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I remember how I use to treat my wife, like she was the princess of my dreams. The shame is after 28 years together I didn't confront her with things that bothered me so I went to a hkr for satisfaction. My wife is any mans dream, "Really" not only is she beautiful but she has a kind heart. I know she needs time one way or the other. But I will not ever forget what I did to her. EVER! She is a god send staying with me and talking this through. She deserves better then me! I am just so mad at myself and will do anything for her. I should have done that before.

[This message edited by hurtmywife27 at 7:50 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

What was bothering you? and why did you not feel you could talk to your BW about it?

It was mainly related to the intimacy in our marriage. I have on an emotional roller-coaster. My wife is my BF and I usually can talk about anything but sex, since my second son was born 22 years ago our sex life was going down hill. first 1 week, then 3 weeks then 3 months and now 6 months. I am very unsecure when it comes to this. I am a great talker and people like me. But I have a problem with my looks. I am bald, 5ft6" false teeth and 59 years old. My wife is drop dead beautiful "Literally" 45 years old and the nicest personality in the world, she can leave me tomorrow and get anyone in the world she is that pretty outside and in. In 2006 I searched the friends finder sight "Never acted on it" 2007 I was top hi performance dealer in the country then in 2010 lost my job as GM the marina shut down. Then unemployed for over 6 months, I was never unemployed in my life. 2011 I had to file BR and that was hard. taking a job I hated 1.25 ride from my house, selling my sports car and getting an econo box for the commute to save the money, I am not making more the 1/2 the salary. Then in Oct I acted after posting on Graigslist and Backpage for a HVAC tech that I needed for winter months. I discovered the site and hired a H for a BJ in my car, I did it 2 times and was heading for a 3rd when D-D happened she found the text. In my stupid mind I felt I did nothing wrong because it wasn't actual sex and I have or had any feelings for this H. I found this easier then talking to my BS.. Now I Am The Fool and I can't be any more sorry for what I did, the only thing I could wish for is my BS forgives me. I know she will never forget nor will I. I Love Her!

Was there ever a time when you felt equal with your BW in the beautiful inside and out category? She's been with you for a very long time. Were you never comfortable with the idea that she actually loved you for you? Women seem to not be as much about looks as guys, and with the hits you took leading up to the A's, I guess I can understand the ensuing train wreck, but how did you go from successful to losing your job (am I right that this was probably due to the economy?) to hiring a hooker? Where along that point do you think was your best chance at talking to your BW about the problems you were experiencing and why didn't you take that opportunity?

Is there a chance that your wife began to feel unattractive after the birth of your second child? What was going on back then that led to the decrease in frequency?

I can talk to my wife about anything. But the sex side. She is right in many ways, that even when BS wants a hug, My mind thinks sex and that's a turn off. The economy took my job. But Its like I am ashamed to talk about sex to her. I know she loves me but its seems something in her didn't want to make love to me and this started a long time ago. I didn't want a relationship and I didn't want an affair, but in reality I did have an affair. Even though it was only Oral for my pleasure in the long run I was only thinking of myself.

hurtmywife,

In order to even begin fixing this I think you need to work on your feelings of inadequacy. It resonates in all your posts. IMO, this is something that you really need to work on in IC. You can't love someone else well if you don't love yourself.

Also, please don't minimize! "Only Oral" is cheating. If you believe it's not 'as bad as' intercourse, you're not owning your shit.

Owning your shit is key to recovery from infidelity.