SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have lurked before, but came back to the site about 2 weeks ago due to finally being ready to date again and wanted to share my story with the hope it might help someone else as much as this site has helped me. I will try and get all the initials right, but doubt I can remember them all.

I was a single 36 year old when I met my now EXW. I had a great life, very succesful real estate company, house and boat at the beach. Was casually dating at the time and bam...got swept off my feet. While she was 6months removed from a divorce from her 1st husband, I allowed her looks and her showering me with attention and gifts to cause me to overlook alot of things. Due to how badly her first marriage ended, I had suggested that she and I attend CC together to help us both sort through issues and go into our marriage with a clean slate..She stopped going after 3 sessions. It bothered me a little, but I let it slide....Little did I know I was being persued by a predator.

We dated for 1.5 years before getting married.Got married in Aug 2006. She had two small children and it was a ready made fmaily for me. I admit to allowing my heart and sex into making some very bad financial decisions. Most of our problems early on stemmed from the constant drama between her 1st husband and her. They were constantly in court fighting over money..She had done a great job convincing me that 1st husband was physically, verbally and sexually abusive..Had an affair on her etc..In case you have not figured it out, I had been captured by a narcissist and what a web she spun. Shortly after convincing me to buy a $700k house for us to live in, things changed...but they were small things and very hard to see. She started to drink alot and had developed a network of gfs that all were having problems in their marriage. It was common for me to come home from work and find a group of them drunk on wine at 5pm with kids running around not being watched. I went from being "a hero" to starting to hear comments like "lazy" he is a "liar"...etc..It was my first experience with projection.

Things slowly got worse over the next two years..It progressed into a toxic hot and cold relationship..Bad fights, followed by great sex and promises that she would change. I still had no reason to think that she was cheating on me. But that would soon change.

Looking back I now realize that the main thing that kept this house of cards afloat was money. I was doing very well and she got $3k a month in child support from 1st husband. I paid the house and bills, so she lived a nice life and did not work..The drinking started to get worse..My mother had to drive her to pick the kids up from school bc she had gotten drunk at lunch. Some friends called me to come get her and the kids from a rest. She had gotten drunk while at dinner with the kids. Around this time in Jan/Feb 2008, my busines went under due to the housing market collapse...The big house and all the extras went down with it. We moved into a smaller but still very nice house that we rented at the time. I was busy dealing with bankruptcy and finding a job, but this is when the signs started to show. Our babysitter (college girl) shows up one night with the kids, but my exw was missing. I put the kids in the car to go get her (was tired of the humiliation of the drinking episodes but still not thinking cheating). Her car was there, but she was not...Not answering cell phone..This was about 7pm. Around 10pm I get a call from a friend of hers and she is bringing her home....Drunk does not describe it. Thank god I had put the kids to bed and they were alseep. She really offered no explanation about where she had been..When I pressed her, she phyically attacked me..It was so bad that it woke the kids up and she ended up abusing her son..This was the first time I realized my life was out of control.

Friends and fmaily started asking me what was going on, what I was going to do, etc. We had several talks...She was going to stop drinking..Blamed it all on financial stress, blah, blah..Also around this time I started noticing that she had switched from talking on her phone all the time to texting. This finally sent a red flag up. In April she wanted to go see her niece play a game (college athlete)..I was all for it and needed the break. She was gone when I got home..She had a 3 hour car ride and normally I would have gotten 3-4 calls from her...but nothing...I walked into the kitchen and saw a wine glass in the sink...The sick feeling in your stomach that you see mentioned on here all the time hit me...I called her cell...She answered. Speech was slurred. I asked her how far she was from her niece? "Oh about an hour." I said good roll yuor window down and let me hear the air coming into the car. She must have panicked bc I then heard her shoes walking on a hard surface. I knew

I will skip forward to the end of May 2009, bc all that happend up until then was more lies and denials..But I was arming myself with evidence..We live in the south, and by the end of May all the pools are open. I came home from work and saw that she and some gfs were at the neighborhood pool with the kids...I knew what that meant...Wine ! I had not told anyone about me knowing about the A...Also EXW would only admit to EA.But I had told my father about the drinking and downward spiral of our marriage. About sunset her car pulls up and the EXW takes one step out of the car and falls in the front yard. She is so drunk she cant stand up. The kids get out and start lol saying "mommy is drunk again" I was somewhere between rage and just wanting to crawl in a hole to hide. I got one of the friends to take the kids with her to spend the night..EXW got in the shower and I got on her phone..Saw the texts with OM and just said fuck it I am done. I texted the OM and said I knew what was going and from her phone..Went and on got a beer and sat on the deck..The gf that took the kids home called to check on me...We talked for awhile and she admitted that my EXW had been telling people that I physically abused her (more projection). I am an ex college football player and a big man. If I had ever done anything, there would be marks I told the gf..She said she never really believed it but wanted me to know..About that time exw must have gotten out of the shower and seen text to OM..I saw the look on her face and told her GF to remain on the phone and she would get to hear who the abuser was. After punching, slapping, kicking me for about 30-40 secs she ran out of steam. I picked the phone back up and her gf was in tears and said she was calling the cops. Cops came and arrested her..After they left I packed some things and moved into a friends basement. I filed for divorce a few weeks after I moved out.

I dont know what all happened after I was gone, but after I had been gone for 2-3 weeks, her 1st husband contacted me and was filing for an emergency hearing to get custody of his kids... He had heard all kinds of things and told me that OM was fresh out of rehab.She lost them in Aug of 2009 and still does not have them back to this day..Just every other weekend.

She was diagnosed with a mild case of narcissm which I think is bullshit..I think she has BPD...But anyway she was ordered to go to IC and parenting classes by the courts.

I have spent the last coulple of years in IC and learned alot about myself. I have focused on my career and not dated in the last few years..at least not a LTR. A couple of weeks ago I started having the first senses of wanting to date again and I came back to this website and read every post on it again..I guess to remind me that I really did "survive" and also just to remind me that there are so many people out there that go through this..I will share some things that I learned

In most cases imo, if you are dealing with someone who has a mental disease, the M will not last. Maybe if they are willing to seek IC and are really serious about it..But still doubtful imo.

I could see trying to R if it was a one night stand or their first time to cheat. But in most cases, serial cheaters will not change. I learned from several people that my exw had cheated on everyone she has been with...including the OM

Nothing was easy about my situation, but not having biological kids with my exw made walking away easier..But at the same time if you are trying to R with a serial cheater, why do you want to be someone's 2nd choice ?

While the A was very devasting to me, it also served as a blessing for me to see how disturbed my exw was.

I would have thought the summer of 2009 would have been my ew's "bottom" but it wasnt. I tried to maintain a relationship with the step kids, but she made it impossible. she was evicted from her house two months ago and called me asking to move in..I changed my cell number the next day.

Again, I apologize if this is not the right forum to put this post on..Feel free to move it..I cant thank each of you enough for having the courage to come on here and share your stories. I think each person heals at a different rate. It has taken me 3 years to even want to date someone seriously..But I know whoever it is, if they dont run when they hear this story, they will be getting a better man bc of the strength and knowledge I have gained and this site played a big part in that...I will be glad to answer questions anyone has and I hope my story helps.

Hi Ready,

Thank you for your story. I'm sorry for your hard time.

I've been posting on SI for a while and tend to come here in my darkest hours. Lately there have been many, but now the holidays are past and I filed for D, so maybe there will be less triggers?

I have been lucky and only seen OW on the web, but have had to meet a family member when WH brought them to my house to do a project.

One of my struggles is the lack of boundaries our WS's display when A's go on. It is a subject I can't get out of my mind and doesn't seem to have closure...maybe because it keeps happening in various ways?

My STBXH (soon to be ex husband) lives with Ow and makes no bones about it, has "confessed" to family and friends and is not interested in our M any longer, nor for some time. He thinks OW is this magical person whose farts don't smell and it was me and M who caused all of his life's problems...but they are still happening!

We had a nice life too. He was a talented IT guy who made a great salary but has been unemployed for over a year and is running out of money-teehee.

Your post "spoke" to me because what would really make me happy is if the A fails. No, I don't want him back, I filed the D papers this week-but to know and see him realize that it was not "real" but a fantasy they made would really help me. He speaks to people of a future with Ow and it makes me gag.

I think he is not a person who should be married and not promise anyone monogamy because he can't do it. So instead of ruining paths like a hurricane, why can't WS's just stay single and be jigelows?

I don't want to generalize on the site so will make it about me, but I think I was convenient to marry -wanted to marry at the same time as he-and provided some sense of normalcy where he could hide sex addiction. Maybe your WW could hide her drinking and show some normalcy for a time, at least as long as she could carry it off?

WH in my case is extremely narcissistic and people other than me have asked if he may be bipolor-including several counselors, though it may be behavior from mid life crisis and trying to continue his double life.

Yes, looking back at the changes in him, it was not easy to pick up on at first. When he started putting distance between us that was physical, a flag went up, but I would never have guessed an A in a thousand years. He made a magnificent image of a model citizen, while doing porn, sexting, and having sleep overs with OW all the while.

We haven't had things out in public like you, for he worked very hard to keep the lives separate he led-OW is in another state, thanks be-but he crossed a few lines last year and I put a foot down, like bringing the relative.

I dream and think of dating again but can't imagine being worthy of it or anyone right now. I think my self esteem is still too far down in the trash. I dream of parts of dating but not others and actually find solace in being alone to a point, like no one to critize me or my parenting. He calls me a hypocrite parent or double-standard parent now but when I call him on it, he doesn't explain. Never to my face, always behind his electronic tools.

Thank you for your post and best wishes in your healing journey. I will hope for more good minutes than dark ones.

((((R4NS))) Wow, what a story. I am so sorry for what you have gone thru, but so happy that you were able to move on to find a happier life. I feel so sad for the step kids. I hope their natural father is a good man and father to them.

Thanks for sharing your story, I know it will be helpful to so many.

Actually, there is a BH that recently joined that has a similar situation. I can't remember his screen name, but maybe someone here will, and can put the two of you in touch with each other.

Maybe your story will give him hope.

Enjoy your new life!

Peace,

PPGA

Ready

I read your post an d can't believe how alike our situations are! It was almost like reading about myself in the future. My biggest complications are my children. I believe I also married a major narcissist with BP issues. Same physical abuse, viilianized me to her friends w/o my knowledge until they finally saw her for who she was. I video taped an episode. Name calling, back stabbing, spending, getting arrested for being intox with the kids in the car, cheating. I can point to 2 definite. One right after I caught her in another affair. there were also phone calls to OM's in the past she won't admit to. WW would drop thekids off with sitters at a moments notice the last couple of years according to them. I'm glad you made it. Tragically I'm still stuck for some reason. I think it would be so much easier to walk away with my kids , she has an order against her, then try to R. Daycare expenses are huge also and I'm working on those logistics.

I'm glad your ok and thanks so much for your story. It's inspiring and hit home.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 12:09 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

Betrayed 444...I feel your pain and can understand where you are at. I attempted to reconcile 1x in 2011...It seemed like the IC was working and I saw some subtle changes that made me think there was some "hope" I did not want to have a failed marriage on my resume (came from a divorced home myself) and I was kind of the safe haven for the step kids between their Mom an Dad. I was smart enough not to move back in..Kept my own place. But did start spending time with her again..Followed the agenda I found here..Give me passwords, I can check your phone at any time, zero contact with OM etc...She followed the same pattern as when we first met..Covered me up with sex, gifts compliments and attettion for about 2 weeks...I have since learned that is as long as she can keep the act up..Then things slowly started going the other way. Luckily I did not get as emotionally invested as the first time..Sad thing for me is that when she is on her game or "act" she is the coolest woman I have ever known...but you have to realize its all an act..Also why I think she was able to fool all the Dr's. But after about a month it all started again. She came over to my house drunk one night..While laying on the house she started texting..Huge trigger for me now..After she passed out I got her phone and saw a series of texts from someone named "Darlene" asking if we were having sex, what she was wearing etc..I saw a response about "wanting to see you before you go out of town." so I checked the number...It was the OM that she had the A with in 2009. That was it for me. I woke her up told her to leave or I was calling 911..She claimed that her and OM were just friends now..it was not a big deal, he has a serious gf (that part is true) but I had since found out that he was a serial cheater as well..

Like I said earlier I just changed my cell#'s 2-3 weeks ago so she cant even call or text me anymore and not being able to read her lies and bullshit anymore has made a huge difference in my life.

I also dont want anyone thinking that I am some huge success story..I have had some serious dark periods. Felt emasculated as a man. I just came out of the fog one day and realized that I deserve better than this. I have been alone for awhile, but not lonley...Really focused on my career and myself..I really lost sense of who I was and what I stood for bc I spent all my time trying to manage the trainweck that was going on inside my home.

The best part of this site for me was it helped me not feel isolated and singled out for what I was going through.

Also I have seen some posts about narcissits and serial cheaters and they nail it..Their egos have to be fed all the time. Cash, clothes etc..My EXW feeds hers by getting men to pursue her..She is way more into EA's than PA.

At the end of the day when I came out of the fog it just came down to me not wanting to be someone's backup plan or second choice. We are all flawed to some extent, but I know what I dont want in my life now...If I find myself thinking about her I turn on the Lifetime Network and get my drama and dysfunction that way.

I read your story through.

I agree. I spent part of the last year over on bpd family forums trying to figure out if *I* was bpd because I have been going so crazy from all of this, or if my ww fiance was bpd.

BPD people do really damaging things like you have described. I am so sorry you had that happen to you.

I read around on the site and people describe similar events and I always think "that is a bpd".

My conclusion about my fiance?

Since I am diagnosing... NPD combined with PA. Probably circumstantial on the PA, but definitely integrated into his personality for now and something I just can't handle.

BPD can sear your soul into scorched earth. :(

I hope it helps heal you now to have this understanding.

Wow, what a awful time you suffered! Thank God the kids had you at that time and now safe with the father. From such a dark place it sounds like the sun is shining on you! Praying for all good things to come your way!

Ashland 13...you have to remember how raw things are for you now..Everything is still new.

Triggers will be a huge thing for me to overcome moving forward..What if I start dating someone and she has a couple glasses of wine and starts texting ?

I know my situation is unique due to no kids, but I just think at some point you get past the point of no return and too much damage is done..Plus I think WS's that are serial cheaters find it easier to move on to another affair than to put the work in to fix the M.

The biggest thing that makes me sad is the kids..They are such sweet and good kids, but I cant imagine how their adult lives are going to turn out after growing up in this dysfunction..

My EXW got pissed at me for telling her it was not acceptable for her to be taking a bath with her 8 year old son...

Welcome to SI, Ready4. I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing.

You've got me worried about her kids too... it sounds like she's incredibly unbalanced. I'm glad you're taking steps to protect yourself.

Considering where you are in your journey, I know that you would be most welcome in our New Beginnings forum as well. Sharing success stories there is a great uplift.

thank you Jrazz...I did not know where to park my story, but you just pointed me in the right direction...so thank you

Ready,

Thanks again for the posts. I haven't really figured where my WW is mentally at the moment. She doing her rehab, counseling, DV counseling , etc because it is in her best interests to show the courts.

As for serial cheating I think you summed it up. She likes money,shopping( gives her a rush), her prior addiction, and cheating. I caught her in 2. Prior she had asked for and received Money from males I knew due to her sad stories. I once said to her she was being used and what if those affairs didn't work if and when we split. She nonchalantly said she would move on to the next guy. Dunno if she was being a wise ass. I was also told by one of her former girlfriends that she would flirt with her brother and his friends. On one occasion my wife had freaked out about an e-mail she got from her girl friends former boyfriend. WW told me about it but deleted all their communications because she panicked. I think she came on to him and things went too far. He did confess to the email and apologized but well never know what happened. He said there was no PA but he could have been covering his ass. He got back with his girlfriend. Maybe she thought he would expose something. What do you think?

She is a narcissist. I think she needs to be pursued then she Loses interest. She wasn't too terribly upset about losing the last one that I could see. She just seemed annoyed.

I was pissed but I also laughed at her decision of selecting a disgusting character. No money, rented a room, no Drivers license. I'm the exact opposite. Great physical condition, great job, and I wouldn't have a problem replacing her for better.

I think she wanted someone beneath her. I think I'm an idiot for not dropping her like a rock. She's Already caused so many problems. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm not normal for keeping her around. Like I feel bad for her or something. I always told other people the fairy tale is over when stuff like this happened to them but I'm stuck. I'm disappointed with myself. I like to think in a way I'm doing the right thing by my kids and my vows are still worth something.

Even In bed now she is no good. She sucks actually or it's a chore or she's doing me a favor or she says tomorrow. She doesn't even feel good. She has a nice body but now I know I can do better. She just doesn't feel like a wife. I was a couple I know the other day. My buddy said he woke up horny In the middle of the night. She was mad he didn't wake her up. She thought she had a problem for being a nympho. If only.

Anyway thanks again all advice is appreciated.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:39 PM, April 2nd (Tuesday)]

I think a lot of us dudes can relate to your story. Its very strange at how most affair are so similar. Take away the alcoholism and my story is pretty much the same. I too was also falsely accused of being an abuser. On my D-day she had me arrested for a false DV charge when I caught her with her OM. Eventually the truth does come out one way or the other. Sometimes we just come across people who are so adept at lying that we are completely fooled from the get go. My XWW had a brief M prior to ours. Of course her first H abused her also. Or so she convinced me. And all the little signs that we let slide happened as well. It has taken me years to finally see that I was pretty much played the whole time. Except I had many more years with my XWW. But in the end it turned out she was a pathological liar, a serial cheater and basically bad person. Since our D my XWW ha pretty much continued down the same path. Multiple affair with MM. And blame shifting to no end. I was a successful business man. I gave her pretty much what she wanted. I was taken in by her looks and hot body. Something she has learned to use to her advantage I guess. So don't beat yourself up. There are many of us in the same boat. Thanks for posting.

Betrayed444....I totally get where you are coming from..The one time I tired to R with my EXW, I found myself feeling ashamed of doing it..On one hand I wanted to prove that I could "fix us" but at the same time I noticed I was isolating myself socially due to what all had happned in the past...

My EW was the same in bed as you describe yours..Comes on like it will be the ride of your life, but very passive and lazy for the most part when its time to perform..Like I said before, she enjoys the hunt and pursuit of a EA much more than a PA.

Also it helped me to spend alot of time evaluating her and the way she uses people. She has a few GF's that are in bad marriages and that fills one part of her life..But as soon as she noticed that I was moving on...boom there were at least 2-3 new men that she was playing the victem role with and trying to get them to rescue her.

One of the biggest things that kind of got me out of the fog at first was when I moved out of our house, I stayed with a friend from HS and his wife and 3 kids for 2 weeks till I could get a place. I would cook dinner every night to help out and stay busy and after about 3-4 days it was like getting run over by a truck..I can remember thinking (So this is what a normal marriage and family is like)

Does your wife have a hard time hanging onto firends ? My EXW does not have any of the same friends now that she did when we first met...Ruins all relationships.

I wish I could offer you some simple solution..I think it takes different things and time frames for different people..One of the main things that made me walk away was that I thought her IC would help her learn some simple boundaries. It didnt..The way she behaves in public especially when drinking makes my skin crawl now.

In fact I moved to the other side of town to avoid running into her at the store, rest etc..

I know now that I did not really care what others thought about her or us or I would not have tried to R with her. To me at the end of the day it just came down to the realization that there is no cure for her and imo, she will get worse. Also I think in a M your spouse should be your friend, lover and wife..At least that is what I want..There are things that go on inside the walls of your home that should stay there..I really dont want to live with someone that views me as their landlord and someone to come home to when she has nothing better to do..There will always be a EA going on. 2-3 guys that she keeps on the hook to bad mouth me to and be her "heros"..

One thing that I do think about and wonder just how bad it is going to be is in a few years when menopause kicks in and her hormones go nuts...Glad I will not be around..Will make Hurricane Sandy look like a summer rain shower.

Feel free to hit me up anytime..It does me alot of good talking/typing about this debacle

Stronger08...I can totally relate to what you are saying..Sad that we can see all of this now...The best term I have learned on this site is "the fog" my pic should be next to it.

Like you the looks and body lured me in and made me over look a lot of things..

One thing that always bothered me and I think it had caused my EXW to get to this point is her family. Her oldest brother died of a drug over dose several years ago. Her parents basically washed their hands of her..While they talk on the phone, the parents never see her..I just see alot of dysfunction there.

Also I wonder if you experienced this..My EXW was a pro athlete for about 5 years..She would brag about that..Bragged about how pretty she was. Bragged about how "everyone loved her" and bragged about how good of a sales person she was...So I got her a job with a friend of mine....(He may not be a friend much longer...lol) Like everything else she is just full of shit...Did great for about a month...Then went to shit...She might be good a a transactional sales job...But like all her other failed relationships..She is failing at this one too.

I do have a question I hop you dont mind me asking ?? How long have you been D from her and have you started dating again ?

Ready4NewStart

Hi honey. Thanks for sharing your story.

Although it is quite different from mine (and that of many others), I still find that I learn from all the different stories here. So thank you again for sharing. I'm sure there are many others who will benefit from reading it.

Good luck to you in your new life.

Reading your story I was struck by the strength you showed throughout.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you but I do know that there is a lovely lady out there who will be blessed when she finds you.

HUGS

Laura

Damn ready

My WW was always good at making friends but they would never last long. She would gossip about them and constantly compare herself to them or how much better she was. She would always say how they wanted to be like her or buy whatever she bought. Eventually she would have a falling out or her communication with someone would wane. She would slowly isolate ourselves from people such as family members. I would distance myself from my own family because of some drama she started and I would find myself defending her.

Jobs were the same. She would get a job and be very good at it but it was only a matter of time before she would gossip about it or have a problem with a co worker she had a falling out with until eventually she quit. She would be enthusiastic at first and that fire would die.

I got her her last job as a personal trainer. She walked around there like a queen. She was perfect. She would say she was the best and everyone liked her. Wasn't long before she had problems with co workers and decided to bang another. She ended up getting fired. Surprise.

When all of these things happened her friends told me about how she had made me out to be a bad guy in the past. It shocked me. She was keeping them away from me also. Your X sounds just like mine except I don't really know how far down the rabbit hole she went. It's good to hear from someone familiar with this. I can't believe I fell for this.

Feel compelled to chime in.

Where sex is concerned, does she pursue her own pleasure? If not, she ain't really into it.

Where material things are concerned, quit showering. Instead, just be your best self and buy thoughtful (not over the top expensive) gifts for appropriate occasions. Me personally, if I had a man who really knew how to help me pursue my own pleasure and had my heart, I'd live in a tent in an alley with him. View big into material things as a red flag.

Just thought I'd give you some insight from a female perspective.