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My bh thinks my LtA was a physical one as well as an emotional one. Just to fill everyone in, he didn't find out about the affair through me, he found out through acquaintances who we haven't really known for that long (maybe a total of 2 months or so). These acquaintances were friends of my AP and because they saw us spend a lot of time together they took it as me living a double life (which regardless of whether things were physical, I realize that that amount of time spent with someone other than my husband constitutes a double life). These acquaintances convinced themselves that we had to be sleeping with one another since we were such good friends and they swear that AP told them that we were hooking up (even though AP swore to me he never said anything like that to them). Bottom line is, they were pretty convincing when outting me to my BH and based on the amount of texts/calls between AP & I, why WOULDN'T my bh believe we weren't sleeping together?! It's kind of hard without really knowing my goofy AP to think otherwise. And, I'm guilty of keeping a relationship going with a guy who I knew deep down had intentions of wanting me to eventually leave my marriage and who I knew would sleep with me in a heartbeat if I agreed. Those things alone, aside from any PA, I realize severely cross boundaries and are grounds for divorce (as I would be extremely hurt if tables were turned and my husband had a "friend" he knew liked him more than just a friend).

I guess what I'm asking is how do I get my Bh to realize this was just a very inappropriate friendship, but not a PA? The other guy and I both confirmed this, but since other people around us thought we had to be sleeping together my bh obviously thinks AP and I are nothing but liars (rightfully so).

All thoughts welcome.

Thank you.

offer to take a polygraph.

Are those even reliable? Do many people do that?

Polygragraphs are not 100% accurate, please do your homework before using one.

I'm so nervous to even talk at all these days with all that's going on...I'm afraid I'd fail it saying my own name and address!

You may never convince him. Once the betrayal occurred, your credibility was washed. My WH and even his AP swear there was no sex or sexual happenings. They met up 2xs to makeout on their way home, and my WH reserved a fancy hotel room for them, that just so happened to be a night after he left. (sheduled it before I told him to get his out of his ass though). Her BS told me she left for a night to stay with a friend. The opportunity was there, as was the intent. After I found out about the room, I asked her BS if she was gone that specific date, but didn't say why. He said no.....but I KNOW she was checking his facebook and emails at the time, so it could have been her answering. About 3mnths in, a coworker said he told her he wanted to marry the AP and that he told her he'd go over there for sex and park in her garage so that I wouldn't see his car since we were neighbors. Her BS works nights, and they worked around the corner, so it's plausible.

To this day he swears there was never any sex, but see, by cheating he told me I couldn't trust or believe him. He was caught lying and saving his ass so many times, I don't believe he'd ever tell me the truth evenbifbit had happened. So, we take the cheating and betrayal, the lies (he is the kind that will continue to lie even when ALL the evidence is in front of him!), her lies, and other people telling me things, people that had NOTHING to lose for telling me, and it left me with a choice. Believe 2 people that aren't trustworthy, that intentionally harmed me, my kids, her kids, and her BS, and who repeatedly lied OR a stranger that had nothing to lose. The answer? I believe me. I believe they absolutely had sex. He hates that I don't believe him and criea about it when brought up. I can't help that. He will sadly have to accept it, as I have to accept many things I don't want to. More consequences of betrayal.

Can you accept that he may never believe that part?

I had an EA. My husband believed for a long time it was a PA. I spent so much time in the beginning trying to convince him it wasn't a PA that I lost sight of the fact that my EA was just as wrong (and later he tells me he thinks the EA may have been a bigger betrayal that if I had had a PA, as I gave my emotions - which are very personal - to someone else).

Precious time that should have been focused on fixing what led me to believe my actions were OK were spent on trying to convince him what didn't happen. That significantly delayed the healing of our marriage... and my healing of myself.

PA or no PA, you betrayed his trust in a significant way and allowed yourself to be involved in something that you know didn't have innocent intentions.

Are you in IC to help you address why you thought it was acceptable to develop a "very inappropriate friendship"? That must be the first step in your healing.

Mangled mom- I just see so many BS posts that say the same thing-they even though they "forgave" or agrees to reconcile they just know something happened and won't be able to sleep until they find out the real truth. I almost feel like telling him I DID have a PA would help him better then me telling the truth.

Stroppy Wanadoo- I agree an EA Is just as bad if not worse. An affair is an affair. It's just that an EA & PA combined is a double whammy.

And yes, I'm in IC and my first MC session is this week and I'm so nervous. It's our first time really talking since DD.

You are taking great steps. Keep it up, and recognize it will OFTEN be hard, but you can do it!

You may find as you do the work on yourself, and your BH sees that work in progress, that his focus shifts away from what type of affair it was. I know my BS did, but as I mentioned, I took too long to get started on the work since I thought my words alone could convince him. He may also down the line tell you that the EA hurts him more than the thought of a PA did.

Hang in there. Peace and good thoughts to you on your healing journey.

ETA - we didn't start MC until 6 months after I ended the EA and told him about it. I thought MC would be much more painful than it was, but it really was an excellent experience for both of us. Be not afraid!

[This message edited by stroppy_wanadoo at 11:34 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

You could start by doing some research on really reliable polygraphers in your area, interviewing them and if you find one that you feel would give you a very reliable test, offer to take one for him.

RG,

how do I get my Bh to realize this was just a very inappropriate friendship, but not a PA?

First I would not refer to your EA as an inappropriate friendship, that sounds like your minimizing it. He just found out and he is going to be all over the place. Don't try to convince him of anything. The only thing that will help are our actions, be truthful and let the chip fall where they may. That is all you can do, he will have to decide what he feels, what questions he wants/needs etc.

I know early on as a wayward I would get stuck or fixated on 1 aspect of helping my BW and would loose sight of other areas that I needed to pay attention to and that is not acceptable.

As a BH what helped was my WW staying focused on what she did, what she acted on within our M. Some days it just doesn't matter what you do, you can do everything perfect and it will just fall short some days. That is our new normal, but that changes with lots of effort and time too.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LIE!!! Yes, I shouted that. See, my WH is a liar. It's a destructive, deeply engrained skill he is working to remove. He lies about te stupidest stuff too, like whether or not he changed a freakin diaper. His repeated lies about the A, things he said be was (this isn't even necessarily A related), and having to pretty much pull everything out of him and being TT is exactly WHY I don't believe he didn't sleep with her. I don't know the coworker though either, but she had no fears callinge to tell me her side mnths later, but she has a bit of a sketchy rep....so I just had to believe the reality was that there was plenty of compelling evidence saying he probably DID sleep with her. I am finding my own peace through my healing. I have had to accept that I will never know it all, and they will forever share their time. Hard, but all BS have to accept that we just truly never will know it all, no matter how remorseful the WS is or seems.

I'll tell you now, if you lie, start to R, build some trust, then decide you cannot let the lie be.....he will have an even harder time ever believing your story at all. Maybe then he'll give up and walk. Don't risk it. DO NOT LIE!

There's a fine line you have to carefully navigate between harmful, defensive denial -- and honest denial. You do not need to admit to anything you didn't do, and you can stick to your guns about the PA -- But that doesn't make your behavior a simple misguided friendship. It is not your definition of the behavior that matters, but your BS. Perhaps you would benefit from forgetting the dividing line between PA and EA, and just work on the "A" regardless of the rest -- and that likely begins with confronting the fact that it was an A, whether you like the word or not.

I, too, was once in a string of EAs which did not become PAs. At the end of the day, I don't think it really mattered that it never became a PA. The damage was done, it was just as intimate and hurtful, and there was no real point splitting hairs and semantics.

However, I want to clarify, you should continue being honest about the absence of the PA. Eventually, as the situation evolves and hopefully moves forward, there may be more and more room for his belief in you.

My husband walked out on his family for an EA. He believed he was "in love" with her even though they lived 1600 miles apart and the entire relationship to that point was texting/IM/video chatting. They were coworkers at different branches.

He called her his "girlfriend". He told me that he would always have a "special place" in his heart but that he was in love with her. He apologized to his kids for not loving me anymore. ALL before he was ever in the same state as her.

Trust me, an EA in NOT "just a very inappropriate friendship". I almost wish he had had a ONS with some random chick - at least his heart/emotions would not have belonged to someone else.

IMO, you should keep talking with him, not defensively but calmly and civilized, even if he's yelling. At some point, HE will have to decide what he believes and if he wants to remain in the marriage.

After we started dating again a few months ago, I told him "we are already separated; therefore, there is no need for you to lie and no reason for me not to believe you." Since then, he has been open and honest.

My point - this is on his timeline now. You made decisions without his input and now he gets to decide how to proceed. It sounds like you are remorseful. If you want the marriage to work, you're just going to have to continue answering his questions, be patient and let him make up his own mind. You will not be able to convince him with one little thing, IMO. It will take consistency.

Side note:

It's kind of hard without really knowing my goofy AP to think otherwise.

As a BS, this sounds WAY too comfortable. It was a big red flag to me that maybe you're still talking to the AP.