SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I confessed to an A 7 years ago to my H and we have worked on our relationship ever since. As Ive come to love my H more and more, and realised more about myself and my brokenness, I can no longer live with the secrets I have been keeping for our entire 20 year marriage.

Our relationship began with an infidelity with his very good friend, and I had a ONS with a co worker 17 years ago, that is one of my H's clients. I have kissed various men before my A, and once about a year after wards. I have been faithful physically for 6 years. I am absolutely terrified to tell him, as how much betrayal can a person take? I loathe myself and what Ive done, to him, but also to me. Ive given myself to anyone who fucken wanted me, and I am crippled with the pain of that knowledge.

But my H deserves to know how broken the woman he loves has been. Ironically now, that when Ive finally become the trustworthy safe person he always wanted to be with, I may lose him.

But those secrets sit between us, and our relationship can never have the chance to be whole, and true, until I tell him the extent of what Ive done. I have realised why I can never feel truly loved by him, because I know he doesnt really know who he has been loving, and even though he may not realise why, he continues to hold part of himself away.

I now have to tell him why that is.

And I am frightened out of my mind with the enormity of it.

Sorry, dont know why the stop sign went on, but I am OK with hearing from BS.

I've removed the stop sign icon, but please make sure to click it off in the future.

Thanks

Dday#1 I caught my FWH with one AP but instinctively I knew there was more he wasn't telling me. A year later Dday#2 happened and 5 years worth and 3 more AP's came out.

It broke me. 5 years of lies. It explained so much of his behavior, "gifts", lies, treatment of me. It validated I wasn't crazy.

I *needed* to know. I knew there was something anyway, just not what.

I stayed. We are in R. Its been hard, but the honesty has been a welcome relief.

I have been faithful physically for 6 years

Ophelia, you haven't been faithful at all. You may not be actively fucking anyone. That's not faithful.

I'm really glad to see you understand that secrets belong no where in a committed relationship.

Cheating starts in the mind...thoughts, patterns, coping skills, boundaries. That's where infidelity lives long before anyone else even enters the picture.

The fact you both found starting a relationship on the back of his "very good" friend says everything.

See, thing about these horrific choices and toxic thought patterns is little to no attention is paid when they work. If you don't have self respect and strong core values cheating, or any other bad choice that happens to work in your "favor" will be repeated.

You are now finding out that those choices chip away at your soul and cost you dearly if you have one.

You're on the right track with telling but I encourage you to really examine what your definition of faithful is and what your goals are.

If living an authentic transparent healthy life is it digging into what you told yourself with that first ugly step down the path that green lighted betrayal of your current husband's friend...I'm assuming you were with him to being with?

You stated you've come to love your husband more and more but you loath yourself. That's where you've got to start. Why do you think it's ok to give yourself to others.

You have some really good insights in your post. The fact your choices damage you as well is a great one!!!

You're picking good choices...signing up here, recognizing how fucked up your choices have been, desire to tell him. You're correct, he can't love someone he doesn't know.

Give him his truth. Keep moving forward and don't give up. It's so worth it!!!

Welcome.

Ironically now, that when Ive finally become the trustworthy safe person he always wanted to be with, I may lose him.

Yes you may, but your husband would want you to be not only trustworthy and safe, but healthy too, mature and adult. And that means that the right thing to do for you both is to tell the truth. You didn't become safe and trustworthy just to keep your husband did you? The picture of health is accepting that you cannot control others, that you became healthy for you, to save you, not just your marriage. Let go of your fears, fear that you will lose him, fear of his reaction, fear of the consequences. You want an authentic relationship, start by being completely authentic.

I have confessed several of those exact things to my husband, and he's accepted my multiple betrayals, and he has stayed. I owed it to him to let him know who he was married to.

I'm sorry you are in pain. I believe you know what the right thing to do is. You can overcome your fear and be strong.

Hugs and support.

Well if and when you tell him be ready for the fallout. It won't be pretty I am sure. He probably already guessed it throughout the years.

Good luck.

I can say in my sitch, once FWH confessed I started to suspect that several years prior there probably was another A. He wouldn't admit to it, said his PA was the only time he has cheated. Then I stumbled across a skype account. And I found the online EA I had suspected. He admitted afterward that since it wasn't physical he didn't consider it cheating. But when he saw me clicking away on the computer and came up behind me, he knew he had been busted and came clean.

For myself, I trusted FWH. My gut was waving red flags which I chose to ignore, and I felt guilty because I was wanting to D, because I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I was blamed a lot right after D-Day 1, that it was a relief to know I wasn't crazy.

Is there any more out there. I hope not. But given his poor coping mechanisms it is a possibility. What will I do if I find out that he is still holding onto secrets? I really don't know. I'm not afraid of it. But I will reserve to decide what is best for me if I am confronted with new information.

You come clean to let your BH decide for himself. You come clean to live an authentic life for yourself.

I would seriously suggest that you write down a complete timeline with everything on it. Everyone you've slept with, kissed, had an EA with everything. And then give it to him and confess. You owe telling him the complete truth. It may seem overwhelming, but as a BS I can tell you that one massive hit like that is preferable than being strung along, never knowing when or where the next hit is going to take place.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Uncertainone - it was hard to read what you wrote,but then the truth is painful to read or hear, but the truth nonetheless.

Last year was a catalyst for me to head down this path of self realisation. I wasnt sure why it was happening to me at the time, and not sure where it would lead (I know now), but a big part of the feelings I was experiencing was an absolute horror at what I have done, to my H, but altimately myself. That is the key aspect here, why I have treasured myself so little that I gave myself away. It happened from the age of 14, and I am still unravelling what this is all about for me. Was it watching my mother do the same? Having an emotionally distant/critical father? All of those things have contributed. But I am now a grown up and have to be accountable for what Ive done. Ive always been a hider, and a compartmentaliser. No more hiding.

My H too has been emotionally distant in our marriage, but I now realise a lot of this has been caused by him not feeling 'safe' with me (his words) and who can blame him? I cant even trust myself, let expect him to. This is why I need to be truthful now, and allow him to choose for himself.

In the last few days, we have been incredibly close and him very loving and 'present', and this is no doubt due to the fact he can feel my love for him, which is due to the realisation that there is no other way forward for us, than for me to tell him all of it, so that I know if he does decide to stay with me, it is because he knows ALL of the broken fuckedupness that is me. Its why I have found it difficult to feel his love over the years, because even though it sounds like a cliche, I have never been able to love myself.

I stuck these infidelities in a dark corner somewhere and tried my best to ignore them, although sometimes they would sneak out and make me feel sick, so I would push them back and make the excuse that confessing to one A, negated their existence.

As frightened as I am to tell him, it is more about seeing the pain on his face (that has looked at me so lovingly lately) rather than just the fear he will leave me because its too much. I know that no matter what happens, I will be eventually Ok, but I wont ever be OK keeping these secrets.

For the moment, I am having to sit on this grief at what Ive done, and that Im about to tear his heart out again and stomp all over it, because the timing is terrible with work committments, kids and visitors arriving this weekend. I am having to concentrate really hard when I drive as my mind is just elsewhere with the sheer anxiety of it all.

But I cant bear to live this way anymore. It has become impossible. Him and I both deserve an authentic, trusting, loving relationship. I need to dig deep for the courage Im gonna need to get there. And also the courage in having to look at his pain when I do.

Thank you for sharing that SamanthaBaker, it gives me hope.

CaspersIwish - you are so right in everything you wrote. No I didnt become trustworthy to keep my husband, I have often wanted to run from him because of the things Ive done, and in the last year is the first time Ive stood and faced myself and not run anywhere else to alleviate the discomfort. Ive had to poke and prod the recesses of my soul and what Ive found wasnnt/isnt pretty. Its made me frantic and needy, and although I know how hard it is going to be to tell him, and terrifying, there is also a small place of peace in me, that Ive made this decision, and its the right one, no matter what happens.

Im doing it for me. So that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that despite what Ive done, Im doing the right thing now by bringing my ugly behaviour out in to the open. No more hiding.

I don't know for sure, but I know that some of the greatest moments in the recenter days have been when I have confessed something I've been working on about my personal boundary issues, or letting her know that I'm thinking about and working on the problems I have that led to my As. I think it helps even more that she doesn't have to pry me for these things, and that I'm offering my thoughts on the subject freely instead of making her dig/investigate for them.

Thank you Isadora, yes, authenticity seems to be a common theme in the answers to my post. The Truth Shall Set You Free, is not just a pithy quote, but has real meaning when we are able to face ourselves. Its become impossible to hide the truth any longer, and I dont think i could have got to this place, until I got to it.

Skan - I wrote a brief timeline the other day. A trusted friend who is supporting me in this decision suggested I dont give full details first off, but trust him to ask for more information that he feels he needs. And readng the boards, this can go on for a long time. My H never wanted to know details about my confessed A. But everyone is different.

I know I have to do this in my head and heart, the actual sittng down to tell him, is the step my mind keeps shying away from. Although Ive even planned what room to tell him in, what to wear even (as I dont want a favourite outfit to be forever associated with this bombshell). Im trying to be cognisant of timing as well, and will organise that we dont have kids here for a couple of days. Makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.

But these are the consequences. There is always a cost to what we do.

Skan, when I say Full Details, I dont mean that I dont divulge it all, just not each one in detail. A ONS with a very old friend of his when I was 22 and my H and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months. Then the ONS with COW 17 years ago, and then kissing two men. I will of course tell him who they are. Jeez, even just writing it down on these boards makes it feel very real (not to mention shocking and ugly)about what I am going to do, and also how they will sound to him.

I dont know if I can forgive myself, let alone think he can.

ophelia24

Give him the basic outline you've written. I think that is good. If he wants more details, he can ask you.

You are doing the right thing. You say he seems to hold part of himself away. It is very likely because he suspects more.

I suspect more with my WH. I will tell you I have given him ample opportunities and "Get out of jail free" cards to confess anything beyond what I have found on my own. He hasn't.

If I discover anything else on my own, he is toast. If he comes to me and confesses, it will ease my mind (odd huh?) because then I can begin to trust my intuition again.

Good luck ophelia24. If I was your BS, I would take your confession as a sign that you are becoming a better person.

Thanks Josephine. I am doing this because I want to live the rest of my life with integrity and honesty and as ommission is lying, I cant be the person I want to be by continued lying. Which is what it is.

I have betrayed myself and my H, and it hurts to look at those things about myself and realise how dishonest, untrustworthy and how shamefully I have treated myself. That is why, even though I am frightened this may be too much for my H, I have to do it for me.Or I am doomed to repeat this shit in this relationship, or the next (if it comes to that).

Thanks for your generous response.

What Josephine said. Make sure that you have a timeline with every little thing in it down to the feelings that you had. This is your master. Then put together one with nothing but dates and occurrances. That's the one that you give him. Then, if he needs or asks for more, you can provide it immediately, without the soul-killing "I don't know," or "I don't remember" answer.

Some people need to know Every Stinking Detail. I am one of those. Some do not. Prepare everything in case, but start with the basics and then provide what your WH needs. Let him decide the amount of information that he needs and wants.

UncertainOne, you wrote;

If living an authentic transparent healthy life is it digging into what you told yourself with that first ugly step down the path that green lighted betrayal of your current husband's friend...I'm assuming you were with him to being with?"

Sorry, I didnt make myself very clear. Its probably due to the shock of actually typing these words down as they've been hidden away for so long. Or pushed away.

I slept with my H's friend one night when he was away out of town 21 years ago. They are still friends. A double betrayal that my H will find devastating.