SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Betrayed444,

So sorry you are here. I'm relatively new and wish I found SI earlier because I made some mistakes when dealing with my H's affair.

After my 1st D-Day, my H, like your W, would only parrot back what I already knew and confronted him with. Here's where I made the mistake - I did reveal the source of some (not all!) of my info. H was in NC for 2 months, then resumed the A and took it underground. Resulting in D-Day #2. As the wise ones on this form have already said: DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES.

I know this is brutal stuff so pace yourself Betrayed444. You are not getting all the information - on that I'd bet the farm. Take care of and protect yourself and your children first.

I'm on the fence about divorce or reconciliation.

Other than the children, can I ask why? You seem to have a decent grasp on the difference between remorse and regret. She says she wants to reconcile yet shows you she wants to keep the A hidden. Is a marriage without complete transparency an option? Do you have the texts/e-mails yet? From your earlier statement, I assume you are in a Fault state for divorce? If not, she has no grounds to hide anything. Heck if she truly wants R, she has no grounds.

On the R side, who's taking the bigger chance? You(that she will reoffend?) or her(that you will use it against her)?

In her current state, IMO, its gonna take actions and not words to wake her up to the seriousness of the consequences. See the lawyer and lay out the ground work for probable visitation and child support. Do NOT let her know you are doing this.

If she is not open to you, slam the door on communication with her. Kids and finances only until she either comes to you with openness or you have finally had enough bullsh.. and filed. Again, you can always stop the process.

The no contact part is for you btw. N/C = no new hurts and gives you time to pull it together.

Strength

One of the major reasons WS don’t tell the truth is that they are afraid of the consequences.

Think about it – think back to when you were a kid. You probably did something at some point that you found hard to confess to your parents. They had to pull each and every part of it out of you. It’s the same with your WW; she’s afraid, ashamed or embarrassed to tell you the truth.

The only way IMHO to get the truth out is to make not telling the truth too expensive.

Sort of make the truth the lesser of two evils for her.

What you can do is compile a list of key issues you need answered. The answers to those will probably generate a new list with further questions, but start off with the general major issue list. Then make it clear to your wife that there is not the slightest chance in hell that you two can reconcile and/or the marriage be saved UNLESS it’s from a base of total truth.

You have to be firm on this: Without the truth there really isn’t any need or requirement to work on the marriage. There really isn’t a realistic option to reconcile. So why spend any effort on a doomed project. So if she wants to divorce she keeps her mouth shut – if she wants to work on the marriage then the price for the possibility of that option is speaking frankly about the affair.

At the same time you need to understand and possibly get some points across to your wife:

You have to make it clear to her that whatever she says is not likely to make things worse. That discovering she had sex with him 5 times rather than 4, that she did 29 positions rather than 6 or whatever won’t really make things much worse. Sort of like being stuck by a needle won’t really make much of a difference if you are being hacked by a sword at the same time.

Then you have to realize the questions need to have a purpose. For example – I have seen more cases than I care for where BH have asked about OM penis-size. The answer is always a lose-lose item. If WW says it’s smaller the BH doesn’t believe her. If she says it was bigger… well that tends to hit hard. So when you think of the issues you need answered then THINK: Does the question serve a purpose, is it answerable and is necessary for the marriage.

You can also try to create a situation that is conductive to your WW answering. For example: You sit back-to-back so she doesn’t have to look at you. You do this in a controlled environment where there are no kids, phone or disturbances. You give her a list and she answers without interruption…

Like I say - the answers will very likely generate new questions so you definitely need more than one session.

If you get to the stage where she opens up then plan carefully: Take an hour to answer questions, then go your separate ways for an hour to run, walk, the gym… Then spend time together NOT talking about the affair.

Finally – do not hesitate to require a polygraph. Don’t be afraid of leveling the “if you fail the polygraph based on what you have already told me this marriage is over” threat. Remember: YOU NEED the truth to move on.

Thank you all so much. For the past month I have been relying on this site to remain as clear headed as I can. Heart and mind conflict so much it seems like a roller coaster. One day I'm for reconciliation then I'm against. WW is loving and intimate but walks away when I bring anything up. Certain music she was listening triggers me. I have built a beautiful house with two handsome boys and I have a fantastic job. My story is long and I want to put it out there in a clear and concise way. It has many parts and I need the perfect moment to compose it. At this point if I go with D I will have full custody with all assets. My honorable side has been doi g the right thing, keeping us together and keeping the boys Unexposed. She really messed up. When she decided to initiate a she said " F it" her words. I tried to explain that full disclosure couldn't make it worse only better. She holds it in. Doesn't talk to me like she used to. Isn't fun anymore. Even sex is not that great. OM is gone. He left the state. The night I confronted him he pee'd himself, seriously. He quit his job and disappeared. The 2nd male never got back to me and broke contact. Too much trouble then it was worth. Your advice is invaluable

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 5:32 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

Don't know if WW would listen, but one of the sayings on this site that has helped a lot has been "You can't heal it if you don't feel it".

Trite, I know, but accurate none the less.

Still stick by my earlier advice though.

I tried to explain that full disclosure couldn't make it worse only better. She holds it in. Doesn't talk to me like she used to. Isn't fun anymore. Even sex is not that great.

Is this really the way you want to live? What can you do differently?

5454 and I are on the same page.

You can’t heal if you don’t know what you are healing from.

Imagine this wasn’t infidelity but that you discovered your wife was deep in gambling debt. Simply knowing about the debt won’t really help you. You could work harder and throw all your money and savings at it but until you know the amount, how she got into debt, where and how she gambled and felt assured she wasn’t going to the tracks any more then all you are doing is throwing money at the symptoms. Sort of like taking pain-killers to cure a broken leg. IT WON’T WORK.

So until and unless your WW opens up… Well – you are simply forking money into a black hole with no knowledge whatsoever when it will end or if it will end.

Make keeping secrets more expensive for her than telling the truth.