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My BS Sess growing up made me the moster I was. I see more of my famileys habbits in life now days and I can see my self in them. I am angy and defensive more than I am the other emotions thruout my Relationship. Now trying to Reconsile i show lil more emotions. But still verry shut out. I did not talk to anyone in my familey of anything growing up. By parents split early in my life. Both where angry and yelld alot. I wasnt wanted mutch growing up. My mom put me on a plane alot and sent me to live with difrent familey alot. Was the black sheep off 3 kids. Older brother and yunger siss got all name brands and wher the specail ones. I got ham me downs an walmart. An older brother kickd my ass alot. Lil siss was emotionaly a brat to me. I pissd the bed tell I was like 12. An she made sure to tell all her friends. Holl family thought was funny and got mad at me I did at same time. My famely wasnt good. Still is not good. Full of drugys and alcahalics and only care of there selfs and what new things they can get. Me me me things. SO I still keep to my self. But I should be able to speek to my BS easy after all Ive done. But I feel guilty and pain when I look at her and I shut down and look away. Somtimes easyer to speek not looking. But makes her think I am lying or hiden. So I need to work on eye contact. I seem to have always bin angry and defensive when yung and older. An takes a big part of when me and my BS talk. I need to be more consistant in showing her love and careing and finde how to be less angry and defensive. Dos anyone aree with chiledhood scus us as aduilts? If so any advise for me in how I can see what I learnd and fix them?

Yes, the childhood issues, among other things are what we refer to as FOO issues (Family of Origin). Pretty much everyone has some sort of FOO issues going on in their lives. Some are big, some are small. And yes, it absolutely sets the tone for what you do with your life, how you handle things. The deal is, that many of us don't realize this until we implode with the whole A thing. That's what it takes for some of us to finally get it and start doing something about it.

Here's where it gets tricky in my opinion. You have trust issues. Yes, I know that one of the main things that we read here on SI is about trust issues when it comes to a BS trusting a WS. But there is another aspect to it. The WS has to learn to trust their BS, mostly when it comes to R and communication.

Your BS knows you probably better than anyone else. It sounds like she is giving you ideas on what you should be doing and giving you opportunities to talk with her. Trust that she wants this and that she can handle whatever you have to say. Trust that she isn't doing this to treat you the same way as your family treated you when you were young. Trust that she is doing this because she loves you, even if she hates what you've done.

On the eye contact thing...don't worry so much about it right now. Rather, next time you two talk, sit knee to knee facing each other. Promise to not move away. Just sit close, actually touching knees. It will feel weird, but it will change your communication a bit.

Strawda,

I bumped a post in General about FOO (family of origin) issues related to infidelity.

Some of it may apply to your situation. I hope it helps better your understanding of things.

AN