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Talking to H and he's wanting me so badly to understand the pain. He says its like I stuck a stake through him and danced aroundnaked partying right in front of him. He ask me to post and have bs's tell me how it feels finding out and knowing the details of the A

I would have a look at the JFO forum...the pain pours out of the posts.

WS here.

Have you read in the just found out forum? spend some time there, spend some time in general. That would be my advice to you.

Spending time in those forums, it might just open your eyes. It opened mine.

Good luck.

Oktobermest and badchoice nailed it. JFO is an eye-opener if you read it and actually process what is being posted. I imagine for many WS it is difficult to let those posts really sink in I''m sure.

Some part of your BH is hoping you can still somehow get it. That you''ll achieve some breakthrough in your understanding of your issues that will make you see just how real his love is and how unreal the fantasy of the A and OM truly are. That you''ll see in his both the consequences of the A and his love for you.

eta: edited for content

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 7:28 PM, December 21st, 2012 (Friday)]

Surviving, please know that he probably cannot believe the level of physical pain that accompanies the anguish and despair or heartbreak.

When it hit me I was literally floored. Yes. On the floor. Unsure if the physical pain or the emotional pain was worse.

The physical pain is beyond comprehension. Until it hits. I'm still amazed at the level of pain. It's not an exageration to say it feels as though our hearts are being ripped out of our chests. I walked around for months wondering when the pain would subside. It's not just the torture of the mind movies and head games we play with ourselves. It's an excrutiating physical pain. I've lost hair by the handfull, lost 50 lbs within 2 months. I had hives for the first time in my life. I've been ill with mysterious symptoms. I have PTSD and jump a foot in the air if I don't hear you approaching. Can't breathe properly yet and I'm a year out.

Read the pain in JFO and the healing libraries as suggested. Read and read and then realize you still have no idea what it feels like. I still can't believe it. I'm so sorry now that I never knew it hurt so badly. If I could I would go and hug anybody that's been through this and I did not comfort them because..well, I just had NO IDEA that this kind of pain is possible. It's like trying to explain childbirth or amputation. You just can't know until it's happened to you.

Try to believe us. We're not exagerating.

Backing up curiouswiz here. We recently went for a walk in the field where my BH found me kissing the OM. It's 13 months since dday at the time. He threw up twice while we were there from the pain. He's never sick. It's indescribable.

Reading Just Found Out would be good.

However, it would be impossible for you to comprehend the pain. It just isn't possible, it's something that can not be described, it's something that can not be imagined.

Add to that when there have been multiple affairs, that brings it to a whole different level. If you've had false recovery, there's even more destruction.

So you can read, I'd encourage you to. But just know, you will never be able to understand the pain.

After our second DDay, I laid in my driveway that night, it was the night of my son's 11th birthday, sobbing and wishing I could die because in that moment, the only thing I thought that could ease the pain was death. The only thing that stopped me from taking a bottle of pills was the fact that I knew I had to be here for my children because he couldn't. Some days I *STILL* feel like there is no end to the pain. I think about him with his AP's every single day, every single hour, sometimes every single minute. It haunts me. I will never be the same.

I think Samantha nailed it. The pain is worse than death. So bad, death would be a preferable alternative.

I was pregnant when I found out so I had the added stress of trying to keep the baby alive while not being able to take anything for the emotional pain. It was the equivalent of being burned alive.

I have never struggled with suicide or thoughts of hurting myself. After dday, I wanted to cut myself all the time. I felt like if I could just bleed, it might leak some of the pain out.

For a solid week, I laid on my couch and prayed for God to kill me because I didn't want to go to hell for killing myself.

I couldn't fall asleep until I saw the sun come up because the night was more torterous than hell. Because my husband had unprotected sex, I felt like I had been raped since I had no choice in who I was having sex with via him. And he continued having sex with me so I had to worry about the safety of my unborn child.

While I was worried about our son having down syndrome, he was sexting and planning his next encounter with her.

All the while he supposedly "still loved me and didn't want to leave me."

Clearly.

What's the pain like? It's like watching the person you love most in the world die, and then having them donate their body and organs to someone new. Someone you dont know but that lives in the same house with you. And looks just like the love you lost.

And my children. My poor beautiful children. They have to suffer from a broken mother who could barely keep it together enough to make sure they were FED on a daily basis. Nevermind bathed and clothed.

Even still, joy in life eludes me. I recently told my WH that all I want from life now is to live long enough to see my children raised and happy. And then I want to die so the pain will be gone. I feel like my life has ceased and I am just a shell of my former self.

And to add insult to injury, I still love the person who did all of this. I wish I could stop.

And that still barely does the pain justice.

I am a BW and I can tell you it's the worst pain I have ever felt. I have been through a divorce when I was young and this cheating hurts worse than that. My dad is going through brain cancer and it hurts worse than that. I can't image a worse pain.

Lately I've been asking myself if the pain will ever end, sometimes I dont think it ever will. My husband has played and continues to play some very mean games with me- he has continued the affair behind my back denying it all the way until I have concrete evidence. He has gotten mad at ME for not trusting him. You name it, he has done it to me. The knife in my heart turns and turns. My heart bleeds. My gut aches. My brain is a fog. I am a shell of the person I used to be. I feel like a nothing. I know at this point I am chosing the pain because I am letting him do this to me so it's my own fault (more pain).

I wish all cheaters would just let their spouses go, divorce, stop the pain. You heal from divorce. Lies and cheating behind your spouse's back makes the pain never end and makes it confusing for them. For me, he dangles a little hope in front of me and confuses me with where I really should be going.

It's a miserable life, please have empathy for your husband. Put your arms around him, tell him you love him, tell him he has value, tell him you are sorry, tell him you will never do it again and DON'T. He needs to hear reassuring words that he is more important than the OM. He needs to hear from you that he is better. On and on and on. And do it now!

I am a BW . It has been the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

It felt like my WH & the OW drove a dagger into my belly---and 19 mos after I found out, the wound is still bleeding.

For the first few months after Dday, I wept & felt sick 24/7, could not sleep, lost 40 lbs in 3 mos because I did not want to be alive, let alone look at food. 4 mos after I found out,I guess from the indescribable stress, I became temporarily blind in one eye for a week & a half.

I could barely function or take care of my children.

I will never be the same, & my children will never be the same.

Now, finally, I no longer think about it all day every day---there are gaps during the day ( like when I am busy at work) that I don't think about it.

Altho we are trying to R, I will never 100% trust my WH again, & don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him.

Every time he leaves the house, I wonder if he is really going where he says he is going.

Hope all this was worth it to my WH.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 2:37 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Bookmarking so my WH can maybe get just a glimpse of what I feel every minute of my day.

1 year and 8 months past DDay my wife and I visited the small town where I went to college and where she and he first underwent the PA...in his truck...in a field.....She took me to the spot.....

I stood there.....all 6' 250 lbs....built like a NFL linebacker...all tough guy...and cried like I have never cried before to the point of vomiting.....I managed to wait to get home before unraveling....so she did not see my pain and get sent down the road of guilt....again

Thats pain....and the worst I ever felt. Its been continuous until this past fall.....Somewhere around the 2 year mark I allowed myself to breathe.....but the pain is still there...just dulled...

[This message edited by Long Gone at 2:47 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

Hi surviving1979,

I have read a lot of your posts. I appreciate your sense of rolling up your sleeves and working hard on the marriage/relationship in the present tense. I also appreciate the sense you have (and communicate via posts) about moving forward, that the A was a mistake(s) in the past, and dwelling on it impedes forward progress. That is what my therapist says to me, rightfully so. However, that perspective is probably not yours to have as a WS. That is for your BH's IC.

You have been asked this (understand the pain) by your BH because you do not empathize with him. You are busy fixing the marriage, which in your eyes was the cause of your seeking something outside it. I have gotten the sense from your posts that, because he "hurt you for years" prior to the A, you were entitled to find 'joy'. You just regret what you chose in that search.

You have not really let sink in that the selection of an A reflects your personal problems and not problems with the marriage. You have often stated that people with happy marriages don't have affairs, and that is not true. Secondly, and most importantly, you might not have thought through that these personal problems might have affected your perceptions of the marriage pre-A and helped create a sense of "being hurt." For example, a tendency toward cognitive distortions and negative internal dialogue will do this. In addition, if you have been conflict avoidant, your BH may not have appreciated these "hurts" and was set up for being blindsided by the A.

I can tell you that finding out about my WW's A has been the worst and most traumatizing event in my life. Worse than when my father died when I was young.

The folks above covered it well.

Good luck to you. With the energy and practical sense you bring to working on things, you can succeed. You may need to do some deep drilling on yourself in addition.

P.S. I also have appreciated your use of the Bible as inspiration and guidance in some of your postings. That tells me that you really want forgiveness and redemption for yourself and others; that is a good thing too.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:15 PM, December 27th (Thursday)]

surviving, good for you for opening yourself up to this question. I can tell you that I wish very much that my FWH could understand the pain that I have been through. My mother died last month and as I cried in his arms he told me that it was the worst pain that I would ever experience (he has lost both of his parents). He was trying to be helpful, but he just verified to me that he has no idea how much he hurt me and the level of pain I experienced.

The pain of my mother's death, while bad, was nothing like the pain I experienced after finding out about his LTA. Not even close. You would think that he could figure this out, as he saw me live through it, unable to sleep, unable to eat, crying all the time, going on AD's. Heart palpitations, strange and uncontrollable twitching. For months on end.

I want him to understand this--but I don't think he can. Or maybe he doesn't want to. But I don't think that anybody who has not been through it can really understand it. But good for you for trying. That is important, it shows a willingness to do what your H needs from you . So take whatever you think is the worst pain you have ever experienced, then multiply by ten. Or at least try.

I was raped, by a friend.

I was gang raped, by people I knew.

I was secretly given acid in a drink and had hallucinations for 5 years that I could not explain.

I am a multiple, because of trauma. When you look at me, you may not be seeing who you think you see.

I almost died trying to have children, by hemmoraging, for about a year, until I finally realized that I could not carry a baby to term. I lost 5. When I had my hyst., my lips and nailbeds were blue from loss of blood.

I've been stabbed while fighting for my life. Still have the scar traveling on my arm.

I've held a friend while he died of a herion overdose begging him to just hold one for one more moment, until the ambulance got there.

I wrapped bodies and took them to the morgue.

I got diagnosed with Lyme diease, late 2nd stage, underwent draconian treatment that caused me to lose my short-term memory (I had a 15 second memory loop), and after 3 years of IV treatment, left me on a couch with no musclear memory, no short-term memory, and with fibromylogia. I fought my way back into being mostly healthy, taking 4 years to get there.

I had PTSD from a lot of the above, screaming nightmares 3-4x a week for years, and an inability to be in crowds without freaking out.

And my husband gave me, thru his love and his dedication and his caring, the security to start to heal and thrive from all of this.

And then he took it away.

Here's a post that has been said to be very illuminating for WS's who can't comprehend what they've done to their BS's mind, heart, and life.

Things Every WS Should Know - HUFI-PUFI

(or YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER - NOW COMES THE FALLOUT)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250