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all our affairs have been dissected to death. I think about the affairs occasionally but I think about my mental health all the time.

I want to make sure I'm honoring myself. I want to make sure I have self respect.

I want to make sure I have clarity to determine if this life is what I want....

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:30 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

Yes but only as others have said, if it's received the right way. If I ask WH a question (i've learned not to!) and he gives me a mouthy response or acts like a jerk-- well-- no, it doesn't help.

So- make sure that it IS helping her by answering openly and honestly with compassion. Keep telling her that you're sorry throughout any new answers that could be hurtful. Be mindful of her feelings. It sucks..yeah...but I KNOW that I have a bazillion questions that I know I can't ask without running the risk of a huge argument that ends with me feeling BAD for making him out to be some horrible person (victim). So I don't ask them. The questions don't go away. They eat at me. If I feel that old ZING that gave me the feeling that something isn't right I'm DYING to ask him to clear it up.

Yeah- it's tough for us to talk about it.. but in the end it's better and we feel safer with someone who is trying- so in the end-- you're better for us by having done what WE need.

Thanks everybody. So much to think about. I think about my wife everyday. How much pain I have caused her over the span of our marriage. I think about how much better I am now as a person and a husband. I'm not complete but its a work in progress. And probably the way it should be.

Not being in her shoes or any other BS I just don't know if I can really understand what talking about it does for you? I know I don't spend time thinking about the affair. I think about who I was durring and what I'm doing now.

We do talk about that a lot. But maybe we should do more?

WS here. I've been in that uncomfortable dentist chair feeling for a while. Talking about it but reluctantly. But in recent weeks, when my wife and I are experiencing rapport, the discussions have become much more flowing, open, candid, honest. That is a very positive experience as I find myself wanting to talk about it more, to process it myself. As the conversations become candid yet rapport maintained, less feeling like every fact is killing her, I open up more. I wish I could have done this starting on D Day. We are at +4 months and these lubricated conversations are picking up steam and R looks possible. So, yes, talk about it. If you can find safety for both of you during the talks, that is the road that works for me.

Talking about it helps us process it. It takes the sting away. Early on, I couldn't talk without sobbing. Here we are 7 months later and most conversations about A are conducted rationally - even tenderly. I think it can also serve the purpose of ensuring there is no rugsweeping. I admit - and I've told H this...we've made some really wonderful advances in our marriage. I was sooooo lonely before. Now - I can feel how much he loves me - I feel cherished. And it has helped my healing tremendously. Part of me (a small part) is afraid ... What if he thinks I'm "all better" and things go back to how they were? I'm not all better for sure - but I need him to know that it still hurts. I hope that doesn't come off as manipulative. I NEVER EVER throw it in his face - or use it as a defense for things he might get upset with me about. But yes - talking helps - especially when he initiates it (when he tells me what a fool he was or notices a trigger that affected me and apologizes)...

I am over it, I never think about it, so quit bringing it up.......

.....what no BS has ever said to their WS. Ever.

Ain't that the truth!

Here we are 7 months later and most conversations about A are conducted rationally - even tenderly. I think it can also serve the purpose of ensuring there is no rugsweeping. I admit - and I've told H this...we've made some really wonderful advances in our marriage.

This is very encouraging. Thank you.