SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, she-ra. You are awesome!!

My STXH's inability to tell the truth after a year is what destroyed our M. Not the cheating. The year long TT I got is what really destroyed us.

@She-ra, I had a long response typed, but it's a mute point you personalize way to much to look at things objectively. You automatically judged based off your view of wrong and right not my question and following statements that almost prove confession is not the best choice if the goal is continued happiness for all parties.

I did not say that murder is okay which again shows you see you the words you like to see and fixate on themes that are not there.

I said look at the result "Was his family's life better after confession?" NO IT WAS NOT!!

Not that murder is okay, or was it the right thing, lawful, that justice doesn't need to be served, and all of the other things you brought up.

The question as my post previously stated MARRIAGES ARE NOT BETTER AFTER CONFESSION that is a fact. If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?

I'm sure there are some outwardly miserable marriages where a confession can be a wake up call. That allows the work to begin that forges a new foundation for growth, maturity, and ultimately happiness. Conversely if the marriage is running like a well oiled machine and you throw a wrench in it.......well now we have a problem! In many instances that is exactly what you have because the perception of the BS and family is exactly that a well oiled machine!!

You can hate I'm successful, hate my life, the lies, the illusion, the wealth, you name it, the philanthropy, but the facts are the people that are in my circle have a much better life NOT KNOWING MY FAULTS AND MISTAKES then knowing them!!

If I would have posted my accomplishments in life without the affair piece you would think I was a great person and asset to the community I live, but once my infidelity was part of my story you instantly hated and discredited everything I have accomplished!

Without knowing you answered my question yet again!! It would be great if at the end there was a AWARD for who was the most GUT WRENCHINGLY HONEST in their life. Unfortunately there is not........we live in our own perceived reality where ignorance is often bliss even if that irks you and others beyond belief.

Prove me wrong with all the happy threads and I'll gladly recant my statements

Have a great day!

[This message edited by suspended at 12:29 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Suspended - let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a girl. A smart girl. A pretty girl. A well-accomplished girl - with 2 Ivy League degrees and a good career as a doctor. She married her handsome husband and had 3 beautiful children and a beautiful home. They were happy. They were the couple that everyone wanted to be. Sure, there were problems -there always are. He worked too hard. She was frequently too tired for sex, what with the career and 3 small children. But blah, blah. Generally, pretty darn happy. About 12 years into this happy life, something changed. She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was a definite seismic shift. Imperceptible to anyone but her. She felt like she was losing her mind. She became suspicious, watching his behavior for anything amiss. She couldn't find anything, but she KNEW that there was something to know. It grew like a cancer in her. She worried. She tried to be sexier, funnier, whatever. He would have still said that they were happy. But she knew better. She knew there was SOMETHING. She became jealous about any female friends he had. She cringed every time he picked up his phone. She hated when he traveled for business. There was SOMETHING. This went on for several years. And then she finally found the SOMETHING - yes, he was having an affair. A "friends with benefits" situation - no love, no intent to leave her, no desire to be without her. Had bee going on several months. He felt that he "deserved" to have some fun - he worked so hard, and his self-esteem had taken a recent hit due to problems at work. When confronted, he admitted it all. Including a prior ONS 3 years before. BINGO! That was right around the time that she KNEW something was wrong. The predominant feeling she had on that horrible day that she found out she was right? RELIEF!! She wasn't crazy. She was irrational. She wasn't just an insecure mess. She was RIGHT! And what a relief it was! Yes, it was difficult. But the marriage they have 2+ years later is MUCH better.

So, I respectfully disagree with you - there is definite harm done to others by not knowing the truth of their life. YOU may not see it, because it is some much more convenient to believe that it's "no harm, no foul" - my husband certainly did. But looking back, he would tell you the same as me. Relief that the truth was out, and we could move forward with honesty.

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 12:51 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

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GREAT STORY!!

Definitely a anomaly :) my only retort is that doesn't seem like a happy marriage to me.

Take away all her doubt, worry, and paranoia and the maybe so!!

Nope, you know nothing about my marriage. Just like I know nothing about yours. The problem wasn't in my marriage. And if you read the story, you would get that the doubt, worry and paranoia had a root cause. More than his ONS, the festering lie is what caused our marriage to be in distress. And while he went 3 years without cheating again, he was a "dry adulterer", as people here like to call it. He thought he was immune to consequences. So when the right set of circumstances presented themselves again - BAM! But I'm almost glad he had that second affair - because it brought it ALL out into the open. He didn't have to tell me about the first one- I had no evidence. But once I knew about the second, he knew that it was best for it all to be in the open. Look, you do what you think is right. You clearly know more than anyone else. But don't for a second think that you are doing your wife a favor. I don't think there is anyone here will tell you that is the case.

If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?

I've heard this question debated before. As a BH I can speak to this more directly. I'm glad to know the truth, but I would have preferred my ww confess than having to discover it. I've been a member of SI for about 1.5 years now and consistently the BS posts I have read do not express regret at learning the truth. They do talk about wishing they had learned the truth sooner.

For all of the BS's out there just imagine your life if you never knew about the affair. If you answer honestly most will say YES MY LIFE WOULD BE FAR BETTER it's really a no brainer.

There are so many ways I want to come at this.

First, there is a sticky thread in the Reconciliation forum of success stories that you can go and look at.

Second. I try to imagine what it would be like if I'd never found out about the affair and whether I would be better now or not. And I realize that you are missing such a huge part of the equation when you phrase your question like that. Yes, it is possible I would have just kept on going like we'd been going and we'd still be here and I'd be doing okay. There may be ways in which my life would be "better," in that I wouldn't have to think about the affair and the really tough times I had before I started to heal. Here's the part you are missing: in that scenario, there is no way I can imagine my WS having a better life right now. No way, no how.

He would have been deceiving me every day for the last four years. And I can't imagine him doing that without it changing the very core of who he is as a human being. He would have been living in a way that ran counter to his personal beliefs about himself and the world, and that can be nothing but destructive.

Furthermore, our relationship would have no true intimacy. I would no longer know who he is in any true way. He could no longer be honest with me about many of his thoughts and feelings. There would be an ever widening chasm between us.

Finally, he would have missed out on an opportunity for personal growth that has been incredible for him. IC and MC and introspection and reading and journalling - all things that he had no interest in before dday but changed him forever. He has dealt with stuff from his childhood for the first time and forged new relationships with his family.

That is the big picture here, for me. Being honest about the affair wasn't only about me; it was about him and who he wants to be.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 2:31 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Excellent post, She-Ra. Thanks for taking the time back in 2012 to do this.

@ Suspended

The question as my post previously stated MARRIAGES ARE NOT BETTER AFTER CONFESSION that is a fact. If they are please link threads from SI that show how a marriage is so much better after confession for those involved. If it is, I should be able to go to the Just Found Out section and find many examples, correct?

The people in the JFO forum are devastated. They are still reeling from the shock. Some of them stay there a long time. But many of the people in the R forum were once in JFO and you can take the time and read their positive stories yourself.

Our M is better today not because of the A but in spite of it. It's hard work. I know some people can't hack it but I am not some people.

To echo a point She-Ra made, there is no way our M would have survived the secret between us. It's not only possible for the M to survive the A but thrive afterwards, which ours is doing.

[This message edited by LA44 at 2:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

I agree with Suspended - marriages are often not better after confession. Is that the point of confession? To make the marriage better? I don't think so.

I am a human being. I entered into a legal contract with another person, and within that contract there were certain mutually agreed upon stipulations. I did not agree to having another person put my life in danger. I did not agree to stds. I did not agree to the humiliation of walking into a room where other people know more about my H and my marriage than I do. I did not agree to an OC. I did not agree to my H spending community property on another woman for the purposes of sexual fulfillment and ego stroking.

As a human being, I have a right to be fully informed about things that affect my life, my safety, the stability and security of my family unit. I have a right to be fully informed about any alterations or violations that are being made to the original legal agreement that we signed. I have a right to make fully informed decisions about my own life. I have the right to say 'no thank you' to being married to a man who is having sex with other people.

In confessing his adultery to me, my H showed respect for me as a human being, and gave me the ability to make a fully informed decision about my own life. He considered that to be more important than maintaining (the facade of) a happy marriage. Is my marriage better since my H confessed? ABSOLUTELY 10000%. Was I/am I devastated? ABSOLUTELY. First time I've ever been on suicide watch.

Would I rather still be in the dark? I have forgiven him for his infidelity. I only want the truth. If he deceives me or lies to me again, I am gone. There is no place for secret dark corners in marriage.

It's not the sex that devastates. It's the lies. The only counter for a lie is the truth.

The fact is most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR was never known about. Ignorance truly is bliss for all parties involved that would normally be affected by the affair confession.

Can't agree with this. This roots the source of the pain in the confession. It is not the confession that causes pain. It is the AFFAIR that causes pain. Most marriages would be far better if the AFFAIR never happened. IMO. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is impotence. Knowledge is power. You would simply prefer that you maintain the power position in your relationship, and that your wife remain powerless, that's all.

[This message edited by plainpain at 4:31 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Can''t agree more with what everyone else has posted... All really good points and hope that S takes it to heart. Confession for me wasn''t about making the marriage better. It was about living an honest life again. Facing my husband and letting him know what I had done and let him decide if he could continue to be married to me. We had to tear our marriage down to the bones and in a lot of ways it is better than ever. Sometimes it''s not, but we would have issues anyways, infidelity or not.

Suspended: We have a long life to live and I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and love who I saw. There is no way you can honestly look at yourself and be proud of what you have become. I apologize if my way of thinking is too black and white for you. As far as I see it, you''re either honest or you''re not. That your true character shows when no one is looking and there to keep tabs on you. If everyone in this world acted like an asshole in secret, our world would be even more fucked up than it already is.

My

[This message edited by She-Ra at 4:36 PM, December 10th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

We have a long life to live and I wanted to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and love who I saw

She-Ra....that's a beautiful thing above, really, really great!! I'm so proud of you

Affairs are part of that list!! Reality vs Principle........in reality it's better not to know.

There is a thread where someone asks abut the WS claiming to be unhappy. There are 3 pages of people all saying they knew when things went downhill, and it was right at the time the A started. The BS knows something is off. The WS may think they are acting normal, but they aren't.

Suspended, I assume you're a WS. For the WS, i'm sure it is better if the BS doesn't know. but if you ask anyone in the just found out forum if they'd rather not know, or if they are at least relieved to have the truth, they will almost all say the latter. Wait 3 months and ask those few that said they wish they didn't know, and they will have changed their minds.

You cannot understand the crazy-making things that happen to a BS. The gaslighting, the lying, the 'acting strange' - most BSs begin to feel that there is something wrong with them. They begin to feel that they are just insecure, or overly sensitive, or even that they're cracking up. And then some lie comes out, and the BS is crushed, and the WS lies about why they lied, and it's usually that the BS wouldn't have understood and they just didn't want to deal with all the bullshit the BS would do if the truth was known, and the BS feels worse about themselves. Then the real truth comes out. And it's ugly, And it hurts. And life won't be the same for the BS, or the WS. And many WSs wish the BS never found out. But every single BS is thankful that they finally got the truth.

Those BSs that got a confession are more thankful, because their spouse at least respected them enough to give them the truth instead of making their life a nightmare. Those that discovered it usually had to start digging. Why do you think they start digging? Do you think that we just decided that going through our spouses phone, or email, or jackets, or car seemed fun? Do you think we were bored? No - we KNEW something was wrong. We KNEW we weren't crazy. We KNEW there was more that wasn't being told. So they - WE - found it ourselves. And we were more angry because our spouses were willing to keep lying to our faces to save their own ass.

No, a confession is better. It shows the BS that the WS wants things to work. That they care and want to be honest with their spouse. Hiding shows a complete lack of respect, lack of integrity, and lack of any real feelings for the BS. I'm sorry Suspended, but you're very wrong in your assessment of what is 'best' for a marriage. Lying is never 'best'.

Good post She-Ra

Suspended:

Affairs are like a cancer. There may be many cases where people would be better off never knowing they have it. They could avoid the pain of treatments and emotional distress. But ignoring it does not mean the cancer doesn't exist. And knowing that it is there gives them the chance to root it out and become completely healthy.

You seem to be acting like a Doctor who decides it's in his patient's best interest to not know. But that isn't really your call. You are preventing your wife from the chance at a completely healthy marriage.

One thing I've learned in business is that many times screwing up and working hard to fix it brings more customer loyalty than not screwing up at all. It works the same in marriage. Keeping a secret like an A creates a wall that will cause emotional stagnation in a marriage. It can never be completely authentic.

Confessing does not hurt the BS or the M, it is the A that does that.

[This message edited by AdamsApple at 7:40 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

She-ra your post was wonderful, thank you for it.

Suspended I am truly trying to understand your posts here and on your own thread and have come to one conclusion. You are an unremorseful, selfish WS who thinks he knows better then all those on this forum who have btdt. You have found a way to justify your actions to make it okay to have done what you've done and to have positive memories. I confessed and it was the most horrible thing I have ever had to do. Want to know what my significant other said when I confessed? "I knew it." He was happy outwardly, loved me to death but he knew that something was different. I did too, so when he confessed that 8 years ago he'd let himself fall in love with someone else it explained so many gut feelings I had at that time and the time since then. I am happy I know, would it be easier to not deal with all the pain? Yes, yes it would be easier but it would not be better, I'd be living a lie.

[This message edited by Unagie at 7:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

I agree with your op post, She-ra, on why confession is the way to go if you want to heal your self and your marriage. (I also agree with your follow up posts.)

suspended ~ your posts had me feeling many different emotions. Amusement, anger and sadness being the main ones.

Amusement at you trying so hard to impress us. And, then coming to the conclusion that us poor peons couldn't possible wrap our simple minds around your epically magnificent awesomeness. We couldn't possibly understand how very elite and sophisticated your SD/SB relationships are. Good stuff. However, you just come off sounding like any other stereotypical WS and cliche out there.

The anger at how you claim to have no religion. Apparently you do. You are the god of your personal religion. I feel you believe you have the right and power to control all the people in your life. You move them around like pieces in some cosmic chess game that you are playing by yourself. I feel you think you are entitled to make the people in your life play in your charade. You give them no choices, you take away their free will. They are enslaved to your manipulations. You have taken away reality for them and only allow them perceptions. You are the director of your own Truman Show. I have a feeling I would really like your daughter.

Sadness. For your wife and children, but a lot of sadness for you. You say you are numb and have no feelings. Very sad. It sounds as though you are an amoeba in a man suit. How very empty. How unfulfilling. How unauthentic.

I want to thank you, suspended, for giving me an ah-ha moment today, also. I have realized from your posts that in order for a WS to truly change and to be genuinely remorseful they must be humble. I feel that is going to be very difficult for you.

BS here. My WF did not confess, as I found out while he was having sex with a prostitute and butt-dialled me. However, over the course of some time, I found out (I hope) more of the truth.

Suspended, can I please assure you that this is one BS that can answer the question "is your relationship better knowing that your partner was unfaitfhul?" with a

HELL YES!!

The dark and uncertainty is gone, my partner can address every dark and sordid issue in the light - with me, his loving soon-to-be-wife by his side, supporting him completely and unconditionally. I honestly bless the day I found out. We were going nowhere before it, and the secrets in his heart left no room for me.

Confess. Have the respect for your partner that they deserve. The trust and love that you build up and sustain will be stronger and more sweet and beautiful than anything you can imagine, once you are there.

IN ONLY THE MOST EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCE WOULD I EVER RECOMMEND CONFESSING A AFFAIR

@suspended, out of all of your posts, this is the most disturbing. Particularly "would I ever recommend."

You have absolutely no business giving advice to anyone on this forum. Your arrogance fails to mask your insecurity and the only advice you should be giving is how to get HPV (sorry, I meant educated and classy HPV).

EVERYONE...

Please stop t/jing She-Ra's thread. This isn't about Suspended...this is about She-ra and her progress.

Please respect it.

"She-Ra....that''''s a beautiful thing above, really, really great!! I''''m so proud of you"

Thanks DS

I mainly hope that others that read this thread that are on the fence about confessing will want to but scared will make the plunge for the sake of saving themselves, being honest to their partner and hopefully it will help save their marriage. I know if I hadn''''t confessed, my BH might not have found out but I know I would be sweating it forever, been depressed and not anywhere near the happiness I feel now. Our marriage has had ups and downs since dday but it would have had them anyways. Infidelity certainly hasn''''t helped but at least my hubby knows the truth and we can be real with each other. I feel like I can be honest with the world as well. Like when people see me smile, it''''s genuine.. When I deal with friends, family, coworkers or anything and I want them to believe what I say, I feel like I''''m being true to them inside and out. Being a cheater takes away any piece of integrity that you want to have.

So any lurkers reading this post currently or in future, please consider all the bright sides to the confession. Moral of the story and sums up what everyone wanted to make clear to suspended is that it''''s the affair that created the hurt, not the confession

[This message edited by She-Ra at 1:11 AM, December 12th, 2013 (Thursday)]