After a few weeks of lurking, I've decided to post. Tonight is a bad emotional night. Some nights are fine. But might as well post when I'm feeling low.
When I was 17, I started my senior year of high school. I decided to take an intro to piano class. I instantly fell in love with my teacher. He was this quirky nerd yet extremely sexy man. Sexy to me at least. As the year went by, I'd randomly poll girls and my definition of "hot teacher" was pretty limited. Anyways. I'd subtly flirt with him during class. When he'd sit next to me to hear my piano test, he'd linger a little bit longer. Our thighs would be touching, but it was the touching where you'd pretend you didn't notice.I once asked to see his wedding ring just so I could hold his hand. One time, he looked at my binder and asked me who was the man on my binder. I said "David Wenham, he's my husband, he just doesn't know it yet". He looked at blonde hair David for a mere moment, then said "I guess I have to get blonde highlights then" and walked away. All these little flirtatious games were harmless. During the last month of the school year, I looked up his name on Twitter and followed him. The next day at class, I told him and he followed me back. The very last day of school, we had a senior function at the Marriott. I didn't know he was going to be there, but he was. He made a speech and left. An hour later, he messaged me via Twitter. Lets just say that very evening, we had exchanged numbers and participated in my very first sexting scandal. I was already 18.
Day and night, we texted and talked and got to know each other outside of the realms of teacher and student. Two days after graduation, I lost my virginity to him. We would meet up at his place around 4am when his wife would go out for her run. This continued all throughout the summer. He was teaching me how to have sex. When the new school year began, we started doing more risky things. I'd go to the school while his students were in rehearsal and we'd fool around in an empty locked soundbooth or any little nook we could find. Sometimes, he'd go directly from work to his home where we'd fool around in the middle of the day. He'd drop me off and go back to his after-school work.
Thanksgiving 2009, exactly six months into the affair, somebody messaged his wife on Facebook stating that he was having an affair with an ex student. He texted me this and told me do not respond. For eight days, I didn't hear from him. It was absolute hell because I had no idea what was going on. Finally, he broke NC and told me that she was very suspicious of him and he had no idea who sent the message. Once everything cooled down, we started back up again. But it was completely different than before. There was hardly any time. The middle of the school year was being a bitch to him. He's a performing arts teacher, so he basically lives in the school. After six months of me sending him naughty pictures and waiting to be with him again, it was summer 2010 and we had sex for the very last time. Neither of us knew it was going to be the last time. A month later, he stated that he wanted to stop and work on his home life. I was very upset but I had to respect what he wanted. But nevertheless, we still texted. Day and night about anything and everything. Woes of being a band director or my crazy cinematic knowledge. Hours and hours of texting. Every night, we'd text until he'd pass out. I fell harder and harder for him. I wasn't sure of his feelings. I knew we had only been a thing just for sex. He did express that his emotions were becoming deeper for me and that it was scaring him. He admitted this a few weeks before he started to back away sexually from me. I fell harder and harder for him.
April 2012 - I had one too many drinks in me. It was Easter Sunday. I hadn't heard from him since the afternoon. That was usual, but everything was amplified when I was drunk. When he texted that evening, I don't remember much but i do remember expressing my jealousy that he had dinner with his wife that evening. I went on and on and on. Politely, he excused himself from the conversation because he needed to focus work and didn't want to deal with a drunken jealous me, which he's seen all too much before. I stumbled onto the computer, and looked her up on Facebook. I attached a photo of him and I naked in his car with a very brash "me and your husband have been having an affair, we'd fuck in your house when you weren't there" and left her my number.
The next morning, he was furious. With every reason to be. He yelled at me like never before. He's one of the nicest men I've ever had the pleasure to know, so him being angry and mean was completely foreign to me. He didn't contact me for seven days. I went through hell. Got into drinking and drugs. Starting cutting myself and hurting myself and thinking of ways to die. The pain hurt that much.
A full week later, I texted him and he texted back. We talked for two hours in which he APOLOGIZED for blowing up on me. He agreed to let me back into his life. But the rules are completely different now. He doesn't text me when he's at home. I only hear from him when he's driving to work and when he's leaving work. If I'm lucky, I get about two hours of conversation with him a day. He has me under a different number. Same phone. But this number doesn't show up on his phone bill. I would always ask him since April, how is everything at home. The answers would be something like "Ups an downs" "I can see it ending very easily" "No change" "A lot of ups and downs". I haven't asked him since the beginning of October.
He's not a manipulative scum bag excuse of a man just looking for an ego boost. When we first began, he NEVER tried to rush me. It was never "come on, it'll be fun" or "lets just get it over with". It was always on my terms,my pace, my everything. He's a very respectful well educated man. Very well mannered. Just because he slipped doesn't make him the devil. I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses for him, but everybody says it. He is really a kind man.
I'm so lost and confused. Before DDay, I was just as depressed as I am now. I wanted him back as my lover. Post DDay, I'm even more crazy because I know and hear less of him. He's really consumed my every thought. I don't think his wife is going to separate from him, simply because its been seven months and I think she would've done it by now. I'm not waiting for them to split up either. This is not what I had intended. All I've done is make his life even more of a mess.
A little background info on them - They were married two years when our affair began. They dated for about four years. No kids. Neither of them want any. She's a marathon runner. They both are band directors with masters degrees. She teaches at a middle school and him at a high school.
He's going on a trip upstate to see friends alone this weekend to start off thanksgiving break. I don't know if I should read much into the fact that he's going alone, but it's a first vacation trip in a while.
I know everyone will bombard me with "You HAVE to commence NC".....
I'm not near that. I'm not even wanting to WANT to start NC.
I'm 21. In college. And probably insane.
