SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you so much for reading my post. I've posted before for specific questions but I've never posted my story. I'm doing it now in case someone has been in a similar situation and can offer advice.

My husband had a mental breakdown (turns out to have been a manic episode/bipolar) in September and this is when he cheated and did a whole bunch of "passive suicide" actions. My d'day is when he increased his depression meds and on the day after he left, he started on some bipolar meds. He has been on depression meds since late 2011 and was diagnosed with bipolar this week.

My brain knows that his decision to cheat is all on him regardless of his mental illness but my heart wants the meds to work (for him to get undepressed and come out of his manic stage) and for him to realize what he did to us and come back to me.

His behavior is so unlike him. I know others have said the same but I have to wonder if it's due to the mental illness or is this who he truly is? If it is the mental illness and it's under control, will my old husband come back? Will he realize that he doesn't love the OW and stop thinking that only she can make him happy?

It is still so confusing for me. Most of the time, I miss our family but there are some moments I'm like "how could you just leave us?". We have two special needs kids and I can't believe he would walk out on us without even trying or saying good-bye.

Thank GOD I have a therapist who reassures me that right now, it's going to hurt like shit but there isn't any short cut through grief. That it will take as long as it takes and that whatever I feel is ok.

Of course I want him to get better so that he can continue to be in our children's lives but I would love it even more if he would want to rebuild our marriage. Right now, we decided not to make any decisions on divorce due to him being newly diagnosed.

It's not quite a week since he has left and I've had only bad days with a sprinkle of ok moments.

Thank you for reading! Dmari

((((((((((dmarie)))))))

You situation is extremely complicated, given your WH's mental health.

You need to take a deep breath and figure out what your options are. He walked out on you, right? You cannot cure his illness, right?

Just wait, and watch, and above all, take care of yourself and your children. Protect yourself and your precious heart.

Your IC is right, there is no shortcut through the pain. My D-day was in July and I still feel it daily (but with longer stretches of feeling okay in between).

He will probably not realize what he has done unless you cut him off. A hard 180. Do it for yourself, not to win him back (I wish I could take my own advice on this).

Weekends are quiet here, but keep posting. You will find all kinds of support and advice. We are here for you.

Dmari,

A big hug to you in such difficult and confusing times.

It sounds like you have a very good therapist.

I have very close family members with the bipolar condition and to be honest, in my experience, it doesn't get easier separating the person from the illness even after a lifetime of trying.

However, you are right to hold him accountable, even if, and I am sure it will have, the onset of an episode proved the main factor in the choice to cheat - because by holding him accountable, you empower both him (as separate from the illness) and yourself (by allowing yourself full range of choice, emotion and acceptance).

I think there is a forum dealing with bipolar concerns down in I Can Relate, which you may found very useful. There are certainly many members here who either have the condition or are intimately aqpcqainted with it through marriage or otherwise.

I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with. My experience is similar but the mania was brought on by a bad reaction to anti-depressants. Is there a pattern to his cycling that you can somewhat predict when he will come down? Have you protected yourself financially from any fallout of his mania actions? Mania can leave behind a trail of destruction. Gambling, shopping, and other expensive vices can happen during mania in addition to sex.

I believe there is a thread in the I can Relate area on Bipolar. I also found info and stories on the web too.

He needs to be healthy first and foremost. He can't be a husband and father if he won't control his Bipolar.

Hang in there.

Thank you!

bravenewgirl - Thank you for replying! It means a lot! Thank you for the advise too!

Edie - Thank you for replying! and also for justifying my thinking as far as accountability! Very wise words!!

standingonmarble - Thank you for replying!! I will look into the "I can relate" forum. I didn't think of that. Thank you for reminding me that he needs to healthy first before he can be a husband and father!! Make sense!

You guys are the best!! Thank you for reaching out to me during the most difficult time in my life!!

Well, of course there is hope. The majority of the cheaters are not manic or bi-polar, and they still act the same way when they are in the fog. The mental illness complicates it, but the fog sounds just the same.

He is escaping reality and that is a powerful drug.

Because of his history, it may be best to just lay low for a bit and get on the 180 program. Don't call him, try to contact him, and if he calls you, be very cool. What ever you do, do not beg. Keep us updated.

This site will be a lifesaver for you. Hugs.

My WS is bipolar. During a manic high, he would get grand ideas, go thru money like it was candy, start projects (that he never finished), then the high would be over and he would sit in his chair and watch old Western reruns for days at a time. Mine cheated during his highs and his lows, so it didn't make a difference, and we split because he stayed in denial about his illness and would not seek counseling.

I can't answer your question about what he might or might not do, as everyone is different and even people with bipolar behave differently.

He may come down and realize that he blew it, or he may not. But you cannot put your life on hold for him.

Start practicing the 180, take care of yourself, and treat yourself well. Building a good supportive social circle IRL is very helpful.

While he is on his manic high, this would be a good time for you to take the time to decide what YOU want, what boundaries YOU need to have in place if you do decide to take him back IF he comes back, and do your research on bipolar and what you will need to be dealing with.

((((hugs))))

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:52 PM, October 27th (Saturday)]