital ruin? "A rock and a hard place" doesn't begin to cover it.

I can't imagine going through this pregnant--I really feel for you so very much!!

Aquabug:

Sorry you find yourself in this elite group.

I have a question for you: How do you know they have to be in this training session for another 9 months? Is this something you were told by your H before you started suspecting, or did H tell you once you found out?

If he told you before you were suspecting, it is probably true. But if he told you after you found out, I would question its validity. It could be an excuse for him to be around her all he wants and for you to have to put up with it.

Assuming he told you after you found out, is there anyway you can find out for sure? If you find out it is not true, then demand , I repeat, demand that he change shifts or tell HR. I do know that in today's market it is tough to find a new job, but if he can go to a different shift, or department, or whatever the job offers that will keep them apart, then he must do so.

Listen to the other posters here. Usually what you hear from the BS is the tip of the iceberg. I hope it was just a kiss, but I am not so sure.

If he truly has to be in contact with her for another 9 months, is there a way you can contact his boss and ask him/her to take this woman off the program? Talk to the boss and see what he/she says. Maybe he/she will offer a solution. Don't take your husband's word for it. There are always ways to get out of a situation.

Let us know what happened. Good luck to you

Same situation for me.

Co worker and my FWH got "close". started seeing each other outside work, did not tell me. First kiss on her birthday. first sex 4 weeks later. they had been "friends for 6 mths.

They continued to work together with no talking for 18 mths after we reconciled.

I feel that the kissing part was a PA. But you might not see it that way.

No contact between them will be difficult but it can happen.

So manyh words of wisdom here aquabug, and I too am so sorry that you have the need to be here. The earthquake of discovery and the shock that rocks our entire world throws us sideways momentarily, and our psyche finds it difficult to process what's happening to us. This can sometimes mean that we make attempts to 'realign' our feelings by denying the REALITY of what is under our noses. In other words we make excuses for our Waywards that enable us to cope psychologically in the short term, but eventually the reality of the Waywards 'economical truths' comes out. Take heart, there are some wonderful words of wisdom here and some wonderful people to help you through this awful time. My thoughts are with you