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I am WW and in the process of digging and working on myself have opened the box on my past sexual abuse. I have compartmentalized my history to a point that I hadn't thought about any of it for 15 years or more. I still am having a hard time calling it what it was and have not been able to actually associate my self with it. Almost like it happened to someone else. New memories are starting to come up and I find myself very anxious.

Even prior to my A, I have been very uncomfortable telling my H "no" when it came to sex. Many times when I would say no, he would be irritated and make it obvious with the cold shoulder and being very short with me. Most times I would not want to but do it anyway to keep him happy. I would feel used, worthless and dirty. There have been times when I did actually want it, but not very often.

I always felt that I shouldn't have those feelings of being used and dirty with my H, but since I didn't acknowledge my past abuse, hadn't put the pieces together. Now that I have begun to peel back the layers on my past, all of those feelings are amplified.

BH's primary love language is physical touch and he says he receives love through physical intimacy and feels rejected when I say no. We are not in a sexless marriage (2-4 times per week). We do have "quickies", but have been told that they don't count as intimacy. We have had arguements about it. We have had 2 arguements where I was feeling guilty and horrible for my choice to have an A. He wanted to have sex. He ended up yelling at me while I was balling that he wanted sex and needs are not being met. I want to meet his needs but I feel so much pressure and feel used. When BH asks if we can have sex later that evening, my anxiety sky rockets, and I feel scared.

So that's where we're at. He's not getting his needs met and I have anxiety over having sex. BH feels like he can't even ask me for sex. We are both in IC and MC. I know it will take time for us to work through the A and M issues and me time to work through my abuse issues. I am scared that I won't figure my crap out in time and he doesn't know if he has it in him to deal with all this. How do we find the balance?

Thank you for reading, and your thoughts

[This message edited by Lulu38 at 3:12 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

I'm a BH. If it'll help, you can tell your H I say a quickie with one's W can be very intimate.

My W freaked out a lot about sex throughout her life, which was always tough on me, since touch is my primary LL, and my W turns me on just by being around.

On D-Day my W's IC saw us together, and sex was a topic of that initial meeting. MC & I came up with this: if I wanted sex and my W was on the fence, she should probably say 'yes', but if she realized/desired to stop in the middle, I would honor her decision. If she really didn't want sex, she should say 'no'.

IMO, you should go more than half-way, but if not having sex at a particular time is healthy for you, you should be able to say 'no' with no hard feelings. Maybe you can use an MC session to learn that 'no' isn't a total rejection.

BTW, my W never stopped once we started, but I have. Sometimes I realized I was so mad that I won't go on.

Good luck!

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:30 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Are the "quickies" in addition to the 2-4 times a week or in that count? Because frankly I could go 2-4 times a day if my wife didn't run screaming from the suggestion and 2-4 a week is our happy medium.

I think that it's normal to feel rejected the way he is, but he has to be willing to meet you halfway. Balance is achieved by both parties finding a place they can be comfortable in.

If he doesn't feel the quickies count as intimacy then that's his to define, but he also has to realize that shouting you into submission is dominance, not intimacy so letting his anger control him there isn't going to get him what he wants, either.

When you feel anxious when he asks, tell him how you feel. Try to tell him so he can understand it's not about how you feel about him, it's about how you feel about yourself. This really sounds like something that MC would be the place to work it out.

BS here and I don't know your story. Did you have sex with the OM?

Maybe it would help to color it with reality...sometimes there is no tomorrow...or next week...and when that rare thing happens...we all wish we would have done or said something "more"...

"if we had only known"

So...what if that next opportunity was truely the last one...wouldnt you want to make love just one more time?...to know you were able to share that intimate time with your spouse?

(((Lulu)))

You have been traumatized by your past and I'm glad you're working through those issues in IC. Nobody should be bullied or guilted into having sex.

Keep working through it and in time, the scars from your past abuse will heal. In the meantime, keep talking to your H about your feelings. Talk about it in MC if that would be easier.

How frequent was sex before the A?

As a BS I get a lot of reassurance and validation through sex post DDay with my WS.

Could he be looking for a connection with you? Sex and intimacy are not the same thing. He may need to define what it is he really wants, more sex? Better sex? Or a better emotional connection?

As a survivor of sexual abuse I needed to separate the past from the present. Sometimes during sex I've had to take a reality check. Sex has triggered the memories of the sexual abuse but when that happens I have to remind myself that the sex I'm having now is not part of the abuse, that I have sex with my WS willingly.