SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even if the child is your's, can you really see yourself staying with her after the bombshell she dropped on you the this was going on even before you were married? You can leave her and still support the baby, if it's your's. Four years isn't too long. Sounds like you're young and can still rebound. I think this will eat at you the rest of your marriage. You will be snooping and checking uo on her the rest of your life.

I am so sorry you are here. After I read your story, I think there are somethings you need to consider.

1. Since affair started before you got married, why did she accepted your marriage proposal?

2. Why did she decide to tell you about the affair?

3.Is OM married if so does his wife know about the affair?

4. Since you decided to try for your first child, why did she continue to have unprotected sex with OM, how do you feel about that?

5. She and OM were getting ready for DNA test done, do you think she would have told you the results as it is?

6. If the child is not yours, what are you planing to do. Especially since the OM knows it might be his?

7. If child is not yours and accept the child as yours. Do you know that if things don't work out, you may end up paying child support for a child is not yours ?

I know it is little early to think about the possibility right now but I think you should have game plan. I think her closeness with OM is very alarming. I think you need to take care of yourself and make sure you think long and hard before you decide. Worrying about what she is doing, who is she with would kill me. This is no marriage.

[This message edited by Calabro at 10:34 PM, February 14th (Thursday)]

If the child is not yours, don't put your name on the birth certificate. She needs to own the shame.

Circular,

I'm so sorry you found us. Parts of your story resonate with me (particularly trying to conceive in the midst of an A), although the depth of deception you're encountering, and your WW's admission of the length of the A is just absolutely devastating to hear.

I have to also inquire whether Bob is married or otherwise in a relationship. You need absolute NC between him and your WW _NOW_.

If Bob is married or otherwise in a relationship, the other betrayed party must know. I was very resistant to the idea, at first, but in your situation in particular, he is a cancer that MUST be surgically removed.

[This message edited by CuckoldedinMa at 12:04 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

Yesterday was rough, by far the worst day of my life. I feel as though I am still in a state of shock, numbness has taken over for now. Communication with my WW is minimal for now, I've got things in my life that I've got to take care of and feel it best to get a bit of distance.

-SeanFla

These are just a few of the questions running through my mind at the moment. The strange thing is if I had to answer right now, I would say yes. I still have love for my WW at the moment and I don't see that changing soon.

-Calabro

Good questions. I'll answer the ones I'm sure about right now and get back to you on the rest.

2. I won't beat around the bush on this one, it was because of the possibility of an OC. She tells me her guilt has been weighing her down in the past year or so, which I beleive given she has tried going to church (something we have never done in the past) and seeking IC before the OC was a possibility.

3. OM is in a relationship and as far as I know she has no clue.

4. I can't speak to the why, but it devastates me. Especially because I know her and know that she is extremely anal when it comes to birth control.

5. This is tough, she has an appoint for an abortion set up for the week following the arrival of the DNA test results. She says she would have told me, but I'm guessing if she found out it was OM's she would have gone through the abortion and told me she lost the baby. This is just speculation tho.

6&7. NC has been put in place and she knows I don't want her telling him the results either way. If it is OM's we are planning on aborting it. Sorry if this sounds cold, but it is the decision we have made. I know I could not stand to raise an OC.

-C_inMA

At this point I'm concentrating on myself and don't want to waste any of the little energy I have on OM and his relationship. This may change in the coming months, but for now my mantra is "ME FIRST"

Final Thoughts:

It may be worth noting my wife had an extremely abusive childhood, which I have known about since day 1. Her IC thinks that the A stems from this and the fact that the OM was emotionally abusive like her father. I am in no way trying to justify her actions here, but feel the it best to get the full story out there.

Thank you all again, and please keep the posts and questions coming. I find this communication extremely helpful.

I can't help feel my marriage has been a lie. Anyone else go through an A that began pre-marriage and continued on for years?

So sorry you are here. I totally get this. When I first came on SI, I always wanted to find stories similar to mine or even worse to give me some comfort. Sad, but true. To answer your question, go through my story. Maybe you will see the similarities. Some things worse for me, some things worse for you. I know these things should not be compared, but somehow I always do it.

Infidelity in any form is cruel and sucks big-time. This thing where it starts pre-M and continues well into it is a special kind of cruel. JMO, but to me it is more shitty than say infidelity occurring 5/10/20 years after being married.

On the other hand, it is easier to walk out when you are less invested in the M (no children, little or no shared financial liability, etc.). But, knowing that this occurred during what was supposed to be the most wonderful time of your life sucks big-time.

How do you get over the thought that maybe you don't know your WS anymore?

You will not get over it soon. After a point of time, you will have to accept the reality and live with it. For the next few weeks/months, you will keep on thinking and obsessing over the times you spent together and how the hell she could do what she did right under your nose. You will slowly realise that what you thought about her and your relationship all these years was not true. Everything will be tainted forever. She chose to betray you in the worst possible way. She could have come clean after it happened the first time and it would have been easier for you to get over it.

Your mind will be a mess of a roller-coaster. You can choose to know her better and build a better M or think about going your own separate way. Take your time to take the decision.

the EA had been going on since before our marriage. I can't say I didn't know about the EA, but wanted too much to be the "progressive" spouse and just trusted she would know when a line was crossed.

I have also been in the same place and I regret it so much that I did not talk to WW about it anytime earlier. I also thought that she would know when the line was crossed and it became inappropriate. She kept on justifying everything that went on in her head until I found out. I get this thing about being 'cool' with it. Just remember one thing through this - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Our wives misused the faith and trust we placed in them.

I still have love for my WW at the moment and I don't see that changing soon.

I will not coddle my WW, but will try to be understanding when she is pain.

Gently, this is being the 'BS fog'. You have to de-fog for your own sake. Your life has been turned upside down and everything has changed so suddenly that you do not think straight. You do not have to understand her pain. She caused all this and she is the one who caused you immense pain. Why do you have to be the one to understand? She has to understand and support you. She has to be the one to comfort you. She has to straighten herself and fix her brokenness.

I also felt the same way immediately after D-Day. I wanted to reclaim the marriage. I wanted to be her knight in shining armour who stays with her no matter what. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to understand her and help her heal. I still felt the love. I realised later that I cannot do anything for her. She has to do it for herself.

What you can do is think about your relationship deeply, think about what you want from life. Think about it from various angles. Give it time (6 months at least). Process your feeling and emotions. You will know deep in your heart whether you love her or not. Have you thought about separating for a while? This might give you some time to de-fog and think for yourself. "ME FIRST" is the way to go.

Is she remorseful for her actions? What is she willing to do for the M if you are willing to give her another chance?

One last thing - I have no experience with children or coming close to having a child, but even if the child is yours, do you want to bring a child into this mess? Do you believe that both of you are capable of raising a child in this situation and until you sort out this mess of a marriage?

(((Circular)))

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 9:48 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

(((Circular)))

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I know it is devastating.

even if the child is yours, do you want to bring a child into this mess? Do you believe that both of you are capable of raising a child in this situation and until you sort out this mess of a marriage?

I apologize if my comment offends anyone's beliefs.

I agree with CrappyLife's comment above. IMHO, the first year with a baby is the most stressful on a marriage, even if the marriage is strong at that time.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:14 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

Be prepared for her to break the NC. Regardless how abusive OM is to WW she still has strong emotional ties to him. She may even have an idea of having this child regardless of which of you is the dad. They have had a very long A. It will not be easy for her to walk away without closure. Chances are she will reach out to him again at some point.

Don't be fooled twice by what she says now. Keep your head up.

Tell the OM's gf. This A has flourished in the dark. Shine all the light you can on it if you expect it to die.

How do you get over the thought that maybe you don't know your WS anymore?

Very gently, I would suggest that you have never known her. She has not been authentic with you, ever.

Some children who are abused grow into adults who are psychologically intact, if scarred. Others develop into adults who cannot form authentic, intimate relationships.

Your wife's actions show her to be in the latter category.

Whether she will ever be able to form an authentic, emotionally intimate relationship is really hard to predict---a lot has to do with the extent of the damage. You can't tell, by looking, what the future holds. She may have an eminently treatable intimacy issue. She may have a tremendously refractory personality disorder.

If she is very, VERY motivated to work very, VERY hard in IC for a very, VERY long time, she might be able to learn how to better interact with others, and how to be honest and authentic and genuinely intimate with you.

Your emotional well-being is at stake, as well. When she becomes safe for you (which she currently is not), you will need to work hard in MC, as well. (Do not attempt MC now; it will be emotional suicide.)

Are you willing to commit to several years of hard, hard work---just to find out if she can become a woman with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life?

The woman you love does not exist. She never did. You are married to a stranger, as I was, as well.

Will she ever become the woman you thought you knew? No. But she very well may develop into a healthier woman you love just the same. Or, she may not be able to do so.

And there's just no way of knowing which way the pendulum will swing.

I am so, so sorry for your pain. I understand it far more than I wish, and truly wish that no one else ever had to know it.

-CrappyLife

I'm so glad you posted in this thread. I am and have been in denial that I was in the BS fog. I'm starting to shed the initial desire to rush and save the M, and am now concentrating on my own feelings. Separation has been in the back of my mind, but I may hold off on making a decision until I get in to IC. She is remorseful, and has been continuing to commit fully to IC. I haven't yet begun to think about my 'needs' for me to stay, but at this time she seems open to anything. She has given me full access to all forms of communication without becoming defensive. As for the child, I am torn on this issue. I do completely understand that bringing a child into all this may disastrous for us. This is the one issue I feel pressured to find an answer for, sooner than later.

-mchercheur

I am not offended in the slightest. thank you for your honesty.

-solus sto

Thank you so much for you post. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I may not have ever known my WW (at least not throughout our M). I would not even begin to think about MC until I start my IC and I work through my own feelings. You are correct, I do fear of what my WW might turn out to be in the future. At this point I am taking things day by day.

CircularPolarizd,

Has your relationship with your WW improved since this last post? NC with OM? Are you the father or OM the father? I sure hope that you have good news in your reply!

Best of luck in your fight for your marriage!

Circular,

Just wanted you to know that you have our support if you need it.

My WH had an emotionally and physically abusive childhood (mostly father, but mother also) which does not excuse his affair in any way, but certainly set the stage.

It is a horrible jumble of feelings to go through--compassion for the hurting child who became your WS, disgust that WS would stoop to this level of self-sabatoge, anger at being the BS aka collateral damage . . .

I hope that you are staying healthy and your IC is a good match. I don't know what to hope for about the baby, except to say that if a parent is needed, it should be you.

Best wishes,

sailorgirl

I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you. Why aren't YOU the person who is supplying the DNA for the testing? She's keeping all kinds of secrets, and Bob is the OM.