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heartlikeawheel (original poster new member #36955) posted at 1:51 AM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
Can someone please tell me what this is?
I hope to know myself
others I can only love
but look for the FACTS
StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 1:52 AM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
Madhatters = both are WS/BS
allusions ( member #25376) posted at 2:52 AM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
I'm curious--where did that term come from?
You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.
Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.
I've found the key to happiness: Stay away from assholes.
silverhopes ( member #32753) posted at 11:30 PM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
I think it's a metaphor in that surviving infidelity is already like falling down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland, where between triggers and the emotional rollercoaster and uncovering all the lies nothing makes sense - so "madhatter" would mean the craziest one at the tea party, one who is both a cheater and has been cheated on.
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 11:35 PM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
raises hand....
it's a very special place in hell...
tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 11:41 PM on Saturday, October 6th, 2012
Basically we wear both hats. That of the WS and of the BS. Not an easy place to be.
Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB
Jesu ( member #36422) posted at 5:31 AM on Sunday, October 7th, 2012
Am I right in guessing that most "Mad Hatter" marriages are revenge affairs?
Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?
StillGoing ( member #28571) posted at 5:47 AM on Sunday, October 7th, 2012
Am I right in guessing that most "Mad Hatter" marriages are revenge affairs?
Since there are actually very few people here who go out to fuck someone to intentionally hurt their spouse or get back at them somehow, I doubt it.
NothngElseMattrs ( member #35917) posted at 6:05 AM on Sunday, October 7th, 2012
Am I right in guessing that most "Mad Hatter" marriages are revenge affairs?
Not a generalization I feel comfortable with. I think every M is different. If you subscribe to the RA concept, then some madhatter situations are due to RAs. If you think all A's are simply A's, and that the RA label is a misnomer, then there you go.
In my particular case, neither of us knew about each other's A until DDay, which was the same day for us both. I don't think either of us could handle the pain of an RA on top of the fallout that already existed from our mistakes. Mr NEM says he contemplated going out and fucking someone else after he found out about my A. I think it's a natural impulse, but does not apply in all scenarios.
ETA
it's a very special place in hell...
rachelc, I had the same thought/ response but you typed it first. 
[This message edited by NothngElseMattrs at 12:09 AM, October 7th (Sunday)]
"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 12:32 PM on Sunday, October 7th, 2012
I know in my heart my fWH did not set out to purposely hurt me. He was broken from what I did and didn't deal with it or cope with it in a healthy way.
They are not necessarily revenge.
Jesu ( member #36422) posted at 5:37 AM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
Ok, thanx for clearing that up for me...
Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?
lifeblowntobits ( member #33687) posted at 6:20 AM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
I have to say that there have been many times that I have thought about a RA...one of the things that has consistently stopped me is reading the incredible pain of trying to R as madhatters. I.can't.even.imagine the road you guys must travel...(((hugs)))
Me-BS-44, Him-WH-45-very remorseful
OW-Married, opportunistic co-worker whore
DD#1 7-30-2011: everything else lies until 2-12-12
Married 11years, DS19y, DS15y
2.5 years out: in a good place, light at the end of the tunnel
JustDone ( member #9742) posted at 4:05 PM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
<----- Madhatter.
No revenge involved, and yes, I'd agree with rachelc, a hellacious place. I look back and can't believe I thought it was easier to be a mad hatter than it was 'just' to be a xWW.
Madhatter
Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:09 PM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
Sorry, but...
My understanding is that a madhatter betrays and is betrayed by the same person.
If someone is BS or WS in one committed relationship and then is on the other side in a committed relationship with another person, that person is not a madhatter. Is that correct?
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
silverhopes ( member #32753) posted at 6:38 PM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
I don't know the honest answer to that, sisoon, but I think you can be a madhatter if the statuses were in different relationships. You've had both experiences in your life, and even if you're in a new relationship after you were a wayward in a previous one, you must still work on yourself. jmo.
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.
Undefinabl3 ( member #36883) posted at 7:52 PM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
My understanding is that a madhatter betrays and is betrayed by the same person.
No, A madhatter is a person who has both cheated, and been cheated on.
I am a fWS - I was the WS in my first marraige.
Currently I am the BS in my second marriage.
it gets a little murkey since i am also married to my last EAP.
Me: 35 MH
Him: 41 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.
1/26/15 - Started IC for me, DH won't go.
1/10/18 - Again?!? Online EA's
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, October 8th, 2012
Well I can honestly say that I went into my A with the pretense of getting even. It turned into more as I was getting the attention my WH wasn't giving because of his plenty of inappropriate relationships, "friendships" and affair.
I wanted to hurt my WH but instead hurt myself, killed my integrity and everything else I prided myself for. I basically became someone like my WH. I initially was planning on leaving my WH and telling him about the A, but as the A progressed the guiltier I felt and reality hit me as to what I was really doing to my family. It was awful. I kept mine a secret (because I didn't want a divorce, stupid I know) until this year when I found out about my WH's A with his employee.
I have dealt with my A in IC for a while now and have shown my WH true remorse and have been making strides as far as what he needed from me and our marriage. He on the other hand has not acted in integrity and I still am unsure.
What I am sure of is that an A is wrong whether it is for love, revenge, ego strokes, sex, challenge, etc. The devastation, I feel is irreversible.
I am a madhatter for having an A after my WH's first A.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:53 PM, October 8th (Monday)]
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
Jesu ( member #36422) posted at 3:59 AM on Tuesday, October 9th, 2012
Posted: 4:09 AM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2012
Sorry, but...
My understanding is that a madhatter betrays and is betrayed by the same person.
If someone is BS or WS in one committed relationship and then is on the other side in a committed relationship with another person, that person is not a madhatter. Is that correct?
This is how I understood it. Guess I was wrong...
Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?
Neode ( new member #37153) posted at 4:49 PM on Thursday, October 18th, 2012
it's a very special place in hell...
Ain't that the truth.
I had an EA a few years ago, and my wife is currently having an A (definitely emotional, suspected physical). It sucks.
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