SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A year ago today a broken girl sat down at a laptop and posted an ad on CL. Of course she had pre-existing issues, but that one action, that one email to a random stranger, would help set the wheels in motion for total devastation.

Today I'm nothing like that girl anymore. So much has changed in a year. There's still a long way to go, progress is being made, slowly but surely.

As a double whammy, earlier today while cleaning out email folders, I found my stupid "closure" letter to OM. I thought it got deleted a long time ago. Obviously not.

My husband sat there and watched me type up that ridiculous letter, spouting off all kinda of unicorn crap, watched me send it, watched me cry over OM, and still loved me. Still vowed to work and heal with me.

I didn't want to tell him I found that letter today. But I can't lie. I won't lie. I used to be able to cover myself and hide anything and everything. But not anymore. He can read me completely. He can see it in my eyes before I even open my mouth. I told him what I found, how ashamed I was, and how sorry I was for hurting him like that. He said he's ok. It's ok.

It's gonna be a long month for both of us. In 2 days it will be the 5th anniversary of my miscarriage. In a week it's me and DS's birthdays. I remember hurrying home from our birthday party to email OM and send him pictures.

In 2 1/2 weeks its 5 years since my godmother passed away. I miss her so badly. When she passed away I was swallowed up in shame and embarrassment from my miscarriage. I held my grief in from both losses.

In 4 1/2 weeks, it's Dday antiversary. The day I rocked Mr. Aubrie's world with the truth.

I feel exhausted. And sad.

(((Aubrie)))

Of course you're exhausted. And it's okay to be sad. This is such tough stuff.

You've come so far. You're doing great. Lean on us when you need to.

And keep going towards Mr. Aubrie when you're in pain. You two are a great team!

(((Aubrie)))

I had to gather my thoughts on this one.

Most of my antiversaries have flown by me. Mostly unnoticed.

I think the reason for this is that I understand that the antiversary of d-day isn't really when my life fell apart, it was when the pieces began to fall into place.

(((aubrie))) we are here for you.

Mrs. Aubrie84, you seem by your actions and words so incredibly sincere and authentic. I have watched your journey for the last year and you just really get things so clearly.

You are why I see hope in so many of us out there.

Thank you...

Thanks for the hugs y'all. And thanks for your kind words Madmichaelj.

Last night was...brutal. I completely lost my grip. The tears just wouldn't stop. Every time I would pull myself together, it would start again.

I cried fixing Mr. Aubrie's dinner, petting the cat, talking about my day, listening to him talk about his, taking a shower. The only word I can think of to describe what I was feeling is grief. Which I don't really understand because I've been trying to deal with all my issues as they come. Uncovering abuse, facing loss, adjusting to new normal, the loss of an old marriage, the embrace of a new one. So this feeling is kind of strange.

I've been searching my heart and mind, trying to place what is missing, if I've overlooked something. But it's all out there. All the ugly and broken parts of me. There's nothing left of me to uncover.

Mr. Aubrie was completely unfazed. I've been taking care to ask about him and his feelings and triggers. He just shrugs. "I'm good. Doesn't bother me."

This morning I apologized for losing it last night. He hugged me. He asked what I was feeling. I told him grief, extreme sadness. He asked, "It's gonna be hard for you this month huh?" I'm not sure. Right now? Yes. A week from now, I don't know. And we might switch. I'll be fine and he could break down.

A friend emailed me last night and said,

"Maybe don't try to get a grip. Just go through it for awhile. I only say that because I've worn myself out at times from trying to keep a grip and not let myself just collapse at times. It's a marathon. Well an actual marathon runner makes it to the finish line and crumbles. Life is a series of marathons so maybe find a finish line where you can say to yourself "I made it this far and now I can take a moment for myself."

Yeah, I'm all over the place at the moment. Just pretend you know I'm trying to say.

I've got a list of books to read still. I think I'm going to move Unattended Sorrows to the top and start it tomorrow. Probably should have read it weeks ago but I can't read 15 books at once. (Although I wish I could!)

We're going to just exist this month. Cry when we need to, smile when we need to. Without a doubt, open communication. Be kind to one another. And cherish one another.

The first Anti is excruciating. Big hugs to both of you. There's a light at the end of the tunnel... you'll be there soon enough. Just hang on to each other.

(((Aubs&Hubs)))

It is often said that you don't just "get over" infidelity, you get through it...that goes for WS and BS both. I like reading your posts Aubrie because you put in the hard work, you get it, and your working your ass off to make a change for the better. You have to feel the feelings as they come, and let your H know what your feeling.

Yes, your lucky Mr. Aubrie has stood by you through all the crap....but reading your posts, I think Mr. Aubrie is lucky to have you too!!

Hugs to both of you and be kind to yourselves during this season of anti-versaries!

What a hard month... I agree with the others. Just go through it together. You two are so strong, I know you'll make it through.

You two are awesome.

(((((Aubries)))))

((((((Aubrie & Mr Aubrie)))))

No words just ((((((Aubries))))) and one more ((((hugs))))

((((Aubrie))))

Thank you all.

Today is ok. I was kind of scared to wake up. But it's really ok.

Mr. Aubrie has half the day off and we've been chit chatting and snuggling so I'm sure that helps.

Lecturing the kids thru their school lessons and reading my book and SI inbetween.

Not expecting miracles or an easy path. Thru the fire. Not over. That's where the refining takes place.

Who knew the dumbest things would trigger a person.

Today's trigger? My reading glasses. Last year I had to purchase readers. Guess what the AP commented about and complimented me on daily? You guessed it.

My eyes seem to fluctuate or something because I wore my readers for a few months, then didn't really need them for a while. In the past couple weeks, I've noticed that I cannot see anything and get a headache reading unless I use them. Antiversary month + readers = trigger.

My sister asked what I want for my birthday this week. She barely got the question out before I answered, "New

readers."

Yesterday afternoon Mr. Aubrie and I were having a conversation and because of the subject matter, it turned to the AP. Mr. Aubrie asked more in depth questions, I gave bloody, gory details. He shook his head and said, "Ewww Aubrie."

Last night were vivid dreams of AP. Replays of conversations, emails, etc. Details that I had since forgotten because they were more or less insignificant in the grand scheme of things came crashing to the forefront.

I'm carefully watching Mr. Aubrie. He's affectionate, talking, and very open. He seems almost unaffected that this is the antiversary month. I haven't felt that undercurrent or weird vibe I generally get when something is "off" with him. I believe him when he says he's ok.

Argh. I'm just trying to keep my body and mind busy. I don't want these memories. They aren't good or fond, I want to forget them. But the weirdest random comments, phrases, songs end up smacking me in the head with a memory.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong. That I could/should be doing more to push these triggery thoughts away, but I can't put my finger on it.

Man I hate triggers! They just suck.

You'll get through it.. Keep posting and I'll keep hugging

(((( Aubrie))))

Triggers do suck, and A-season sucks. I'm sorry for your grief. But I also think you and Mr. Aubrie work perfectly together. Sending you both big (((((HUGS)))))

And small t/j: TIKY, this:

I think the reason for this is that I understand that the antiversary of d-day isn't really when my life fell apart, it was when the pieces began to fall into place.

I want to tattoo this on my forehead. Beautiful.

((((Aubrie))))

You are a strong woman. I'm proud of you for working so hard. I read what you're saying and I can feel your grief, but to see that you're actually feeling it and working through it is wonderful. It's obviously hurting you a great deal but you keep going, not giving up, not quitting. You're inspiring. Again, I'm proud of you for not just saying, "I can't", and giving up.

(((Aubrie84)))

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I'm sorry I dropped off the face of the earth.

I'm sending you lots of love and support and mojo right now. I think you are an amazing person.

OMG CheaterMagnet! Seeing your name brought happy tears. So good to "see" you again. ((((CM))))

Thanks everyone else for your sweetness and hugs.

May as well spill the rest.

There's a guy at church. Something is just off with him. I can't put my finger on it. He's married, got kids, dream house and job, the works. Y'all know the drill.

He has never said or done anything inappropriate. We don't "hang out" in the same groups, we don't see one another but once in a while in passing. But there's a look in his eye. And it's very unsettling.

Because of his position, I'm oftentimes directly in his line of vision during service. And I have caught his eyes on me many times. I don't like it. When I catch him, I feel like I've somehow done something wrong.

He rouses no good feelings in me. All I can think is, "Gross Dude." and "God, I really hope he isn't thinking wayward. His poor wife and kids". I feel no attraction or warm and fuzzies for him.

Old me would have most likely smiled at him. Now, I'm aware of my surroundings and those "I'm available" vibes even if I've turned mine off. My wall is up. Not. Interested.

*sigh* Just another thing to add to the pile.