Hello everyone I hope you're all doing as well as can be expected. I thought I would give an update to get some advice. I recently sent an email to someone explaining it so I'm just going to copy and paste rather then restate the whole story apologize in advance for the typos as I use voice to text and apparently I have a speech impediment. Love and light to all.
Any help would be incredibly appreciated. I thought I hit rock bottom at the beginning of this pest but I will never think that again because things can always always get worse.
This was sent to someone who is writing a book about toxic mothers. It also gives an update as to what has happened to me in the past year or so. I wish I had good news to report. I am trying my best to stay positive and keep an upbeat attitude because I know how of a lot of attraction works and positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds negativity me but sometimes it is is damn near impossible to keep a positive outlook....
Hi I came on your site doing a Google search.
My mother would kill me if she knew I was emailing you regarding her toxicity. Not literally but she would make me pay. She is not physically abusive but it is very covertly emotionally abusive. The reason I know what that is is because of my last relationship with my ex-boyfriend he was of the same breed.
Emotional abuse disguised as being helpful.
I am actually a chapter and someone's book regarding emotional abuse. With the ex-boyfriend not the mother as I am 37 years old about to be 38 in two days and haven't lived at home since I was 19 years old.
I'll back up to when I was 15 years old. My parents had an extremely volatile relationship and faught daily.
For as long as I can remember.
They had three children of which I was the oldest and when the baby was born my youngest sister I became the parent of the male child my brother. My father is a prominent anesthesiologist and at the time my mother was a stay-at-home mom.
My early memories of her were good and I felt loved until my baby sister was born. She was a bit of a problem child and turned into a problem adult is well ending in a wicked heroin addiction that lasted years. She went into rehab for a year and came out and is finally better and married and happy.
I however feel stuck in the summer that we discovered she was an addict. You see that same summer is when I discovered my abusive ex-boyfriend (whom I did not know was abusive at that time) had cheated on me and I left him. So not only was I dealing with the effects of having a family member being an addict but I was also dealing with the loss of love as I loved this man very very much.
I actually ended up taking him back for months later after he begged and begged. He was my first real relationship and my first real love and I didn't think I could find anything close to that so I stuck around thinking that was the best that life has in store for me and that nothing was perfect and all relationships have their ups and downs.
Since this is not about him I will make this quick it took me five years to realize what kind of relationship we had. He fit the profile of an emotional to a T. I am a smart educated woman and I never thought someone who I deemed less intelligent than me was capable of pulling the wool over my eyes especially since I had been the victim of both physical and mental abuse from my parents since early childhood.
Once I smartened up and realized what we had I left him and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done it is been two years since I've left him and I am still suffering from the aftereffects. I have no desire to date whatsoever. I suffer from PTSD. And A host of other things.
I lost all of my friends during that relationship as well because he presented himself quite nicely. He was very likable and charming very good looking very successful. He was a master at looking like the sane one and making me look like the crazy one. Which is crazy making in and of itself.
Anyway I have been out of that relationship for two years but like I said still suffering from that and from the summer that we discovered that my baby sister was a heroin addict. Stuck in the summer of 2010. Everyone else who is suffering in my family at that time seems to have moved on and healed except for me.
It all seemed to come to ahead in March of last year. It was the night of my baby sisters wedding the very one who was an addict. It was just one year after she was out of rehab and she was already getting married and she is eight years my junior. I was dating my ex at the time and I didn't even want him to come to the wedding. I had many reasons for that.
What I wasn't expecting was that night I decided that he was never going to ask me to marry him because I was never going to live up to his expectations so I ended things. It was two or three weeks later when I discovered that we were in a volatile toxic an abusive relationship. I am immersed myself in books self-help books about a mental abuse and read them over and over and over again. Every time I felt weak like I had abandoned him I would read one to strengthen my resolve.
During this. And even before I had left him I lost all of my friends. The best way I can describe it is that I knew something was very wrong but I had no idea how to articulate it so I just retreated into my own world. I never met my friends out or answered the phone or reply to an email or text message. For the first four months after our break up I wasn't even mad at my friends for not being there.
I thought I deserved it because I had been a bad friend and because we had broken up hundreds of times and gotten back together and I could understand how they might not take me seriously.
But after the fifth month I began to get angry with my friends for not being there and I cut them all off. They are all still friends with my ex by the way.
This will come full-circle to my mother I promise 😊
In the months and years that followed our break up I suffered so much grief and guilt for abandoning him as I went radio silent and ignored all of his pleas to talk. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and the meanest thing I've ever done.
Slowly in my life started falling apart. My work had started to become affected by year two of our relationship. By the time our relationship was over I was basically useless at work and they were beginning to take notice. But instead of being understanding about it inexplicably they started to be abusive as well. They were all men of course. They used the same methods he did passive aggressiveness patronizing rewriting history turning tables etc.
I went from going crazy to bat shit crazy. I became under intense scrutiny he with some c level management. Had to present weekly to three of my managers. This went on for months and I cried at the end of every meeting sometimes during the meeting.
Eventually they try to place me on a performance improvement plan. Things have gotten so bad for me but I was incapable of working and I eventually just quit my job before they fired me. Two weeks before I quit my job I totaled my bought brand-new and totally paid for Mercedes-Benz. Two weeks after I quit I had an apartment fire and lost everything I owned.
The apartment fire happened on Christmas morning which I was spending alone. While this entire process was happening I slowly became a hermit with no friends, no relationship with my family, no life. I barely left the house. I stopped putting on make up which was something I rather enjoyed I stopped doing my hair and caring about my appearance I stopped brushing my teeth and taking care of myself in general. I stopped answering the phone I even stopped opening the mail.
I never had a good relationship with my father. It started early on as a child when he would take his aggressions out on me. When I was older and became independent he couldn't control me in that manner anymore so we just had no relationship. I had somewhat of a relationship with my mother especially during my sisters addiction. I felt it was my duty as a daughter to be there for her as she was taking this very hard.
I'll also mention here that she is morbidly obese. Like two or 300 pounds over obese. Like close to being completely immobile obese. I expect a phone call to come at any time to tell me that she has suffered a heart attack and died.
On Christmas morning when my apartment caught fire the sprinkler system came on with a vengeance and did most of the damage to my apartment and the one below it. Nothing survived except for myself and my dog. I went to the emergency room without socks or shoes and the only dry rub I could find without a tie and a pair of pants that wouldn't stay on unless I was holding them up.
When I tried to call my parents to come get me because they live three hours away I called my mother because her number was the only phone number I memorized (I lost my phone in the fire as well). I try to explain to her what happened and asked her to come and get me and she told me that she couldn't because she was afraid that she would suffer a heart attack because this was too much for her to handle and she gave me my father's number.
I tried my best to remember it and called it a few times but it was busy. I called my mother back a few times and it was busy as well so I just gave up and began to weep uncontrollably and my hospital room. The chaplain came in and asked if I had any boyfriends her ex-boyfriend's to call upon and my abusive ex-boyfriend came to mind because his number is really easy so I decided to give it a try.
Mind you this is my worst nightmare because he is now dating miss United States 2010 who is 10 years my junior. Having your ex trade up like that is not for the faint of heart let me tell you. And having to call him soaking wet amd at my worst was just completely mortifying. Especially after not seeing or speaking for almost 2 years.
Luckily he answered the phone and he did come and pick me up and let me stay at his house. His girlfriend had gone home for the holidays and things are not going well for them not surprisingly.
Within hours his abuse started again. But I was so broke and it didn't even affect me. I agreed with all the horrible things he said about me and begged him to kill me maybe 100 times. I asked him if his sisters could take care of my dog because I do think they are nice girls and would give him a good life.
Within a few days I realize I can't stay at his house forever and even though I am very resentful at my parents for not coming to get me in my time of need I realize I have no other choice. So I drive three hours to see my father on his birthday. He wasn't there when I got there just my stepmother. Because I worked for the phone company I wasn't able to get a phone replacement which is a long and an interesting story but suffice to say that I went a solid week without a phone and that alone is crazy making.
I would have to borrow my exes phone and when I got to my fathers house I borrowed my stepmother's phone. While I'm using her phone I see a text come in for my half-sister that didn't sound right it's at something to the effective don't talk to me so I clicked on it to see what that was about.
My stepmother knew that I was using her phone and had texted her daughter my half-sister and told her not to text her and my half-sister was responding sarcastically.
I got extremely angry about that and went to text my mother who lives in the same city to tell her I was coming and to get her address because I didn't know it. When I clicked on my mothers name another conversation history between my step mother and my mother showed up and it painted me in a negative light. That's an even longer story then I won't burden you with but suffice to say that it was enough to make me leave the town and immediately go back to my abusive ex-boyfriend's house.
That is when my parents and my ex-boyfriend began speaking. True to form he had them completely wrapped around his finger. Filling their head with lies. Making himself out to be some kind of hero and believe me I'm leaving some major stuff out about what he did to me while I was there or what he said to me rather. And also what he didn't say the very things I begged to hear time and time again because one of my biggest fears is imposing and if I knew that he was counting down the hours until I left I would've rather slept in the car or under bridge.
He spoke to everyone my father my mother my stepmother my siblings all without my knowledge. I found this out much later.
Ahain realizing that I couldn't stay with him forever, I knew I had to make a choice. So I drove back to my mothers house to stay for good.
This was always the plan after I quit my job. I was burned out and I had worked nonstop since I was 17 years old full-time and went to school full-time as well I never had more than two weeks off and a 20 year period. Not to mention the fact that my management was being horrible to me. I tried to speak to HR about it but it was clear after two conversations that her opinions had already been informed and there was nothing I could say or do to change them and she was actually the final straw that made me quit that job.
Literally the first thing my mother said to me when I walked in her house was how much my ex really love to me still to this day and how he was such a good guy. It completely took the wind out of my sails.
I knew right then he had gotten to them just like he had gotten to everyone else and made me out to be the villain and him out to be the Saint.
But I was too traumatized by all of the events to really care that much at the time.
But as I was saying before when I quit that job in early December or mid December, The plan was to stay at my mothers house.
This plan made me very uneasy because my mother and I could not get through a single phone conversation without arguing. Not one single conversation. She would always criticize everything I did particularly around money and finances. Mind you the only reason she has money is because she married rich and is still getting alimony and only managed to hold the job for a few years and it was a teaching job.
Nothing against teachers it is a very noble profession but I was pulling in six figures for 20 years. But somehow she managed to make me feel bad about how I spent my money. How I didn't appreciate the job I had when it was literally killing me and breaking my spirit. I had become so knowledgeable about emotional abuse after reading 20 books on the subject that. I was able to detect it instantly when it was happening in the workplace and it would literally trigger me since I was also suffering from PTSD.
It was not something I did on purpose it was like the universe forced me to quit that job. The true to form an much like it was in my younger years and my parents always took the side of the authoritative figure teachers when I was younger and bosses when I got older. Never once did they asked me what happened with the job they just assumed that it was my doing and had nothing to do with my management. Even though I have both written and verbal proof stating otherwise they have never asked to hear it or see it nor will they even if I try to force them to hear it.
I don't know why am saying them because I'm only speaking about my mother. On New Year's eve the day I had gotten to my mothers house for the first time since the fire on Christmas Day my father called my mother and insisted I read a card from my grandmother in Spain.
I can't read her handwriting so my mother read it to me. The letter broke my heart. She was very upset with me at what I had done to my father. It kept saying over and over again what are you doing to your father what are you doing to your father. I was overwhelmed with grief and anger. How could he turn things around and make this out to be my fault. What daughter doesn't want a relationship with her parents.
When I see a relationship that isn't good between a parent and a child I have seen the parent is at fault. Not the child.
But somehow he convinced his mother otherwise. I am immediately sent him a text telling him of my displeasure and wondering why you felt the need to taint everyone's opinion of me. After all I don't have much family in the states the majority of my family is in Spain and after reading that letter it was apparent to me that everyone was upset and angry with me for the way I have treated my father.
I don't know how to articulate how that feels to be accused of the very crime that was committed to you.
I sent him a text immediately saying as much and telling him that it made me feel horrible. He responded with some insults and some name-calling. No doubt was drinking because it was new years eve and he is a prolific drinker.
When I am in tact some times I am able to speak words that hurt because I learned from the best of them. I never ever draw first blood but when attacked I am able to cut a major artery. I told him that name-calling was a sign of ignorance and stupidity me and lack of education.
He immediately calls my mother and she does not know how to use her cell phone while it is not on speaker so I was able to hear everything he said. My mother even try to stop in midsentence and tell him he was on speakerphone but he was so angry he didn't hear it or didn't care or didn't remember.
He said I was a sick puppy and that I was dead to him. I screamed across the room thank you for finally admitting it because I've known that my whole life but I needed to hear him say that.
We have not spoken since the fire.
Since then I have lived with my mother and we have our good days and bad days with the bad days out numbering the good ones. As I stated earlier one on my worst fears is imposition and that is exactly how I felt at my mothers house like I was a huge imposition. That she didn't want me there. And I didn't have anywhere else to go so I spent my day is being very depressed and down right despondent. Some days I'd be completely silent and other days we argue like there was no tomorrow.
Many of our arguments were her telling me that I needed to seek psychiatric help because I was paranoid potentially schizophrenic.
I took great exception to this. I did not disagree that I needed to seek help but not because I have some kind of terminal mental condition. I think I reacted the way any sane person would react given the situation and all of the tragedies that happen in such a short amount of time.
I felt I had zero empathy from her. And I watched how she was with my sister when she went through this horrible heroin addiction and she had much more empathy and kindness and even respect for her and she did for me and I did nothing criminal or half as bad as some of the things she did
From both of my parents even though they aren't together I feel I am unwanted by both of them. And imposition being my biggest fear I have been literally living my own worst nightmare.
I honestly don't know how I am still walking and talking right now. Frankly if it weren't for my dog I don't think I would be.
Anyway on Monday I woke up and it seem like it was going to be an okay day. I sat on the couch in the morning as I always do and she was there drinking her coffee we had a few conversations about this and that nothing serious and then all of a sudden this looks came over her
These looks can hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't even need her to open her mouth to know what her married or feelings are. I feel them so strongly it's as if they are my own.
On many occasions I've tried to address these feelings in a mature way to figure out a solution or something I could be doing differently and time after time she denies that I am correct and ask like I am crazy for thinking such things which just corroborates her story that there is something wrong with me mentally
But without fail hours or days later it would come true that she was in fact upset about this or that.
I have tried to explain myself to her so many times that I am an extremely sensitive and empathetic person and I hate the word sensitive because it denotes weakness but the truth is you have to be tough as nails to be as sensitive as I am because not only have your own emotions to deal with but you have every person in the rooms emotions and then your family members emotions as well whether they are in the room or across the city.
Being this sensitive I am able to gauge her maids the minute she opens her bedroom door. Or just buy a look on her face. After we are exchanging conversation about Mundane and things she gets a look on her eye. She actually turned off the TV as well.
I immediately know what is coming
I had been sensing that she had been talking to my father and my stepmother without my knowledge because when she does she comes at me very forcefully and tells me to seek psychiatric help and tells me that I show all of the signs of being paranoid and delusional and that the number one sign of being paranoid is believing you were bullied at work.
She starts in with us and I tell her that I just can't talk about it right now she says that it's her house and she will talk about whatever she pleases.
And I said it's fine but it's my brain and I can choose to listen or not listen.
She goes on to tell me that I need help in a major way and that I am sick mentally and major need of help. I sarcastically tell her that yes I am in major need of mental help because my parents and the way they treat me. The rest of my mental reactions are completely normal reactions to losing your job your car and your home within a 30 day period.
I can't recall exactly what happens next but I walked outside on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and to walk away from the situation as I'm walking out I hear her call me an idiot.
I tell her what I told my father that you know what they say about people who resort to name calling. It is because the other party has made a good point and that there is no come back and it is a sign of a lack of intelligence and the proverbial shooting of a bird when someone makes a good point.
She then says that's it get the fuck out. I threw my cigarette down and I began putting all of my things in my car and getting the fuck out as she told me. I had to make a few trips and it didn't go as quickly as I wanted.
It took me about 15 minutes to get out and towards the tail end she tells me to stop. And I said no you told me to get the fuck out. She said she said it because she was mad.
But I have been telling her almost daily that I don't feel welcome there and that was just proof positive that I was not welcome there and I really would rather sleep on a park bench and be somewhere I'm not welcome so I continued to pack and I have not been back since.
Neither her nor my stepmother nor my father nor anyone for that matter have any idea where I am or even if I am alive. They no I am in the city I don't know with people I don't know no contacts or connections and no money.
I have found a seedy hotel on the bad part of town for $50 a night and I have been staying there and it is been the most peaceful nights since the fire. My mother and my mother only has attempted to call me twice not left a message or send me a text or an email and obviously I did not answer the phone.
I don't know where I'm going with this I guess I just wanted to tell somebody. Sometimes I wish that I was dead so that I am no longer a burden or something to worry about.
I am the family scapegoat. I know they want to baker act me and to have me committed. I know I would pass the test with flying colors because my mental faculties are very much working and I have more common sense than my pinky finger then the three of them combined.
My stepmother who you only need to spend five minutes with to realize she is not playing with a full deck and her full sister is a full blown schizophrenic.
My mother who is eating herself to death and takes her 20 minutes to stand up from a chair and cannot walk up one step. She literally does nothing but sleep eat and watch TV.
And my father who was abused by his father and who abused me. While being the perfect father to his new family. My half brothers and sisters love him so much I can't stand to watch it. He is so laid-back and loving and affectionate towards them. My memories of him are if I were to spell a glass of water I can expect to get slapped in the face for it. Or if I got sick it would anger him intense intense anger to the point where I was always suppressing my coughs and coughing into a pillow.
These are the people that are questioning my sanity and they are the reason if I am insane. Which I still maintain I am not and I am actually quite impressed with myself that I am still walking and talking and functioning after not one but three major tragedies happening within a calendar month.
And then to not have any support or empathy on top of that and have them take the side of my abusive ex-boyfriend. I'm literally ready to break.
The money is going to run out eventually and I don't know what I'm going to do. I just have to hope a miracle is going to happen soon. Because there is no way I can live with any of them it was killing my already extremely damaged spirit.
I knew that I should look into getting jobs but I just don't feel capable of working right now. I know I should talk to someone but my cobra has been screwed up and will not be in effect for another 10 days. I know I can't stay at this hotel forever. But I don't have any friends or anyone to count on but myself. if I make it thru this I will genuinely feel that I'm one of the strongest ppl in existence.
Thank you for reading (if u r still with me) & TY for working on such an important and worthy cause. It's such a stigma to not have A loving relationship with the people who brought you into this world. And when you don't feel that there is something wrong and defective about you. Thanks for bringing these folks together.
