SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You never imagine that you would have to make a decision on your future in this regard. You can hear stories of other people's lives and assume that you know what you would be willing to accept. Then it happens to you and you find yourself grasping at anything in order to make sense of the situation and convince yourself that your life has not been a lie and that the marriage is salvagable.

This has been my biggest hurdle, really grasping that this is the reality of my M.

Over time I have come to realize that I WILL be okay with or without WH.

I have a strong desire to R and so does WH, but he has not been consistent enough for me to call it R. In the meantime I focus on my life, my kids, and my friends and family.

The feedback here is always good. It pushes me to think and has made me stronger. The feedback at SI has helped me keep my boundaries in place and I reinforce them when necessary. There is always a consequence to any action against R in my M. The 180 is my mantra as it has helped me put the focus back where it should be in my healing.

mpb1974 maybe it might help you to try the 180 so that you do not feel like your universe revolves around your WW. Just a thought.

He doesn't necessarily need to do a 180 to learn that mpd does not = her. So often when these things happen one or the other partner is enmeshed with the other. And that is why it becomes so devastating to them. He needs to not be emotionally dependent on her. Learning how to focus on him and what his needs are and do it without disrespecting her would be huge.

There has to be healing that takes place on both sides before R can even be looked at. Her healing and looking at her issues, your healing and looking at your issues and if you even want this, and then looking at healing the M. It is at that point that R can be considered. Not right away.

I know this may seem harsh but ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Shacking up with someone is better than joining yourself legally and spiritually to?

Mpd, I respect your view on this and your right to have it and express it. It is one shared by many.

IC sounds like it could be very helpful in tackling what you say has been a lifelong tendency to depression and submerging of feelings.

There are many delicious things about R - and I hope you and your SO find that - because of the growth opportunity for two people, and that is the delicious bit, the discoveries of life you can make, for you, whether with or without your SO.

Mpd, I'm hearing what you are saying a little differently than some of the others. When I first was faced with the realization of the affair, I was floored. I had become a SAHM, and would need continuing education in order to reenter my profession. I felt terrified of the enormity of divorcing this person who up until the day before, despite all of our issues, I planned to grow old with. All of this, let me make some bad choices. I took blame where I shouldn't have, I tried to take over the healing for both of us so that I could feel like I had some bit of control, and the worst is I let WH get off with only partially coming to the table. The result is that I was in false R for four months, and it was devastating. Just as much as Dday.

I say this to you, because I see some warning flags in your post.

1. You are taking blame for your wife's affair. Your wife saying that she was pissed that you took too long to propose and that is why she cheated is blame shifting. If she isn't saying it, and you are just blaming yourself, stop. It is going to get you no where.

2. I hear a lot of fear of the unknown and change. Watch out for that. Don't let it control the choices you make. If you react out of fear of failing to R, it will keep you from getting healthy.

My advice is to get into IC immediately. Start taking care of yourself. As a condition of even considering R, insist that your wife get on meds and start counseling too. Then watch her closely. If she is remorseful and her actions show it, you will start feeling ready to look at MC and reconciliation.

My marriage was not in a good place prior to the A. With the work we are doing, we are both MUCH better people and our marriage is better for it, however long it lasts. The best feeling for me right now is that I know I am CHOOSING my marriage. I am working on it because I feel it is becoming something special. Not because I figure any man will lie to me, so why not stay with the father of my kids? Or because I am straight up terrified of being a single mother. Before now, these were major motivating factors for me. At 7 months out, this shift is just starting.

Then it happens to you and you find yourself grasping at anything in order to make sense of the situation and convince yourself that your life has not been a lie

This is exactly right. It made me cry.