SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted did not want to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?

Hi Heavy

I am sorry, this must be so difficult!

Try this link ...it is all folks that have had children through A's. You will find great advice and help here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=431778

I am sorry for your pain.

(((hugs)))

She told you she was pregnant in Dec but was convicted of DUI in January? Sounds like this pregnancy timeline is a bit off... If nothing else it will definitely be a pregnancy with complications in itself.

got dui in october... convicted in january

don't want our kids to have a broken home.

It's already broken. She deserted you and the kids for OM. She got preggo by OM. Your home is pretty much broken. Do you want to deal with OM for the next 18 years or longer? Can you handle seeing OC every single day being reminded of the A? Can you open your heart and your home to the OC? Can your kids handle this new family unit? Have yall thought about adoption?

If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?

If you adopt this child and your wife decide to go back to OM, you WILL have to pay child support for OM's child. Dude don't even think about it.

I'm assuming there was already a discussion about keeping the baby.

Do you want to raise another mans child? This situation is a lot different from dating a woman who already has a baby. You aren't obligated to take her back and raise this child. I doubt the OM will be hell bent on being involved unless he's not paying for it.

Make sure you do not put your name on the birth certificate unless you are absolutely sure you want this drama for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry your wife put you in this rough position, aheavyheart. My heart really goes out to you.

If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?

This may seem counter-intuitive, but simply having yourself listed as the father on the birth certificate may be the absolute worst way of going about this. It's possible you may end up having more solid paternal rights by leaving the father section blank on the birth certificate and then filing for adoption to have your name put on after the fact. Whatever you need to do to prevent OM from later on claiming that child as their own after you've stayed up all night feeding and diapering them, getting them through their terrible twos, and forming an enormous loving bond with them.

A good family lawyer would be the best person to consult if you go that route. I can't stress that enough. Paternity laws are extremely complicated, and they vary greatly state to state.

Knowing what is ahead of you legally might actually help guide you with your emotional decisions as well.

Seeking IC, or individual counseling, is not a bad idea to help you with your decision as well.

I will be thinking of you through these trying times. There are a few others of us guys on this site whom have had to deal with paternal issues. We're here for you.

Take care.

Dude don't even think about it.

Obviously, this is your call, but slow down for a moment and really ask yourself ... why would you want to sign up for this fate and lifetime of drama?

Sorry you are here. There are some good people around that can give advice on your situation. Question for you, why is your WW wanting back home now? Did OM dump her because she was pregnant and shit just got real for him as the fantasy exploded. If so then she is coming back to you as a plan B and you are her security blanket because OM kicked her to the curb for now.

R with your WW is going to be tough as it is from what you have written. NC is an almost impossibilty with the other man since he will have a child with your W. He has a built in "reach out to your W card" called his child. They are tied together legally for 18 years and technically forever because they have a child together.

If you haven't you may want to check out a book called "Codependant No More". I think you are understandably missing the big picture right now. You are focused on the elephent in the middle of the room which is the other child but you are missing the wooly mammoth in the corner that is all the other issues your W has and your reactions to them. You can't be responsible for you WW, she has to take responsiblity for her own actions. Her actions and poor decisions are taking a toll on you and your children. Counseling may help you figure out what YOU want for YOU and your CHILDREN.

Also I agree with others go see a family lawyer asap to understand your rights before you sign or agree to anything dealing with this other child. I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:26 AM, February 15th (Friday)]

If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with a lawyer and determine what your rights are, for whatever choices you might make.

Don't make any promises, or decisions until you've had the opportunity to do so. And I would do this on your own. Without telling her.

Purely so you can think over the options without pressure, guilt, or any sense of obligation to her.

As people have said, this is the next 18 years or more, of your life too. You have the right to really think over the options.

Is the OM married himself. Does his W know? As a BS whose fWH fathered a child on a one night stand and only told me about it 2 years later, I can tell you that you are all in for a rough ride.

OW and OWH are raising OC as their own, but want my fWH to keep in touch in case they want to tell OC later. OC is now 6 and for 5 years my fWH used to visit every few months, but I only found out 7 months ago. That is really painful for me. I can only imagine how much more painful it would be for you raising a child and seeing him or her every day constantly reminded of her infidelity. You need to think if OM is to remain in touch and on what terms. Since I have known that he kept in touch, I have insisted on NC with OW, so if fWH wants to see OC, he has to arrange all meetings through OWH as he is not allowed to talk to OW. Think if you reconcile with your WS, if you want her to maintain NC with OM, then if he has access to the child you raise as your own, you have to deal wih him. can you handle that? I would find it very difficult.

If OM is married, do make sure that his BW is in the know as well.

So sorry for you.

As people have said, this is the next 18 years or more, of your life too.

People don't typically die when they are 18...this is the rest of your natural born life.

I would not even consider this. To be harshly frank, I would say abort and we can talk but otherwise let's work something out over the kids we already have together and go our separate ways. That's me...

If you do go down this path please -

- Lawyer up. Find out what all the options are. Can OM give up rights of the child? What is his sitch exactly? What are your rights and responsibilities if - you formal adopt, they live with you, they don't live with you but they are still in your life, etc.

-considering D regardless if you are going to let her live with you or not. You may want to get out of the obligation of M for now and see how it plays out. Remember as long as you are M you a linked under the law. Men who get cheated on get screwed in D = period.

-Protect yourself, your children, your money and your emotional state first. Help second. IMO the sitch is jacked up enough to merit caution on all fronts.

take care ....

IMHO, she's only been home since January and only NC with OM for 2 weeks.

Seems to me, she has a long way to go before you can trust that this is the real thing.

I wouldn't even consider making things legal with the OC right now.

The problem is, if you are legally M...in many states you are responsible for any child that is born during the M anyway.

This is something you need to speak to a lawyer about ASAP. You don't want to be legally obligated to an OC until you are absolutely sure that she is remorseful and willing to do the work necessary to rebuild your M.

And if you are in a state that assumes all children born during a M are COM, then doing nothing is making it legal.

Please talk to someone who is familiar with the laws in your state.

I remember when I was a young teenager that my aunt by marriage had a relative whose W had an A. She left her BH and their four kids for OM. She got preggo by OM and he dumped her. She begged her way back into her BH's life. He took her back and gave the OC his name. After five years went by, the WW found another AP and ran off again. The BH was left with his four kids plus the OC. He raised her as his own. She was the spitting image of the OM (she had his bright red hair and freckles). It had to be extremely hard for the BH. I don't know how he did it. Think long and hard if you can cope raising another man's child if your WW isn't in the picture anymore. Think of all the different senerios that can happen. What can you accept and live with?