SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I just realized that I have been posting a lot since I joined last week. I never actually shared my story. Married 8 yrs. BF for 20. Together for 12. Two wonderful children.

My husband had an emotional, mostly texting affair with his cashier for a month and a half. While I was at home taking care of our two children. She is 10yrs younger than me. He claimed she was more carefree and made him feel good. I left my home, friends, family, career, and volunteer work to follow him out here. He pays my commitment to him and his family back by having an affair. I would have been carefree and fun if I had more support like the bitch did. He said he wanted it all and wasn't sure if he still loved me on D-day. He said I had changed(suffering some depression from being away from home). Well, so did he. He stayed, but at first I think it was out of duty. He kept saying how will he tell his daughter that he doesn't love her mommy any more? He insist he didn't love the other girl. Well-he sure as hell wasn't loving me. His pining over her for a month afterward caused more damage. Her current boss and BF helped aide the affair by bashing me with my husband, taking them out drinking, and sharing private info about the OW's sex life with my husband. The way he still put those two before me and his children was the worse. I don't hate him for the affair, I resent him for the way he treated me after the affair (after confessing he loved me and wanted to be with me). All because he was focused on himself and how he felt and if his two girls (AP and her boss)were being hurt in the process. It is called consequences- look it up. How DARE he mourn the other women in front of me. How DARE he act like I am supposed to feel sorry for him that he lost her. If you are SO upset that you lost someone so "beautiful, that you had high regards for, and thought highly of" leave and go be with the bitch. Total texts exchanged between WH and OW in one month. 1,200 He broke the affair off, after sending the AP on her merry way with best wishes and I wish we can get to know each other better. He still refuses to look at her as a bad person. (This home-wrecker that helped him destroy me is not a bad person?)If he loves me so much, he should hate anyone that tries to hurt me. Can I R as long as he thinks fondly of her? I don't think so. According to the three of them No PA. Trying to work towards R, but WH still can't admit that it was not just a mistake-but a choice and that he wanted it. Till then: Good Luck. I will never forgive him till he can confront himself more. I can never escape the anguish, damage, and pain this caused. He can't or should not escape looking at why he was so fucked up for doing it. I will not take being a selfish neglected AH going through a mid-life crisis as an excuse. Other than when he is forced to (2) there is NC. He is doing everything right and is working with me for R. He is sorry and remorseful. R is going well. Still hurt about what he shared with the OW.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 3:19 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Hi, hopefulmother, I'm glad you are finally telling your story. Each of our stories here are different, the the pain is the same. Just be aware that cheaters lie, and you may not have the entire story. My WH and his OW swore they only kissed in the car. I saw the emails and knew there was more, WH finally confessed. Are you able to access the texts? They may tell quite a different story...just trust your gut.

He claimed she was more carefree and made him feel good

^^^Well, of course, she is carefree, she's not at home raising kids, being a taxi driver, homemaker, cook, nurse, and all the other roles taken on by a mom.

Are they still working together? Not good if there is any hope of R.

I don't think my WH looked at OW as a bad person initially until the consequences set in and he began to understand the manipulative whore she was.

Are you looking into individual counseling for yourself? What is he doing...counseling, transparency, accountability?

(((hopefulmother))),

You have been heard!

It amazes me that he stuck you in a place without your own social group and emotional supports, then blames YOU for "changing"- essentially saying it was your fault? He is a big boy, Right? Making his own big boy decisions in life. He is the cause of his A, and no-one else. His thinking cap is apparently stuck up his butt!

I'm so glad you joined us. And I know you will find the support that you need here.

(((Hugs)))

If he's not in IC I don't see much of a chance for you guys. I'm sorry. But he has no remorse. He has no regrets. Which generally means, he'll do it again. And if it truly was not a PA, the next one will be.

My best bet, unless you've actually seen and read the texts, there was at least some physical. 1200 texts are not just friends or general conversation.

Also the BF is not a friend of your marriage. He needs to drop him like a hot potato. It's a consequence for the affair.

Do he and the OW still work together? If so, there's another reason it will be extremely difficult to reconcile. One of them needs to change jobs. Now.

((hugs))

Thanks guys. The BF was a women too, who also liked my H. My H broke off the A on the day I found out. I confronted him about it after reading some of the texts that day. I was so lucky in that I saw them that day. At that point he was confessing his emotional connection/attachment to her. And asking her if she felt the same way. If so, they needed to stop. He is married. So, I know nothing PA happened up to that point. It was sickening, like some love-struck grade school children passing around a note saying check the box if you like me. It really bothers me that if he knew it needed to stop, why did he have to find out how she really felt about him. For awhile I wondered if he was fishing for her to say she wanted to stay with him and he would have continued it. I have been going to IC since the day after I found out. He went to a couple of apps with me, but not real MC. He has now finally agreed to IC and he will have an app next week. Reading stuff on here makes me realize there is more to his excuses and that he needs to fix himself so it never happens again. Like all of you, regardless of the R. It just hurts that he has this passion/infatuation/lust for another women. He says he feels nothing now. But, after the affair I just don't believe him. How do you not feel that way about someone you were willing to risk your marriage for. He killed our innocence in our marriage. What made it special and sacred. He shared "us" with some other women. He did finally break off all contact not work related with the BF and blocked her on FB. My husband was my Bf for 8yrs. He chased me and never gave me cause to be concerned about other women. We were together for 12 yrs after before this other women came into our lives. He never once mentioned or looked at another women, no porn, no magazines, no internet, etc. Then out of the blue. Non-stop texting with his cashier. At that point I had to question if she was his soul-mate or whatever. Was she more compatible? Am I keeping him away from someone he really should be with and will be looking back at with regret and resent me for it? Until then he was a good husband too. It does make it harder.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 5:57 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]