What I assume she means by 'it will ruin it' if she tells you what she needs is that she wants you to figure it out without having to be told. IMO a very passive-aggressive way to behave
This is the truth.
In her mind, if she has to ask for it, then it wont mean enough or it will mean that you really dont love her because you dont 'know' how to comfort her.
I was stuck in this mode for a while. I thought it was my XH's job to 'win' me back because I was hurting so bad as well.....now i see it that i was totally in the wrong and that I did this horrible thing that had nothing to do with my XH and what he did or didnt do.
I was stuck in a "What about me, what about how I am feeling" mode. I felt like i was pushed into the ONS because i had been so neglected in the marriage (i had been, XH actually said that he used an online game to escape me and our life)....but it didnt make the ONS right, or proper, and that there were about 100 other things i could have done rather then Cheated.
She's just in it in a bad way, and until she faces what she has done and the person she has become - she will always blameshift this affair.
As for the OM - she probably feels like he did nothing wrong. I know i did. It had nothing to do with the OM, it was all my fault, so why drag an OM into it?
its fog, fog and blamshifting and re-writing marrital history....and gaslighting.
...this is an interesting one. Just last night towards the end of our argument I said we could get D, let's start talking. Then she started crying and wanting a hug
She wants you to end the marriage rather then her to do it so that she feels like it was YOUR choice to end the marriage, rather then hers.
Mess, someone once told me "you can't parse nonsense." And that's exactly what all of her chatter is--the nonsensical, illogical blather of a non-remorseful WS.
And this is 100% truth. She has no idea what she wants, or what she did, or anything - until she starts toeing the line and giving you what you need, you need to step away and do for yourself.
Get off her train 
