SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OM: I can honestly say he'd be stupid not to trust you.As far as we went, we still never made physical contact.I think we both proved our marital trustworthiness.To ourselves, at least.

Really dude? This is rich.

I wouldn't even say, "well at least it's not a physical affair."

In my opinion this is WAY worse than any physical affair. Emotions run much deeper than any physical encounter. The fact that some other man has her love, and her emotions...

Man, I don't even know how to advise you here. She's flat out saying her love and emotions are with this OM. I don't think it matters that she's physically present with you and in a marriage with you, she's completely checked out on the emotional level.

I agree. What's walking around your house might look like your wife, but it isn't. she's gone.

omgnome --

What strikes me is that your wife is very needy, under the flirtation. She is pursuing him, and bringing up over and over the strength of their attraction in the same breath as she declares it can never happen. The guy is less invested, more willing to cut off contact, and less emotionally intense about being in constant contact. He's willing to chance his arm, but only after she gives him multiple green lights.

Your wife gives lip service to how important your marriage is, but undercuts that in every way. Her emotional gratification is tied to this flirtation and eliciting his declarations of love (which always are in response to hers; never unsolicited).

All in all, this is not just bad boundaries in a single situation. I don't think your wife can handle adult commitment and I think the character she reveals in her own words runs deep. If not him, someone else. She craves this validation and secrecy and forbidden love fantasy.

This can have nothing to do with issues in your marriage. You've barely established a marriage!

There are woman -- most women, in fact -- out there who would never behave like this. You deserve one of them.

blinders off is making excellent points above ^

I know some of us are being pretty harsh on your wife, but here is the thing: her emails are pretty horrifying and I think you are just in shock and not able to fully absorb the impact of her betrayal to you. To me, this is just as bad or worse than a PA although she'd like you to think it isn't. Her words are awful.

Also, given what I see in her exchange which is clearly SHE being the one pursuing and needing validation... I am even MORE suspicious of OM#1 and this comment about being under the blanket together. You really haven't gotten to the bottom of that whole thing. I think she got off too easy now looking back.

Omgnome, I wonder what she would say if you told her you had to have a polygraph on her? Her reaction would say a lot.

I really suspect you are not getting the whole truth.

Please know that I am not in any way wanting to make you feel defensive for your actions or your choices. You need to do what works for you. I just try to point out the things that I think you might not be seeing because you are too close to the situation or in some cases blinded by your love/hope that the worst isn't true.

We're all here to support you and help you no matter what.

I apologize I don't know your full story whether OM1 was a EA or a PA. I read your post and as someone who has two bestfriends who are guys for over 20 years I would say the following.

The OM2 is obviously not going to ruin his family for an affair. He cut off communication with her when it got too much. That being said your wife (as difficult as this sounds) is the one who is fishing for more from him.

I would suggest IC for her b/c she is seeking validation. She sounds like to me she enjoys knowing she is wanted- that is exciting to her. All women enjoy compliments and being attractive but what she is doing is throwing herself on the line over and over again. She needs to figure out why for herself. As a woman, it sounds internal to me and less about your marriage.

Some of the conversation is ok and harmless flattery but most of it is inappropriate because of the way she keeps bringing up and focusing on the connection they have together. She is the one churning the situation. For example, I have heard a comment here and there from my guy friends in 20 years similar to what was written but we both laugh and then we move on to talk about other things like careers, moving, our families, etc. There is a difference.

I am sorry you are here.

Gently,

People who need validation, ego stroking, and constant confirmation that they are the victim can't usually just turn it off. It is like a drug that they have to get. They can't just stop because their spouse points out it is adultery.

She may be acting fine now, but it is likely an act. She needs some real IC help to root this out, but she may not want to since it feels so good.

These emails read like a bad Lifetime movie. He is being a little coy, and this just fuels her desire. I agree that he won't ditch his marriage for her, but would settle for a roll in the hay. They would keep emailing, flirting, etc. Then one day she calls him and asks to meet for lunch. Poor me, Mr. Omgnome won't take out the trash, doesn't appreciate me, won't support me, takes me for granted, etc. She starts crying so they go out to the car to avoid embarassment. He gives her a few hugs, and a shoulder rub. He is the only one who understands her.....Oh, OM how can I ever thank you for being a friend? That's how it will happen.

People here simply want whats best for you, whatever you decide. But as the champion mistake maker on this entire site, I would caution you that she either has gone underground, or put it on hold for a while. Take care of yourself.

Blinders_Off, thanks for the advice, I think you are right about OM#1 being more than I was able to determine at the time. When I look back at text records going back to September of last year, I did a tall of text messages, in a three week period she sent him roughly one third of the amount of text messages she has sent me over the last year. I was oblivious at the time, she would use text messages as her major source of contact with her sister, mother, and female friends, so I thought she was just texting them. I do think that I was able to stop OM#2 before it turned physical, I strongly feel it was headed that way.

Fireproof, I have told her that IC is mandatory for me to stay around, I've told her a few times it is something she has to do. Beyond telling her that I am not going to force her, it is a choice that she has to make. She does have a strong need for validation in day to day life, and she claims that her two EAs were just over email and because she felt she needed the ego boost, she doesn't lay any of it at my feet.

Gipper, I think you are right about the validation, and am afraid you are right on going underground. When I log into her webmail for work I see a box saying that Instant Messaging is unavailable. Unfortunately I don't have access if that is available (she claims it isn't) and I can't touch her work phone. That eats at me so much.

But as I go on, I'm making sure I will end up okay. I don't really see a way that this won't end in divorce, I'm just too damn nice to totally leave her in the lurch financially. I hate that sometimes, yes she broke her vow, and I really don't owe her anything, but my principles won't let me just drop her with no hope of surviving. For all the pain she has caused I still love her, and while we will probably get divorced, I still wish her well in life.

That wasn't even stupid ass star crossed validation, that OM was playing her like a cheap recorder and she was eating it up. She isn't just pursuing him, he is setting it up so she can run down the fast lane at him.

He feeds her with some half ton load of bullshit about how honorable they are and how tragic it is and she commiserates, and then he starts mixing in the whole it's good we never met because you're too much for me to not touch, and she pounces on that shit too. Then the whole lets have an affair is so big she doesn't even pause other than to comment briefly about his changing rules without even talking about it. Parks too? Sure.

Standard fare. He's using her, she probably knows that at some level but doesn't want to acknowledge it because then she wouldn't get to feel so special.

By work phone do you mean her office phone? Also, what IM service is that? If it is exchange or something then it may need additional configuration to be accessed from somewhere other than her office.

Yeah it's her work phone. I've got records of home phone and her cell phone (haven't been able to find a spare if one exists).

Yeah and it's an exchange based webmail, I think maybe her work has the IM turned off for webmail purposes. Trying to find out if there is a way to remote into her work computer from home. I know I can do that for my work PC. I don't know if it would really change what I think will happen, it would only justify it more I think.

I'm sure you could set up a remote access, if she wanted to let you. That may cause issues with her company IT dept though. As for the IM client if it is OWA I'm pretty sure it just needs an applet installed and run through IE, but not sure. MS isn't my thing. The fact is she could set up a hidden account that she only accesses from the library or something - if she wants to hide things she will. Transparency is just as much about her willingness and desire to make you part of her private world, like you should be as a spouse.

If you are sure that D is in the future you might want to think about filing. Starting the process doesn't mean it's complete. If you want to R, set yourself a deadline for her meeting the bare minimum. Don't resign yourself to either situation.