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Things are going better in my life but I'm still very depressed.

After the A I had to sell my business that I worked so hard for and move 1000 miles away. In less than 2 years I was able to start another business and do it full time all the while going through this mess. I'm very proud of myself for that. It took a lot of strength to do that. I am in the best physical shape of my life. I'm stronger than I've ever been and look better than I ever have. I even have a SO in my life now, something I never thought would happen again. But I'm still so sad sometimes. I have no reason to be hurting this bad still.

I think of cutting myself nearly every day. Last Saturday I got very close to doing it. Even right now I could to do it so easily and not even care. All I can think of is doing serious damage to myself (I'm not going to, it's just always on my mind). Sometimes I even think of ending it all.

I feel very alone sometimes. No one IRL really knows me (except SO). I feel like I could die and no one would notice. Easter opened my eyes to just how distant I am from my family. I really just feel like a hired hand.

So why do I still hurt so much? Why do I want to die sometimes? Sometimes I feel like I will never get through this and be the old me again. I'm still so broken and depressed. Sometimes I just want to push everyone away and isolate myself from the whole world. I'm fighting through stuff and trying to make myself do uncomfortable things but it all seems so forced and fake.

How do you shake this depression and hurt? Does it ever really go away?

(((myname)))

i posted this a couple of days ago for people asking just this question. i don't know if it will help or not.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=491708

i've been a cutter & harmer and pretty damn self-destructive at times in my life. without DD4 (who was 10 months old on dday) i don't know where i'd be right now, i really don't.

you do sound like you are still in some throes of the agony.

I have no reason to be hurting this bad still.

who says? i still hurt. i'm remarried to mr awesome and my life is logistically pretty easy. i'm starting to follow my dreams for real, getting into the best shape of my life...and i still feel the cloud, less than you, much less than before, but it's not gone, not nearly. my meds help...other things help more...none of it works without copious amounts of freakin' time.

you and i aren't all that far apart in our recovery. it can and does still get better. find some hope in that...that this sadness will not stay this intense forever. you are doing good things for yourself. you can make it.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:14 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Did you ever go thru with the counseling? You have some pretty severe depression and you really should be monitored by a counselor who can help you work thru this and even put you on some meds temporarily if needed.

It is great that you aren't cutting right now, but you are white-knuckling it and that takes a lot of psychic energy.

You have a lot to be proud of and to look forward to. It is normal to have some left-over sadness and moments of depression and anger/fear/etc....

But the self-harm really needs to be monitored and worked thru. (((hugs)))

A lot of what we feel is motivated by chemical impulses in our brains. Experiences in our lives cause or create those impulses, but our brains also respond by habit. Your brain is very conditioned toward sadness right now, even though there aren't new experiences in your life creating sad impulses, so those same chemicals keep flooding your system.

There are a few ways to combat this. For me, cognitive behavioral therapy helped a lot. CBT teaches you to over ride the habits your brain has established and create new ones with reinforced thinking. I recommended a book to you a very long time ago that is based on CBT, but a really good CBT trained couselor would be more effective in helping you.

For some people, the effects of years of negative reinforcement are too strong to overcome by reinforced thinking alone. For those people, medication is often recommended. I know medication is not an option you want to explore, but please don't check out on the rest of my post. Because the problem is chemical in nature to begin with, ADs are designed to re introduce positive chemicals to the brain, the chemicals that trigger more preferable emotions. For some people, they have to be taken long term.

However, there are many, many people with situational depression who are able to pair short term drug use (i.e. a few years, not the rest of your life) with therapy to jump start their brains into learning the right habits again. Kind of like jump starting the battery to a car ... But with your brain.

Personally, I think its pretty amazing that science is even capable of that.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 5:59 AM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

(((Myname)))

It just hurts. I'm almost eight years out, and of course I'm pretty much "healed," that is to say that I function fine, have a good life, lots of love, etc., etc., etc.

But I think the wound was so primal, so deep, that the scar will give me occasional pain (on rainy days, metaphorically speaking) for the rest of my life. I take it as natural. I think the advice to get some help Ifrom therapy/whatever works) is spot on. But mostly I'd say that what you're feeling is a natural result of the trauma of betrayal and the subsequent feelings of rejection and abandonment (which often AREN'T facts, since the betrayers are usually just broken/warped/lost people ... but are just feelings.

(Am I making any sense here? Agh!)

Anyway, you KNOW you're not alone in this. We SIers get it!

Depression isn't something you can will yourself out of anymore than you could will yourself out of diabetes.

Are you in therapy? Have you tried meds? The urge to self-harm didn't just appear after DD did it?

You have a coping mechanism that is toxic to you. One of the things that might help is to look at that coping mechanism - where it comes from and work on how you can replace it with a healthy coping mechanism.

Lots of people I love have depression. They are whole, full, loving, wonderful people. The ones that struggle the most are those who try to 'behaviour' their way out of it. IMO behaviour plays its part but the root cause can be chemical. There's no behaviour that can change that other than therapy and/or meds.

Sending you strength friend.

I'm 5 years out from the D, and it's still there. It's a dulled pain, but still there.

I've been told that this experience has caused me to be hardened, but I prefer to think of it as "tempered", as in "made stronger by heat".

It does get better. Eventually.

after reading through your profile and having read your posts over time, i have to wholeheartedly agree with ama. i've been concerned about you all along, as have most of us, i'm sure.

self-injury as a coping mechanism is addictive. once it's a pattern, it's not a "will-power" problem, it's a brain training problem. in that regard, you can back away from self-injury and it will get easier over time. JUST like cocaine, the longer you can go between "use" the lighter the cravings will get. that's true for the self-harm habit that is one portion of the problems you face right now.

however, the thoughts, feelings and behaviors you describe are suggestive of a deep and dangerous depression. this depression is separate from the self-harm. some of it is frm the A & D, most all of it triggered by those events...but the depth of it is likely just a vulnerability in your brain of which you were previously unaware. the self-harm is just a way to change the depression chemistry that is torturing you so. you ARE taking a "drug" for depression...you are making it right in your own brain and the dealer is your pain response. you are using your central nervous system to alter the balance of chemicals in your brain when you feel like crap. you haven't been able to "will" your way out of the moods, you just endure them or change them by hurting yourself.

it's no different than taking harmful or illegal drugs. are you afraid that medications will screw you up worse or dull the "real you"? well, does drinking or doing drugs screw you up worse? do they keep "the real you" present? do they represent the strong will of a strong mind muscling through it? next question - does the self-harm screw you up worse? does it inspire confidence and paint a picture of the "unaltered you" who should be able to work their way out of this? are the embarrassing scars really all that different from the track marks of a junky who started using after life handed them a low blow?

no matter how you look at this, if you are cutting, you are using drugs to manipulate your chemistry. so why is it such a leap to think that another drug might help you cope and even start to recover? a drug that is measured and tested, provided by someone qualified to monitor it's effects on you, that can be adjusted, changed or eliminated in sound ways if they don't serve you. these drugs effects the exact same nervous system, the exact same chemical receptors and and the same neurotransmitters that are affected every time you cut yourself. maybe you should let one of them do the job of changing the chemistry in ways that at least MIGHT be helpful.

and if not drugs, then ama is also right about the CBT. read about it on your own first if that makes you comfortable. also if you need to look into relieving some PTSD without talk therapy, you could try some EMDR, which has been really effective for many people.

there are so many things you haven't tried yet...don't give up looking for the little jumpstart you need to get out of this post A & D trend. you could really use the help. you can be too proud, you can be too scared....or you can try something new. ETA: these are the things that you can continue to do for yourself to make the progress described in the link i sent you. it's these things you do for yourself that pull you out of this hole completely. i'm still doing them.

i wish you all the best luck. i feel for you, i really do.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:27 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

I suffered from depression long before infidelity affected my life. I tried many different medications and white knuckled through some non-medicated periods.

The bottom line for me is that my life is SO MUCH better when I'm on the right medication. It doesn't change who I am, it just lets me live and appreciate the great things in my life.

When XWH had his A, I started therapy and increased the medication. I had suicidal thoughts - I was a mess. But through therapy (including EMDR)I found my way out to the other side. My medication has been reduced, but I have been told that I will probably have to stay on it for life.

And that's ok for me. I hate how depression affects my life. It's not just "normal" down days or even situational. It is something that affects the quality of my life to such a degree that at times (when not medicated) I can't cope with every day life issues.

Give it some thought. It might be the thing that gets you back on track.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Myname, you have gotten good loving concerned thoughtful and well-worded advice from the posters above. We care, we really do.

I am going to be more blunt.

Go to the goddam doctor. Just go.

Ask for a trial of antidepressants. Yes. Medication for the hurt.

It has changed my life. It might change yours too.

Hugs and much love, kk

Did you ever go thru with the counseling?

I have my first appointment on Monday but that will be another post for another day. Needless to say, I'm freaking out about going.

I know the self harm thing is going to have to be discussed with an IC at some point. Even if I am able to stop completely on my own, I will still have to talk about it with IC.

The urge to self-harm didn't just appear after DD did it?

It did just start after D-day. I never even heard of self harm until I had been doing it for almost 6 months. I didn't know what I was doing or why. I just knew that I had so much hate, anger, frustration, pain, depression... Well you get the point. I just wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to die. It's embarrassing to say that I am probably one of the very few people in this world that didn't start cutting until they were an adult.

I know what you are all saying about taking meds. I'm just so stubborn about it. I really don't want to still, even if it was a guaranty to help. I guess I've kind of resigned to accept the fact that I will never fully recover from this and that I will never be the best me that I can be. And I know it is my choice to be this way. There are options and avenues that I'm refusing to try.

about taking meds. I'm just so stubborn about it. I really don't want to still, even if it was a guaranty to help.

Why?

I know that's kind of an inane question, but can you articulate why? I feel like a lot of times when I get stubborn about something like this, it's irrational and working through the "why" helps me let go of what I need to and hang onto what I need to.

Can we help you get to the root of why you are refusing to try?

I won't accept that the "best you can be" is someone who wants to hurt himself. You're not a bad person, we're just scared for you sometimes.

So indulge me - is it the taking meds itself? The going to the doctor's office? Having to talk about everything that's happened with a stranger.

This seems to fall in line with social anxiety, and you've proven that you can overcome certain situations just by giving yourself a push.

I'm not trying to force the medication down your throat. I have bailed on several long-term antidepressant prescriptions because I was scared of what they were going to do to me... if they were going to change my brain or something. I got over it when I had DD and had to be responsible for a life other than my own, and I was amazed at the difference. There are several that are short-term options so the plan is for you to use them to help restore your brain chemistry and then you ease off of them.

Anywho, we'll be here anytime the dark thoughts creep up, but we'd rather help you banish them.

(((Myname)))

PS - If I sent Zoloft laced cupcakes would that help?

I don't know if I can say entirely why I refuse to take meds. But part of it is that I tend to be the person that gets all the side affects of stuff. I rarely even take cold meds or pain meds for headaches/body aches. I don't like how I feel when I take meds.

The going to the doctor's office? Having to talk about everything that's happened with a stranger.

I hadn't even gotten that far with it in my head but yeah that would be another MAJOR issue for me on taking meds.

So the first step is to identify the issue. The second step is to find a way to cleverly circumvent the issue. I have to trick myself to go to the doctor - honestly. I call it the "zucchini bread" method.

I don't know if I can say entirely why I refuse to take meds.

Think long and hard about this. Figure it out. Seriously.

So often, just getting to the root of something is a big step in working through or around it. So figure out your "why" and then go forward from there.

I feel very alone sometimes ...

Your not, you have SO, us and others that someday I hope you let them fully embrace you and show you how much they care ...

No one IRL really knows me (except SO). I feel like I could die and no one would notice.

See above quote ...

Easter opened my eyes to just how distant I am from my family. I really just feel like a hired hand.

Reach out to them ... I get the feeling (I really don't know, of course, assuming) ... I think they love you and want to help you more than you think they do ... I really do, I think they love you and only want the best for you ...

Call your SO ... You trust her lean on her let her help you ... Let her be there for you ... If she didn't want to she would not be your SO ...

Time myname ... Just time ... and everyone is on a different schedule ... no one knows the stops, or when the ride will end ... we just hang on and wait ...

I have to trick myself to go to the doctor - honestly. I call it the "zucchini bread" method.

The "zucchini bread" method? Care to expound on that?

I don't know if I can say entirely why I refuse to take meds.

Think long and hard about this. Figure it out. Seriously.

I will. I wasn't trying to give a cop out answer by saying "I don't know" but I really will think about why it is I'm so resistant to meds.

BB: I do lean on SO a lot. I call or text her just to vent sometimes or if I'm having issues and need help. She is someone I feel I can, dare I say, t-t-t-t-trust. It's really nice to have someone IRL to talk to.

I'm not as far out as you and it concerns me that it will last as long as you have right now. No the pain isn't gone. To me it's become one of those things I'm going to have to live with I suppose. Like a nagging toothache that just won't go away. I'm not taking meds either, nor will I ever again. It was the worst experience of my life and I tried three different ones. I'm not experimenting with them anymore. Coming off them was too scary. While others may disagree with me (and that's fine...to each his own) I kind of came to the conclusion that all they were doing was masking what I had to get through emotionally. It's kind of like what my doctor told me when I pulled a muscle playing sports and he gave me prescription pain relievers. He said.."Don't take them before you play or otherwise you're only masking the pain and the problem...pain is your body's way of telling you something is wrong. And by taking them prior you will wind up hurting yourself more because you aren't recognizing the pain." I guess there's some truth to that in a way about emotions too. Two to five years...sigh.

I went through the suicidal thoughts, etc. Still do some days. I'm not sure how I got through it. But I do refuse to let it halt my life. I dated some women and I learned a lot. I know there's good people out there. I also know that it's going to take a long time to find the "right" person for me. Right now I'm going through one of those "nobody wants me" weeks. It's very depressing. All I want to do is sleep. I know it's depression.