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For background, I had a ~ 2 month physical affair that I confessed to my wife 4 days ago. I haven't had much contact with OW since last week and after some prodding here I went to my wife last night and told her I wanted to go no contact with OW officially and wanted her help. Her response.... I don't care.

That was frustrating for me. So I tried to initiate NC myself. I called OW this morning and told her that my wife knows and we can't do this anymore. To which OW asked me bluntly why am I staying? I told her I would be with my wife as long as she would have me and that I love my wife and we have so much together. OW asked if I was done with her forever and I said I don't know. Which is the truth. OW told me I was making a mistake but if I really didn't want her she would step back. I know its not perfect NC but I think its a start and I couldn't end things with OW as coldly as some were suggesting.

I told my wife this evening I called OW for the last time and told her I can't and won't be talking to her. BW did not seem to even care and I started to ask her what she was thinking. Its really been basically four days of silence since I confessed.

She told me she was thinking and she doesn't know what she wants yet. She did tell me she wanted to take some time before making a decision and after some back and forth she eventually agreed that she wanted to wait a couple months before deciding anything. Presumably until after the Holidays and after the baby gets here.

I kept asking her what she wanted from me. I just want some guidance from her. She made one request. She wants to talk to OW and verify my story from her and see what she says and talk to her. I'm not sure if that is the best idea. OW can be volatile and I'm not sure what she will say. Is it a good idea or a bad idea for my BW to meet her? I can only imagine bad things will happen as a result.

On the positive side BW agreed to come to counseling with me and we have our first appointment next Monday. I have been reading some BW/BH posts in the other sections and my wife's reaction is nothing like theirs. My wife isn't spitting mad or emotional. Its like she just doesn't care. She did cry when I confessed but since then she has been like steel. Its almost off-putting and hurtful to me. I don't know what to make of it.

Its almost off-putting and hurtful to me

Wow. Don't even know what to say to that.

So you're wife is pregnant and you confess to an affair then ask her for help ending it.

She may be in shock or she may be realizing who she's married to.

I hope she's focusing solely on herself right now and taking very good care of herself. You are not at all.

If you really want reconciliation you drive this entire process by being 100% transparent, honest, COMMITTED, self soothing.

She shouldn't need to comfort you, help you with your withdrawals, figuring out why any of this was a viable option for you. That's your job.

Your responses to OW are awful. I get the "I'm just being honest" bullshit as I thought that protected me too. Nope, not even close.

The OW doesn't "step back". You shut her down and off. Period. Whether or not things work out with your wife you'd want someone that would cheat with you?!?! Why, so you can be back at this site as a BS and have the full experience?

Noah, I asked you this before. Have you ever been alone? You just seem to be covering bases not really engaged at all.

How sad for your wife. Especially right now. I just hope she is getting support.

OW asked if I was done with her forever and I said I don't know.

Way to keep that door wide open. What? Afraid to let go of your backup plan?

I couldn't end things with OW as coldly as some were suggesting.

Yet, you didn't have a problem in the world destroying the life of your wife and kids. Good to see your priorities are in order. How many times since you spoke with her to "end" it have you spoken/texted with her again?

[This message edited by lieshurt at 8:52 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

OW asked if I was done with her forever and I said I don't know. Which is the truth.

I called OW for the last time and told her I can't and won't be talking to her.

The above two quotes don't mesh. If you are never going to contact OW, why leave the door open with "I don't know" (if you are done with her forever).

I don't think they should meet because your BW is pregnant, and the added stress is bad for her and the baby, besides the fact that a physical altercation is a possibility.

Your BW's subdued reaction could be due to the fact that she is pregnant, hormones aside, it may be a coping mechanism to stay as calm as possible for the baby's health.

Try not to push her for anything, let her make decisions that are best for her and your child.

OW asked if I was done with her forever and I said I don't know.

I'm really not sure you read all the advice given to you, particularly the advice give to only go NC if you mean it. This statement above is not NC at all. It's I'd like to do the right thing because its what is expected of me but just in case things don't work out, I'd like you to stick around. You know, just in case. That's not helpful to your wife in the slightest.

since then she has been like steel. Its almost off-putting and hurtful to me.

So your wife is not reacting the way you expected her to? Just because she is cold does not mean she isn't hurt. I imagine she is trying to process the shit storm that has become her life. JMHO, but I think that it's "off putting" because you expected her to cry and wail and beg you not to leave. That she would fight for you. It would give you that same ego boost that the OW gave you that you cannot manage to find within yourself. As long as someone is wanting you, you are alright.

Maybe, just maybe, a relationship is more than what you are getting from it. Maybe it has a lot to do with what you put into it as well.

If you continue to concentrate on what you get, you will live a lonely life. Unless you start giving, without any motivation other than wanting to give out of the goodness of your heart, your wife will detach from you. Your OW will detach from you.

I think you need to take some time. Do some reflection. Do work on yourself. Really look at your family, especially with the holidays coming up. Really decide if this is what you want. If not, let her go. Don't drag her on with ill intentions. It's cruel.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 9:05 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

Noah, you still sound like you're full-on fog-fucked.

Your W is being silent because she's in shock. It will wear off and you will see the anger and sadness. She has a lot to try to make sense of right now. Why can't you just take care of what needs to be done without her help? You've gotten great advice in these forums, I assume you've read the healing library, what do you not understand?

No, no, NO contact. Start you're work. Learn to be safe for your W again. Establish proper NC and get yourself into IC. Reassure your W that you're there for her when she's ready, no matter what she decides to do.

It's your mess, bro. Start cleaning.

If you continue to concentrate on what you get, you will live a lonely life. Unless you start giving, without any motivation other than wanting to give out of the goodness of your heart, your wife will detach from you. Your OW will detach from you

Read ^^^this^^^, Noah. And really let it sink in. Process it. Think hard about it.

Because it is 1000% true.

So I tried to initiate NC myself.

*TRY* is the 3-letter *bad* word of the WS Forum. There is no try. There's only DO.

I know its not perfect NC but I think its a start and I couldn't end things with OW as coldly as some were suggesting.

^^^this^^^ may be the start of your downfall, Noah. I think that someone mentioned that continued contact with OW after Dday is going to be a very, very hard thing to overcome. Whoever said that is absolutely right. Your continued contact with OW--especially under the guise of *trying* to go NC--is not going to fly with your BW. I'm not so sure that you actually contacted OW to go truly NC with her.

Please don't compare your BW's response to your confession against anyone else's. Her reaction is her reaction. Everyone is different. Some BS's blow up, some shut down, some become very logical, some rugsweep. She may be in shock. She may be in self-protect mode. Just go with it and stop making her reaction about *you*. You have just *rocked her world* by admitting to betraying her while she is pregnant....and *you* are hurt by how *she* is reacting to the news?

As for your BW's only request--to talk to OW. I understand why she wants to contact her. I also know that I, personally, am not an advocate of contacting the AP. It typically ends up doing my harm than good. You said that she wants to verify what you have told her. Is there any way for you to back up your words? Receipts, phone records? Can you try to recover deleted texts and emails? Having said all that.....if your BW is sure that she wants to talk to OW, then make it happen. "Here's my phone, BW, call her." And then YOU leave the room and give her privacy. And you are NOT allowed to give OW a heads-up about it.

It's a loyalty thing, Noah. Right now your loyalty still seems to lie mostly with your OW. If you want to have any hope of saving your marriage you need to get on *Team BW* really quickly. Every action counts.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:33 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

Covering your bases, leaving yourself an out, worried what the OW will say to your wife, and making your confession all about you; you don't sound like you're even close to fully committed to your wife, and I kind of hope that what she's doing with her silence is getting all her ducks in a row to divorce you and take you to the cleaners. :)

Lakeside...

You can post respectfully in this forum or you will be removed from it.

To ALL BS's...

I've now added the stop sign, this thread is closed off to BS replies.

TBH that was my BBF's reaction. Toquote him exactly "I don't give a shit, I don't care." He said what I did with OM was between me and OM and whether I contacted him, ended contact with him, talked to him again he did not care. I initiated NC, I made it clear and said the words NEVER contact me again. NEVER call me, text me, or anything else again. The couple times he attempted to or where NC was not possible due to work BBF was made informed as soon as it happened. If you truly want to be with your wife then she becomes first priority. NOTHING about OW should even matter or exist for you. You're going through withdrawals because your losing this person to damn bad, that's your issue. Your BW is reeling with the fact that you did this to her while she's pregnant no less. What would you like her to do stress out, cry, yell scream, possibly harm the baby because her emotions and how she is treating her mind and body effect her pregnancy. Do you think she should care how much YOU hurt right now? She is probably being honest and does not care if her focus is on her and the child she is carrying she may be 100% in the I don't give a fuck about you attitude and it may or may not change. Be happy she has decided to wait a couple months before making a decision and take this time t show her you are serious.

I cannot believe after all the advice you were given that you tried to keep a door open with OW and honestly thought your wife would care about how you feel to her indifference. I get it I told my BBF it hurt that he was indifferent to me and his answer I don't care and you know what I understood that too. I had to suck it up and take it because I want him, no one else.

In the previous threads that you started there were several books that you were advised to read. I haven't gotten it yet, but on payday I'm getting my own copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

I've heard allot of good things about it. You should consider beginning your own library. There is that book, 5 love languages, the passionate marriage (although that can wait a little while), and many more. Get them. Read them. One thing you will find in every book about healing after an affair is that leaving the door open to the AP at all will kill any chance you have of rebuilding you're life with you're wife, and helping her recover from the choices you made. Draft a NC letter and give it to your wife to read before you put it in the mail. Don't deliver it. Don't hold on to it. If you want to keep the door open to your AP, go speak to a counselor, one that specializes in infidelity. They will say the same as us. Drop her, because if you don't, you will lose your family that you claim to want.

Noah,

What I see with you is that you watch how others are feeling and what their actions are to determine what you are going to feel and do. Why is this? Do you not know how you feel without watching the people around you? If your wife shows the proper amount of pain and distress then you can stay engaged in the marriage. If the marriage works for you, then you won't want the OW. At what point do you make a decision and just stick with it, or has your whole life been like this?

I am asking because sometimes this is a pattern and sometimes our lives have just recently become this out of control. So which is it for you? I think if you look deep you may find that you have always looked to others for how you should feel and have never been really familiar with your own feelings. You may want to look into that. That would be what Walking on eggshelz was talking about. Get to know who you are for once.

Putting your OW on the backburner like that is definitely not NC. Wasn't even close. I find it really disturbing that you could take everything we recommended to you to do, and turn around and do that with it.

It sounds as if your wife is in self protection mode. A common mode for a BS. Your concern should be for her. Not for how this is affecting you. But again, this is very wayward thinking. You need to work really hard on remembering who needs the care and concern. Continue to do everything in your power to do the right things. Say your sorry, take things off her plate as much as you can, GO NC!!! Get into counseling for yourself, start reading books for yourself, give her your passwords, start your timeline, let her know where you are at all times. This is a small list, but it is a start. Most of all, this is not about you anymore, it is about her, and the damage you have done. Fix you.

Noah

Are you for real ? You tell your wife your cheating and then expect her to fix it . I am amazed at her composure. And it sounds like she is willing to take charge but she wants to get clarity first. And she is not going to let you dictate the schedule or the future.

Man please read what you wrote again after you read people's responses. You are not describing a conversation with your wife as one of contrition and sorrow and remorse.

The pain you have inflicted on her is told by many on here as worse than death of a loved one. Linda Mac Donald has a book " how to help spouse heal after your affair "

You need to see your selfishness before you can be the husband and father your pregnant wife needs you to be.

Your still putting your self first.

" I don't care " was upsetting to you ? You should be begging her forgiveness . She should not be telling you what you need to do. She needs to see hear how your going to handle this. How your going to work hard in IC to get your why . She needs to know why. You need to own that you were so selfish, You would through away your marriage and brand new baby away to get your selfish needs met.

You have destroyed her inner confidence. She feels you can no longer be counted on to protect her. You may even have given her a std and endangered the unborn baby.

I applaud you for atleast owning you had a affair .And telling her. But please dig deeper if you serious about wanting your wife.

It has been 22 months for me and every day my wife relives my affair . She can't to this day talk about our futureor tell me we will ever be married again. It is all my wife and others can do to just get through the the week.

Your wife visualizes everything you did hourly and when you don't give her details she makes her own story to fill in the blanks. Put her pain and feelings first . Then look at every minute she lets you in her life as a gift and expect nothing. You might have a chance. But please remember this Reconciliation is a fragile gift from your wife back to you . It is not a right of yours.

[This message edited by newbeg2011 at 11:05 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

Noah,

I'm new at all of this so please bear with me, my first response to someone else on SI.

I too had an A while my wife was pregnant, so I know exactly the type of B.S. you are trying to feed yourself to justify why it was "ok" to have the A. Nothing makes the A "ok".

I've been reading your post with interest because of similar circumstance. But i tell you this...we for having the A during our BS most vulnerable time are below scum. We were supposed to love, honor and cherish our wives in sickness and in health in the good times and the bad. till death do us part. your wife might have been cold, distant, uninterested, not giving you the love and attention you wanted. These are not excuses or reasons that justify having the A. nothing justifies it, nothing pushes us to an A other than our own choices. We chose to have the A because we are WEAK, because we are human and we SIN.

The type of damange that we did to our wives is something we may never fully understand. we betrayed our VOWS, our LOVE, our M, our W, our FAMILY, our KIDS, our TRUST, and who we ARE. Noah just stop, honestly stop and think about those last statements. think about how your wife must feel after realizing that the man she loved just threw away everything that you two have worked for for an OW. Stop and think, and then think some more. its no wonder you wife is cold as steel, she's in shock. shocked that you betrayed her. shocked that you risked her health during pregnancy. shocked that you risked you unborn child's health. shocked that the man she loved is not the man she thought he was. shocked that the years of trust and love can be so easily pushed aside as if they meant nothing.

I urge you to be a man of honor and courage. step up to the plate and stop lying to yourself. look yourself in the mirror. admit to yourself that you are damaged. only after admitting you are damaged can you begin to peel back the layers and understand the WHY's. understanding these WHY's is what is going to give you the strength to work towards R even when it feels like a one sided battle. It is one sided. you may think she holds the key to R, but she does not...YOU DO. you need to prove to her that you are 100% in this for her. what you have been doing and saying here on SI is not stepping up and owning your mistake. go NC NOW! give her you phone, your passwords. give her everything. yes its going to hurt watching her read these things...for us its only a fraction of the pain that it causes them. but its what they need to heal.

What you need to heal is NC...PERIOD. not for your W, but for you. you are just trying to have you cake and eat it too. that is not a healthy mentality. please stop it.

I know i of all people have no right to be throwing stones or 2x4's. but take it from someone that was recently in very similar company. the TT, lying outright or by omission, the saying I forgot, the half hearted NC...these actions will not only damage your wife more, but they will damage you more. its time to break the old habbits of being selfish, of trying to protect ourselves from pain or things we are afraid of. and yes you may not know it, but the reason you haven't gone full NC is you are afraid to loss both W and OW. you are afraid to be alone.

" OW can be volatile and I'm not sure what she will say."

This is you saying you haven't been truly honest about everything with your wife. If you had been then you have nothing to worry about.

Please Noah, I say this cuz I've been there...GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. Start thinking, start analyzing, start considering everything, START GROWING!

I didn't ignore everything that was posted about no contact. What ended up happening is I wasn't getting anythign from my wife. She wasn't talking to me, giving me any idea of where we stand or how she feels. If my wife told me she wants to reconcile and work on our marriage I would have sent a brief, clean no contact message.

Maybe it was selfish but I didn't want to be cruel to OW. Especially if it turns out in a month my wife kicks me out and files for divorce. Then where am I? I don't have any clarity over where we are now, where we are going and its really difficult to make decisions without.

I need help ending the affair. I CAN'T do it myself. I know that. I'm not strong enough. If I could end the affair on my own without my wife's help or encouragement I would have done so. So I do wish she was more involved and active in this. Saying what she needs clearly and asking me to do things for her.

Noah, I asked you this before. Have you ever been alone? You just seem to be covering bases not really engaged at all.

No, not really. I've been in long term relationships since I was 16. Dated my first girlfriend from 16-18. Single for a few months and dated XGF2 from 19-22. And then met my wife. So the answer is no.

I guess I am guilty of covering my bases. I don't want to. Its just I have no idea of what is happening. BW is giving me NOTHING. What am I to do?

Look, I've been reading a lot. So many different BW's D-Day stories. I see so much pain and how hurt they are and how much they love their WH's. And I don't see that at all from my BW. So yeah it does sting.

JMHO, but I think that it's "off putting" because you expected her to cry and wail and beg you not to leave. That she would fight for you. It would give you that same ego boost that the OW gave you that you cannot manage to find within yourself. As long as someone is wanting you, you are alright.

That is painfully true.

I'm really not sure you read all the advice given to you, particularly the advice give to only go NC if you mean it. This statement above is not NC at all. It's I'd like to do the right thing because its what is expected of me but just in case things don't work out, I'd like you to stick around. You know, just in case. That's not helpful to your wife in the slightest.

I wanted to go NC. My BW was telling me I don't care, do what you want so it was hard to find the motivation to cut the cord completely. What I thought I was doing was a step. I didn't want OW continuing to text me throughout the day and I wasn't ready or secure enough to say, "We are done. Don't ever contact me again". I thought that this was some middle ground where I can work with my wife and try to save our marriage without interference from OW but without shutting her down forever. I want to commit to my BW but if she won't give me any signs of what she wants, its difficult. I know that NC is what needs to be done and I am trying to do that. That is what my attempt was. I'm not saying its the final NC letter. If my wife commits then I will send something much harsher and clearer.

[This message edited by CheaterNoah at 11:21 PM, November 20th (Tuesday)]

What ended up happening is I wasn't getting anythign from my wife. She wasn't talking to me, giving me any idea of where we stand or how she feels. If my wife told me she wants to reconcile and work on our marriage I would have sent a brief, clean no contact message.

Maybe it was selfish but I didn't want to be cruel to OW. Especially if it turns out in a month my wife kicks me out and files for divorce. Then where am I? I don't have any clarity over where we are now, where we are going and its really difficult to make decisions without.

I need help ending the affair. I CAN'T do it myself. I know that. I'm not strong enough. If I could end the affair on my own without my wife's help or encouragement I would have done so. So I do wish she was more involved and active in this. Saying what she needs clearly and asking me to do things for her.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES!! I am having the WORST guilt and remorse in the world. I have driven myself into a depression from my actions and wish everyday I could take back what I did. YOU need to make this choice of NC and show your wife that she can begin to believe in you eventually. You're covering your bases so selfishly it's ridiculous. If BW doesn't want me in a month what am i going to do!? That's your question, so your needs are obviously more important then what your BW is going through. If she decided not to be with you that is her decision, you don't get to pad it by keeping OW dangling just in case while telling your BW how much you love her and want to be with her.

My BW was telling me I don't care, do what you want so it was hard to find the motivation to cut the cord completely. What I thought I was doing was a step. I didn't want OW continuing to text me throughout the day and I wasn't ready or secure enough to say, "We are done. Don't ever contact me again". I thought that this was some middle ground where I can work with my wife and try to save our marriage without interference from OW but without shutting her down forever. I want to commit to my BW but if she won't give me any signs of what she wants, its difficult. I know that NC is what needs to be done and I am trying to do that. That is what my attempt was. I'm not saying its the final NC letter. If my wife commits then I will send something much harsher and clearer.

I see you quoted from a few people but conveniently ignored the post in which I said my BBF has told me the words I don't care. He was indifferent to me and what was going on, about NC and everything else because he was protecting himself and I did not stand there and tell him oh please help me me me me me. That's all I hear from you BTW me me me me. She won't help ME, if she doesn't forgive ME then what do I do, I can't do it alone, I'M not strong enough. You know what man up, strong enough?? You need to make a decision because this is just selfishness and your BW has already been hurt enough, she does not deserve this.

Noah

Your still only thinking of yourself. Your saying to your wife I need some kind of commitment from you before I go any further in breaking off my affair completely . What the hell . Your Wife is not the one who had sex with another person. She kept her vows. And your saying your commitment to your wife is conditional on her showing you love and support. For Gods sake please have empathy for your preg ants wife's pain. It is the reverse . Just by your actions and words. Why would she commit to a man who cheated on her and then says You need to show me what you will do for me before I quite seeing my person on the side.

If your commitment to reconciliation is conditional( after you are the one that cheated on ) upon her making you feel safe then your not putting your wife or your marriage first. It's just about you still. I am praying for you. As others told me before you still have much work to do .

My BS introduced me to this site shortly after she got her first evidence of my affair. The night that she found the sext messages i lied to her about the extent of my affair. I eventually came clean. My BS has typically been stoic in the face of everything. The difference that I see right now in how I look at her actions, and how you look at your BS's reaction is that I don't assume that she's not hurting. When she's having a good time with family, or with me, there it's a part of her that is still twisted in agony. How could I expect her to show me the depth of her pain, when I'm the one that caused it? How can you? Your blade isn't even dry yet, and you expect sympathy from her for what you're going through? Get a counselor, talk to HIM, tell HIM your pain. Post here. Just remember that we(SI) are here to support you through this, but in the right way. Many of us here have made monumental mistakes in the beginning. And that is why we're here. For support when we're low. Guidance when we're lost. 2x4's when we're being stupid. And sometimes, even a few laughs. Give your M, and your wife a chance. Drop the OW for good and be better for yourself, your wife, and your family.

[This message edited by wtsmm at 12:39 AM, November 21st (Wednesday)]

Hi Noah,

Your posts are very surprising and almost sound fake. Like you don’t exist. Like you are here to get the reaction out of people.

I can hardly find a post on this site from somebody who shows no remorse for what he has done and argues his case the way you have. People with no remorse usually don’t write on this site.

If you don’t have any remorse, no advice you’ll get from this site will make sense for you. There is no guilt in your post either, so, why did you confess to your wife at all, just to see her reaction, or to see if she is going to beg you to stay?

There is no single mention of love in your post, apart from confessing to OW, so, why are you with your wife? I’m not trying to judge you for what you have done, because, I’m not better, but I don’t understand how you can be on this site, after all, and not care.

I can not go to the length of destruction you have caused to your wife, because, it would take me 2 days to summarise this. You said you are reading other posts but obviously, nothing is coming through to you. You are expecting your wife to show you support before you end your affair. This is not the high school where guys with 2 girlfriends were somebody’s heros. This is a life. There is a person whose life you have destroyed. And with every minute you have an attitude like this, you are destroying it even more. There might be kids later too. One day you also might grow your conscience and there might be another destroyed person.

My advice to you is to ask your wife to read your post and the answers you got. To see how out of touch with the reality your posts are. It would not help her to heal but will definitely give her a voice that you are so desperately seeking

Its not that I have NO remorse. I do have remorse for what I've done. I know it was stupid and reckless. I'm not at all trying to get a rise out of anyone. I assure you of that. I guess I just don't get it. And I'm sorry for that but I can't help how I feel.

I confessed my affair to my wife because OW started to scare me. She was telling me she loved me and that she wanted to be with me. I felt like I was getting too far involved and I was afraid of OW doing something to out me so I wanted to end this. The affair and the lying was killing me.

I don't know what I feel about my wife. We haven't been "in love" for a while. If we were I wouldn't have had my affair. So maybe that is coming through?

I don't know what to say to your post,disgracetoh.race. How am I supposed to respond? I'm truly sorry that I'm not in the same place that you all are at. I don't know what is wrong with me that I don't understand. I'm not at all trying to be hardheaded or stubborn or argumentative. I just don't know what to do. I will try to spend some more time just reading and thinking and lay off posting for a bit. Do you think its fun for me to be lectured at in comment after comment? Maybe this isn't the proper forum? If there is another site I should be posting on, please do suggest. I am not at all trying to irritate people.

I see you quoted from a few people but conveniently ignored the post in which I said my BBF has told me the words I don't care. He was indifferent to me and what was going on, about NC and everything else because he was protecting himself and I did not stand there and tell him oh please help me me me me me. That's all I hear from you BTW me me me me. She won't help ME, if she doesn't forgive ME then what do I do, I can't do it alone, I'M not strong enough. You know what man up, strong enough?? You need to make a decision because this is just selfishness and your BW has already been hurt enough, she does not deserve this

I'm not you, Unagie. I honest to God wish I could feel the shame you feel about your actions. I want to be there. I wish I had the drive to do whatever it takes to fix this but I don't. I don't know why. I did make a decision. I want to be with my BW but.... if she doesn't want me - which I agree is her choice than I want to be with someone who wants me.

I want to fix our marriage and be together and be happy but if she is unhappy and doesn't want me than I don't want to burden her. I cheated on her. I fucked up in the worst way. She doesn't *have* to be with me. If she wants to I will do whatever she needs like telling OW we are OVER and "never, ever getting back together". But I have to know where my wife stands. Its not like our marriage was perfect before hand. There is a lot to fix for BOTH of us.

longroadahead22, Thank you for the post. I know I am weak and a sinner. I'm not in the slightest bit proud of my actions. I know my wife is lost and in shock. I will try to be more patient with her and understanding of where she is. Its just so difficult with a BW who *barely* cares.