SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Nov 2012 H dropped on me that he wasn't happy in our marriage. He blamed it on my cluttery ways (I am just shy of hoarder status, if I'm honest) and my being overweight.

I was hurt, and pissed. That night I talked to a mutual friend who knew he was going to tell me. In fact, he'd been confiding in her about his unhappiness for about a year and she was the one who pushed him to tell me.

Talking to her, I found out even more. He'd been contemplating an affair with a coworker, it seems. I asked him about it, he confirmed that he'd thought about it, and that was the end of it.

Feb 2013, I was lying in bed while H was on the computer. He thought I was asleep (our whole story is complicated, or perhaps made possible, by the fact that he works nights and I work days). I heard the facebook IM sound and just *knew* it was the person he'd contemplated an affair with. I logged into FB on my phone to spy on their conversation (no, I'm not proud of it, but I'm guessing many others have done something similar). I read along and could tell that the relationship had been more intimate than "just friends." I ended up falling asleep before they ended the conversation, so when I got up in the morning I checked it. He'd deleted the whole thing.

I checked his phone, noted her phone number (along with the recent texts they'd exchanged) and that night I went through his cell records and noted all of their contact. It was 100% by text message, no phone calls. It started in August 2011. Valentine's day of 2012, I sent him 3 text messages while he was at work. I got no response, and his reasoning was he was super busy. Apparently, he wasn't that busy because he exchanged 36 text messages with her that day.

By August 2012 90% of his texts were to or from her.

I ended up calling her (again, not proud). She said he was like a brother to her, nothing ever happened, she had no idea he felt that way, blah blah blah. I didn't believe her then and I don't now, especially after what he told me.

That night, I confronted him about it and we talked for a long time. I asked a lot of questions. I got a lot of answers, but also a lot of "I don't know." I'm not sure if he really can't remember - it's feasible, since his memory for dates and events is terrible - or if he doesn't want to remember or if he just straight up is lying.

He swears it was emotional only. He admitted to me that night that he told her he wanted to have an affair with her and she told him he needed to talk to me. THAT is why I don't believe her when she says she had no idea how he felt.

Since then he has gone NC with her. I check the phone records and his email nearly every day, though he doesn't know that. He deactivated his facebook account. We are in marriage counseling.

So why, WHY, do I feel like NC is just a little too...clean? I feel like I'm missing something. I have a hard time imagining there is another cell phone, but I suppose there could be a hidden FB or email account. I have a feeling I'm going to hear a lot of "trust your gut" and whatnot...and honestly, I don't know if I'm ready to hear that. What I need to hear is that everyone is suspicious at first, that it takes a while but eventually that will fade. Please, please tell me that's what will happen.

[This message edited by Uneek at 2:06 AM, March 24th (Sunday)]

So why, WHY, do I feel like NC is just a little too...clean?

Do they still work together? No need for hidden cell phones or emails if they see each other every day at work.

Also, you may be checking on him surreptitiously which probably helps in one way.....but is he also DOING anything proactive to help you feel better? I think it's that willing behavior from a WS which can fulfill a real need for the BS. For example, I have a GPS on my H's phone....but I also like it that he texts and tells me where he is, where he's going, etc.

No, they don't work together any longer. They haven't since October or November, if I remember correctly.

And yes, he is being proactive. Since I work days and he works nights, we only saw each other once or twice a week before. Now he's started coming to see me at work during my lunch break, we have a standing date for dinner at his work once a week. He responds to my texts and calls much more frequently than before and initiates more often as well.

Now that I think about it, that might be part of the problem - earlier this week I had several texts go unanswered. That bugged, a lot.

This process takes time. A bomb went off in your life. You don't trust him and that is normal. It takes time to start to feel safe.

That being said, trust your gut and watch his actions. Sometimes your gut will be wrong. Most of the time it will be right.

I know my gut was right about a lot of stuff. However sometimes I trigger, my gut goes haywire and I have to reassure my self by verifying

NC makes you suspicious because your WH did things with other people to break your trust. Anything my STBXH did or does after DDay makes me suspicious and I find I don't trust his words.

I think and I read/hear that it takes eons of time to determine how you feel and what levels of trust to instill in WS again. It's hard to let our hearts gel even a little after they harden from betrayel and maybe that's where you are?

I'm sorry for the part your friend played, also. I still have trouble sorting out how to face people who knew about STBXH's A and activities.

I hope it will settle down for you soon and become what you want once again.