SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for posting this!

For me the worst part was my own self doubt. In any confrontation with my former narcissist I always had logic on my side but he would restate my words in such a way that they would sound so stupid and petty that I felt ashamed of having made a big deal of it. I had to coach myself before confronting him to just stand firm in what I knew was right and the firmer my stand the more he'd push me emotionally and it was terrible.

I'd try to stake out one piece of ground I knew was solid, like "sex with other women is wrong" and by the end of the confrontation we'd have spent an hour talking about how *my reaction* to his cheating was sick and twisted. My reaction! So that somehow his cheating was nothing compared to my reaction to his cheating, which was the real problem.

Things were only good when he was getting everything he wanted and I was in my place, and even that "peace" wouldn't last because he needed to push it and poke it to get more.

And yet it all looks so normal from the outside that it's hard to describe exactly what's happening to you. I didn't even realize how bad that part was until years after I'd left him and he'd moved on to his next supply and I had a real marriage whose problems could be shared and worked through and fixed. The difference was so remarkable.

When caught in a lie, my NPD told me it was my fault...I made him lie! I am starting to learn though...its all about control, making himself feel better, etc. Now it is almost amusing to listen to the lies and the webs he weaves. He gets himself in deeper and deeper and I just smile and agree. I think it drives him nuts. Don't get me wrong I have many many sleepless nights and wonder about my future. But I know I can not depend on him for much. Makes me so sad, but I'm a big believer in karma.

For me the worst part was my own self doubt. In any confrontation with my former narcissist I always had logic on my side but he would restate my words in such a way that they would sound so stupid and petty that I felt ashamed of having made a big deal of it. I had to coach myself before confronting him to just stand firm in what I knew was right and the firmer my stand the more he'd push me emotionally and it was terrible.

This is exactly my experience. Would not matter what the subject was, he'd change the words around or use a tone/inflection, and suddenly I was ashamed I'd even walked into the room.

I can relate to so much of the things described here. I, too, just thought it was him being his quirky self, but after the A was outed, he really went crazy.

He and ow are still playing house so thankfully she is now supplying his kibbles.

I saw it pre A as gaslighting about something, then silent treatment, then rage from her for years. She would excuse it by saying "I'm not much of a talker."

Also,Passive aggressive about something, sulk away, then when asked about it, silent treatment, and anger if I "pushed the issue."

As entitlement by never finishing the last of anything opening/using new item. Doing something that continually resulted in a terrible outcome, then when I'd say, "try this", or "let me teach you", it was all "Oh, so it's SLeaders way, or no way", "you think I'm so stupid", even when I'd say if you have a better way, I'm all ears (NPD folks it seems CAN NOT stand to be wrong, or even remotely constructively criticized).

My God, what I faced if she asked which shoe/skirt/dress I liked better; if it was not what she thought I would say, it went flying in a rage, then her mood was seemingly pissed at me and dismissive?

Post A

Asking about her affair, no matter how gentle, she will/would instantly, and very angrily go to "oh, so that's all it's about", then either storm out of the room and drive away because she says "you only ask because you are trying to hurt, and humiliate me." She would also run to the bedroom, slam and lock the door, and start the silent treatment/turn the TV up to 1000. If I would try to talk through the door, the only break in silence would be "keep acting like a raving lunatic". Looking back, my keeping engaged, only seemed to fuel her.

If I attempted A talk in the bedroom, she would put her fingers in her ears, cover her head with a pillow, then after a few seconds (It was always a five count), storm out in a rage. For years I even had a saying I would tell her: "5 count -------.", it was so predictable how long from me saying anything that might dare "piss her off", til she would up and leave.

Her complete lack of empathy/remorse by telling me to "grow up and get over it", my daughter told "I don't see how this (A) affects you so much", Complete physical rage at the idea people/family/work would find out, her telling me she has no regret (let alone remorse) for her A, and 100% blame on me for it, seems to strongly suggest NPD of some type.

Lastly, her mentioning in a letter to me that DD and I suggested IC, she wrote: "I don't see how it can help me", only seems to strengthen my believe in something ain't right with her... Can't fix what you don't/won't admit exists, so keep avoiding the truth. This shit can really make you doubt your own sanity!

Living with a narcissist is a brand of hell on earth. Holding on to hope and belief in the person you fell in love with, only to find out that more than likely they never even existed, is extremely harsh and soul draining. The outing of his NPD behavior, along with his multiple EAs/PAs sent him in to a narcissistic injury spiral that could very well cost him everything. Certain members of his family find it easy to blame me, insinuating that I didn't try hard enough or hang in there long enough, as if I somehow share in the responsibility of his insatiability.

I have found that personally, knowing everything I can possibly know about NPD is the best defense. He is a soul-sucking emotional vampire, a predator. Life with him was Hotel California. "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

The only way to get out is to remove yourself as prey.

There are so many things that I recognize in these posts. My xwh was never dx'd but a psychologist and a counselor told me that he sounded like an NPD and a sociopath. I remember trying to have discussions with him about anything and he would just look at me like I was an imbecile. If I dared to criticize him I got the silent treatment for up to a week. I hated that and also how he would suddenly start talking to me like it never happened. Anytime I brought up something he didn't like I would get "are you trying to piss me off"? No matter what I said I was always wrong. He wouldn't let me talk about my beliefs because he didn't believe. I couldn't go back to school because HE didn't like what I wanted to do over study.

I spent four years trying to fix the marriage while he cheated and did drugs (unknown by me of course). I lived with his drunken rages for years. Everyone thinks he is Mr Wonderful and I was the unfriendly wife, they had no idea of the hell I went through after his drinking. He alienated me from all my friend, our neighbors and tried to drive a wedge between my daughter and I.

I lived in fear until I moved many states away from him. He threatened many times to kill me and told me that no one would ever find my body. He admitted to it in court and told the judge "I wrote her a note and said I was sorry so I don't know why she moved out". Thank heavens he has moved on and I no longer hear from him.

Dealing with an NPD is so hard because we can't understand their inability to love or have empathy. They suck you dry and when you no longer have the "image" they desire then kick you to the curb.

***Bump***

I think this was an excellent post about NPD.

We do also have a thread

I Can Relate forum-NPD.

If you suspect at least NPD tendency it's worth reading on the subject.

Thanks Cat and everyone that posted for the your insights and experience.

Gma

I have found that personally, knowing everything I can possibly know about NPD is the best defense. He is a soul-sucking emotional vampire, a predator. Life with him was Hotel California. "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

Exactly that. I am still exhausted and we are now divorced.

I got pretty good at recognizing the "circular talk" used to never reach a decision/judgment on whatever the topic of conversation is...because they are masterful at changing the topic mid sentence! You can be talking about a new DDay...and suddenly you find yourself defending against some action YOU did 3 years before and how victimized the narcissist was and still is about it! Talking about the new DDay is just your stupid paranoia trying hurt him and punish him but really you know all the bad things you've done and you will NEVER admit how horrible you have been and... blah blah blah

Jesus, this was staus quo for years: I even used a well worn quote I would tell her;

"Quit tossing me shovels, and hand me a ladder so I can get out of this pit" All she would "allow" me to do was in her eyes dig a deeper pit of compounding anything/everything she saw as something I did wrong over the years using shifting timelines, gaslighting, and completely misinterpreted situations to keep me in the pit. She would NEVER see perhaps she was wrong, apologize, or contemplate any blame... No ladder ever!!!!!

I openly apologized for things I did do wrong, and of course her selective amnesia continued to scream "you never did, you are a liar"... Her black/white feelings and childish way of looking at issues was staggering, as was her hypocrisy.

I would tell her after she would do/say the exact thing she did not like that I did:

"than be bigger than me"

And of course she would flail away doing exactly what she did not like that I did???

Me having to actively cover all bases when asking her something, making sure every possible angle was covered, because if not, she had absolutely no problem with lies of omission, and could lie right to your face if you missed a single word she thought had to be there... Think constantly of having to deal with a "depends on what the meaning of is, is" person.

After D-day, the mask was so ripped off, almost like a relief to her. Now it was raging at me for hurting her for asking about her affair, telling me I was a bum for being a SAHD, where for years she said it was great, using $$$ as a weapon against DD, and telling me I was jealous of her, and that she had outgrown me???

Her scary lack of empathy, complete blaming for me "making her cheat", rage when I was upset, and treatment of my daughter, clearly shows she is BPD/NPD/mix. Just as folks who have never been a BS really have no idea the depth of pain, so goes for living for decades with these cluster B folks... You completely loose who you are, your ability to feel and understand normal, and only until you go NC, is it's profoundness experienced. Strength to all who have to deal with this crap, along with them being a cheater.

**raises hand**

My favorite one-liner from her:

"You abandoned your marraige vows becuase you didn't stand by me during 'for worse' "

Yup. right you are, all my fault. Let me crack open a beer and go have some laughs with my friends now. Oh wait, you were talking about something? Really not thinking about you much anymore. Good luck with whatever it is.

Joking aside, I've found the NPD continues post divorce. Its all she knows. NC has been a challenge at times. She learned that I'm only responding to messages about the kids... and suddenly theres alot more kid 'drama'.

NC beats NPD in the end. You can't stop the flow of incoming messages trying to bait you into an emotional response. at best you can learn to ignore them.

I agree about any communication, even negative ones being fuel for the NPD personality.

"I'd try to stake out one piece of ground I knew was solid, like "sex with other women is wrong" and by the end of the confrontation we'd have spent an hour talking about how *my reaction* to his cheating was sick and twisted. My reaction! So that somehow his cheating was nothing compared to my reaction to his cheating, which was the real problem. "

OMG this is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. The problem was not his affair, it was my daring to express anger! It's so bad that one of his relatives is trying to stage an intervention of sorts to get him counseling. Also every reaction I had was soooo "dramatic". An affair is not dramatic, talking about it..now THAT is dramatic! And now he's full of "hurt" and "anger" because I won't just get over it after all of this time (a whole month and a half!) and be his "friend." Oh and to top it all off, according to him I destroyed the family and any chances of reconciling with my emotions.

I feel so duped. How did I not see how sick the individual I'm dealing with was for so long?

My H had been reading several self help books related to infidelity and recovery. He had read the "Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" because my FIL is a classic narcissist. Because of the shame and selfishness my H felt because of his A, he went to the IC and told him that he needed to see a specialist because he thought he was a narcissist. The IC laughed and told him that he was absolutely not a narcissist. He was a selfish, cheating spouse that tried to live out an illegitimate relationship that ended with him hurting himself and me.

How was he so sure? He said a narcissist would never entertain the idea that they are in fact a narcissist.