Sigh ... been a few months since I posted here, last time being in the reconciliation and general forums which will give people a quick idea of what happened. After trying very hard for 5 months to reconcile with this woman I had enough. I should have listened to peoples advice earlier. My STBXW is the very first person I've seen banned (and quite publicly so) on these forums since I joined half a year ago. For all those people who messaged me condolences for being married to this person, thank you and you were right.
There is just something so fundamental she doesn't get that it goes beyond any fog issues. I have told her very clearly that I am done. Done done. I will talk to her about our kids and the resulting shared finances and I will be polite at public events in which we are force to intermingle, but that is it. I told her she is not who I thought she were for all these years, that she is not a good person and not someone I want to associate with any longer.
But I keep getting crap like this:
" I still love you very much and I know you love me. I don't want to get back together, but we are not only losing a spouse this way, but we are both losing our best friend. I know that you have to go through your phases of healing and that this is certainly the "angry" phase. I know it will be intense, but I hope that some day you will be able to move past this phase. If there is something that I can do at any time to help you move past this phase, please let me know. I will try to back off and give you your space. But I don't want to just drop out all together, because that is the "Easy" way out and not being there for you. I know you will claim that you don't want or need me to be there for you, but it is my doing, and I should be there for you."
To me it seems she misunderstands the "angry" phase the books are talking about. I did go through this phase when trying to reconcile, being angry at the hurt and the betrayal etc. But this anger directed towards who you still consider your spouse and your life partner is very different. I was angry then because she had severely damaged our relationship. I still loved her and wished for us to remain, and I was angry at the roadblocks she had put up.
Now, my mentality has changed. The anger has subsided quite a bit and more importantly, I'm not angry for the same reasons. I'm angry that she made me jump through the hoops of this fake reconciliation for half a year, I'm angry at how she managed to deceive me about who she really was for so long and I'm aggravated that she doesn't GET this. I'm no longer angry at the affair. We are over and done.
I don't get the logic here. She recognizes she did the damage, and so she wants to help fix it? That really only works if you converted to the same team somewhere along the way. If you remain the same asshole that did the damage, then who in their right minds would trust that person to help? It's like the al-Qaeda mortaring a US base, showing up at the door the next day to help repair the damage, and going back to their cave that evening to plan the next attack.
Is this just me being strange or did any of you eventually return to being "best friends", or even just simply friends, with the person who betrayed you? If yes, why and how?
