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that phrase says more than most would know. I work in an ER that carries radios for communication purposes. and the way that we communicate that there is a suicidal patient in triage that needs to come back to a room asap is by using the phrase special interest.

i used to be frustrated by all the "emotional drama" that comes along with these patients. but now after being placed on AD and newly an anti-psychotic to help with my depression and thoughts of suicide, i have a new understanding and respect for those who know there is something wrong and want help.

i am convinced that my suicidal thoughts are a related to the recent increase in one of my AD. this is because i was having a wonderful day with my BS and family. then a massive trigger and deep thinking lead to worsening depression and telling my BS to remove all of the knives and put her in charge of all the medications. I am not allowed to be alone right now, and that's fine with me. I don't trust myself, and that scares me.

I know i can't commit suicide because I have already abandoned my W and kids once and i swore that I will not do it again, and I WON'T!!! But other than added meds, which i've started, what else can i do. i don't like thee thoughts and dark feelings.

my BS is still here, I should be HAPPY!. my 2 wonderful sons love me, I should be HAPPY! I have a wonderful house and dogs, I should be HAPPY! I have a wonderful job and my career is only going to get better, I should be HAPPY! i have found GOD, I SHOULD BE HAPPY!

what more can i do to get out of this funk? how can i know i should be happy, but not make myself feel it? I was HAPPY prior to this weekend, why now did it change? what can i do to reclaim it? what if this isn't a side effect of my meds? what if this is truly the new me?

Hey there. I was never on AD's but I've been where you are. I had a foot off the platform of the subway while a train was rolling in prepared to jump and I glanced back at my SO and stepped back...I came very close to not being here anymore and that terrifies me. I was put on watch by my SO and he did not leave my side. I went to the emergency psych ward. I went to in patient pysch programs, I researched so much, I signed I will not commit suicide contracts but it all meant squat. The only thing I could do was take it one day at a time and work on me. I don't know what AD's are like several people tried to place me on them but I said no. One day I realized I was worth more then a senseless death and I stopped thinking suicide was an option. It took awhile and it was a slow realization but I had to come to it. You say you should be happy because you have all these things that should make you happy but let me ask you a simple question. Do you feel like you deserve it? Because until you do the thoughts will get worse. Until you recognize your own value and that you are worth more then you've given yourself credit for the thoughts will haunt you. I hope I made sense here I am very sleepy but I wanted to reach out tonight as soon as I read your post.

(((longroadahead22)))

Good job for seeing the signs and getting things in place that are healthy behaviors. That is excellent and you need to see it for what it is.

I should be HAPPY!. my 2 wonderful sons love me, I should be HAPPY! I have a wonderful house and dogs, I should be HAPPY! I have a wonderful job and my career is only going to get better, I should be HAPPY! i have found GOD, I SHOULD BE HAPPY!

I'm reading a bunch of SHOULD's in this statement. Are you in IC? If so, please work with your IC on on these SHOULD's. Are you thinking how live should be (fantasy) rather then what life is (reality). You do have many things going for you. I would think that you also have a lot of work you are doing. Just because you feel grateful that your wife is still there and you have 2 wonderful sons who love you, doesn't mean you are "happy". When working through all the "crap", life doesn't always "feel" great. It seems you can see the good that you have in your life. Appreciate it for what it is. Work though your thoughts and expectation of yourself. Sometimes the day is not good or bad, it just is.

Thank you for the replies. I am in IC and MC but never even noticed the verbiage I was using. i didn't even see it as a fantasy versus reality (deserving it). I can live with the days being "just is". I want to be happy, do I deserve to be happy...not sure?!

I want to be happy, do I deserve to be happy...not sure?!

Are you human? Then yea, you deserve to be happy.

I've struggle with depression for years. The thing with depression is that even though everything is going great and you know you should "feel" happy, you just don't. It has taken me a long time to see that some of my unhappiness was because I couldn't just be. I had plans. I had expectations. I had so many "shoulds" that my life was not living up to. Most of my "shoulds" came from my foo issues. One such issues was "I'm just not good enough!!!". Learning how to be loving to myself was/is so hard. By looking at my shoulds, I began to see the toxic shame creeping in.

Do you see the toxic shame in your comment? How is that working for you?

I had one more thought.

For years I told myself I would be happy if I just lost 50 pounds. Well, I lost those 50 pounds and guess what. I still wasn't happy. I had to fix me first.

I can completely relate to the "I'm not good enough thought". I've had hat for years and its worse now! I grew up with a shitty male role model, and for years my goal was to not end up like him, an emotionally abussive some times physical and mentally torturous father and husband. But now all I can think about is that I'm worse than that. I may not have ever hit my BS or my kids but I did put them at severe risk especially when my BS was pregnant. Lets not forget the daily emotional abuse and neglect that comes with being a BS. So in my opinion.. Yes right now I am worse. But that doesn't mean I have to stay that way, hence what IC/MC and SI are for!

I am fortunate to be years out from this and have the benefit of hindsight. I was reading OktoberMest thread, and I love what she wrote here:

My IC reminds me that once you have become aware of issues and traits in yourself you can change them. You cannot go back to being unaware. The thing is she also reminds me that you can however, chose to turn your back on those awarenesses.

One thing about foo issues is that sometimes our foo did not pass on the healthiest way of doing things.

I grew up with a shitty male role model, and for years my goal was to not end up like him, an emotionally abussive some times physical and mentally torturous father and husband

You had a $hitty role model and you did things differently. One thing I learned from IC was that I didn't have good role models yet I expected to know how to do it "right". Notice I didn't say healthy. I didn't know what healthy was. I just did it differently and yet still failed. Re-read the quote from OktoberMest again. You can always choose to turn your back on being aware, yet you keep facing it. That takes courage. To look at yourself, all of it, is hard work. And sometimes just flat out depressing. You are still in the middle of the $hit storm. Keep working on you. (((lrh22)))

Longroad,

I can completely relate to what you are saying. Shortly after what I had done, when I was deep in the regret stage of what I had done, I started in with some very circular thoughts of how I was going to commit suicide. You would think with the fact that my brother did commit suicide that this would be a huge deterrent to me, but at that point all I could think was that I had destroyed all of their lives and they were better off without me. After all, who needs a mother that could do something like that?

Luckily, HL recognized that the good bye I was giving was a little more than just a regular good bye and stopped me from leaving. I had my plans. He asked me to please give AD's one more shot, I did and was feeling better in a few weeks.

I have had adverse reactions to AD's, similar to what you are describing, hence my hesitation. I became suicidal on Prozac shortly after my brother's suicide, so I don't have good experiences with AD's. This one I am on is working like a dream.

What I can tell you is that my journey back up from rock bottom involved a single minded determinedness to fix me. Regardless if I had my M when I was done. I did still try to do what I could to support HL during that time, but the focus was on fixing my shit. I knew I had to fix me or I wasn't going to make it.

Your mind is trying to tell you that you have to work on you, you are in a critical stage right now. YOU are important enough to need the attention. Pay attention to that. I promise you can come out of this a changed person, someone you can be proud of. Probably something you have truly never felt. Be willing to fix you whether you have the M when you are done or not. Because if you are not fixed, nothing else truly matters.