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(((Myname)))

Do you know what I see? You made an appt.

6 mos ago you weren't ready to make that call. You took a step forward, found an IC, and called for an appt. That is progress. Whether you go today or reschedule, you can do this. Take pride and get strength from each step you take. We are here for you.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:39 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

(((Myname)))

I'm glad to see how self-aware you are. You know that you need help, but you're not ready to take another step forward to get it. I (and probably everyone else here) hope that you can reach out for help before you hurt yourself. You've come so far. Keep posting. Stay strong.

Myname,

If you could only see what we see in you! You have SO many wonderful qualities and can have such a bright future ahead of you. We care SO much about you.

If you do not make it to your appointment today, don't be so hard on yourself. You can make another appointment and go. I totally agree your IC has seen it all. My problem is I tell too much.

You are such a strong caring man and give so much to us. Please be good to yourself and try to let someone help you.

Hugs and prayers.

My IC always tells me she is my "safe place" there is nothing I can't tell her. Please try and take this step...or call? Maybe the first appointment can be over the phone?

What Jo2love said.

I think that the whole Easter ridiculousness (on your family's part) may have set you off a bit.

It takes a while to recover from fresh emotional trauma. Maybe the timing for IC wasn't right. You are still taking great steps.

Try to separate out the thoughts of self harm from the "real" you. You know that's not you. You know that's not ok. We all have things crop up to varying degrees in our heads when we have high anxiety. You've talked yourself out of this before - you can do it again.

I'd like to start a light dialogue about how we can get you into a doctor for some anti-depressants. I'm not usually this pushy or blunt with members, but your posts are so dire that I'm hoping since you trust us enough to come to us when you're scared and hurting... maybe we can talk about the least scary/obtrusive way to get to a doctor.

When I had HMO insurance, I was pretty much a number to my doctor. I made an appointment, went in and said "I think I'm depressed" and half an hour later I had a zoloft prescription. While to some this may sound like gross negligence, I think that for someone in your situation a drive-thru appointment might not be that bad.

I know there may be WAY more here that you're not comfortable with talking about. I'm just trying to throw out anything that might help. You can send me a "Jrazz, STFU" pm if you want and I will totally understand. You can also send a cupcake request if you want.

(((Myname)))

((Myname))

It's not going to get better unless you dump it all out there for someone else to help.

You've found that self harm is oly a temporary fix.

Please check in- we care about you.

(((Myname)))

Hope you're ok.

We've talked before about this. (((myname)))

Suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly. You are in dangerous territory. You are trying so hard to get better and reach out. I know it seems hopeless to you but it is not. You CAN get thru this, and you CAN get better. You are making some progress. I am sure it is not as quick as you would like, but real growth is never quick.

Ask your SO to go with you. She can go to your first visit with you. She can be there for support. She can help you with the intake process. You have talked about what you are afraid of. They are not going to lock you up for self-harm. Many people do that and as long as you are not in immediate danger, they just try to work with you to find healthier ways to express the range of emotions you are feeling (or not feeling) inside.

I know you realize that seeing a therapist is in your best interest right now. You called to make the appointment, right? Call again, and let them know over the phone that you have extreme social anxiety and let them know what you are afraid of. They will talk to you about it. They hear this type of thing all the time. You are not alone. They are used to dealing with this.

I know you are tired from fighting so hard to keep from the self harm. Let someone else help you. We all need support sometimes. Let them help you.

In following your story I'm really surprised you've attracted someone in this state.

I may have misunderstood this but I take offense to this. There is a lot more to me then depression, self harm, etc. I have a lot to offer, and if you've actually followed me at all or you just read some of what the other posters in this thread have written about me you will catch a glimpse of what I have to offer. I will not sit here and let someone put me down. I've gotten put down enough in my life by my family and my WW. I will not put up with it from anyone else anymore.

I did not go to IC today. I ended up cutting myself too. I'm okay now but I feel like a total failure.

Ask your SO to go with you. She can go to your first visit with you. She can be there for support. She can help you with the intake process.

SO is long distance but I know she would go with me if she lived closer. She's been extremely supportive.

I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to get to IC. I'm not sure if I'm going to set up another appointment or not. I almost think that going to IC is going to cause me more harm than good right now.

I've been going to a support group almost every week for the last year and still have not been able to talk in the group. I don't see IC being much different. I know I need IC I just don't know if I'm ready for it right now.

Jrazz, I think you might be right as far as the Easter fiasco setting me off. That was right about the time I started going down hill. I'm thinking a little more about possibly taking AD's but I'm still very nervous about it.

((myname))

You can't succeed if you don't try. You're trying. Keep pushing yourself. Same you have with working out.

Schedule another IC. Can you talk to the IC on the phone? I don't know if our family counselor would have done an intake appointment on the phone but she will do phone appointments with the kids. You could ask.

Keep after it. Myname. This was a setback but we seldom succeed in a straight line.

(((Myname)))

You are not a failure. You are trying to find your way out - that is a positive. Please don't stop trying. You've made so much progress, just take it step by step.

You are not shooting for perfection, just progress. (I tell myself this often, btw)

You have so many people who care about you and what happens to you, because you are worth more than you realize. ((Hugs))

We go downhill, we climb back up. Tomorrow's a new day, Myname, and with no major family holidays in sight you should be set for a while.

Take care of yourself.

(((Myname)))

(((((MyName)))))

Really proud of you for making an appt. that was a huge step. Even more proud that you come here and let folks know what is going on with you. Wish you had not cut, but happy that you are here to talk about it. You went several months without cutting. You may not see it, but I see big strides forward by you this year. In another thread Moo said 2 steps forward, one back is not failure, it is the cha cha. (Paraphrasing a little). You are beginning to dance! Be proud of the progress you made. Reach out for help when you are ready, keep posting.

Praying for you.

((Myname))

One day at a time. Tomorrow is day 1 of not cutting yourself.

I'm thinking about you.

MyName,

I'm going to break from the pack here a little bit. While I do think that it is a step forward for you to have made the appointment (and that is a good thing) ... I do not believe that your posting here is a good thing.

You need far more help than anyone here is capable of providing. Even of one (or more of us were psychiatrists) the help that we can offer over the Internet is severely limited. When you add in the limitation that we are not doctors ... the actual help we can provide is further limited to nearly nothing.

I think skipping your IC appointment and posting here instead is incredibly selfish. You have, for the past three years, put an incredible burden in the shoulders of real people who desperately want to help you. By using this place as your therapy, complete with no-show where you disappear for weeks or months, you place the burden of needing to help you and worrying about you on a lot of people.

As for what Sean said ... On some level I agree with him. While I am sure that you do have a lot to offer to another person you also have a lot of broken parts. Severe depression, self-harm, suicid ideation, a fear of leaving your home, a fear of entering professional office spaces, an inability to cope with stresses ... those are some serious drawbacks and they probably are equal to or out weigh your strong points. On a personal level I have some serious doubts about what kind of person would be attracted to starting a relationship with someone whose mental health is in as precarious a state as yours is presented as by you. Which leads me to wonder how much of what you've told us here have you shared with her? And is it really fair to bring another person into your life when you're clearly not in any semblance of control yet? Is it fair to look to her, in any way no matter how small, as a part of the "fix" for your life, when in truth she isn't able or capable of fixing it any more than we are?

You owe it to yourself (yes to your SO and your family but mostly to yourself) to try to become a healthy you. You cannot do that by limiting yourself to posting here all the time rather than seeking therapy. At some point you have to move beyond your comfort level here.

At this point, if you were my child, I would be recommending in-patient therapy as I really think your suicidal ideation and self-harming behaviours are more severe than out-patient therapy are designed for.

I know you're going to get mad at me because I'm putting you down. That is not my intent. But I also won't blow smoke up your ass either. From what you have said here and from my personal and educational experiences with mental illness, depression, and cutting ... You're reaching critical mass. If you don't do something drastic and do it soon you may not be around to do it in the future. Which will be another horrible burden you lay in the shoulders of those here who care about you.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 8:26 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

I refuse to talk to IC about anything though.

You don't need to share your entire life story with IC. Talk about the weather. Talk about some things from the past. Keep talking until your comfortable enough to share about your self-harm and why you're seeking IC. Until then, talk about other things and you will make progress in time. You've gotta start somewhere. You've been going to a support group, which is great, but you will benefit SOOO much more if you share something with the group. Perhaps next time you attend, you could share 1 thing in your group. Just 1 thing. I was in a peer support group in high school. Like you, I didn't share much. I only shared about things that were easy to talk about, not my core issues. I used the excuse that everyone's problems were worse than mine. To this day, I have a difficult time sharing my thoughts/opinions verbally. I usually cry a little, even if it's nothing major. Once I teared up telling someone where I would like to go out to eat... I had another group experience in grad school. I was able to open up with them and receive support from them. It was amazing.

No relationship (of any type) with anyone will work if I don't get help.

I'm worried that you won't be alive to have a relationship if you don't get help.

Myname, I truly believe that taking AD's will help you tremendously. I'm not really sure why you are nervous about taking them. (If you've stated that somewhere earlier, I've missed it.) It will be such a help. I also believe that once you start taking them you will be able to not only make the IC appointments, but you will actually be able to go. Please consider this.

[This message edited by broken2 at 11:00 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

I agree that you were brave to make the IC appointment... now please, please take the next step and either talk to them on the phone or go in for an appointment. Even if you don't delve into everything... just go.

SG is right... there's only so much we can do to help you here and I too feel like you're reaching critical mass. Please, please reach out for help IRL in addition to the support you have here.

We're all pulling for you, Myname and we're all worried about you. I know it's hard but I also know you can do it. The fact that you're open with us here speaks to the strength you have inside and it shows that you do want help to turn things around.

The last thing I've ever wanted to do is put a burden on others, especially the people here. I post here because I have no one else IRL. My family does not know about the A or any of my other issues and they are not very supportive of me anyway. All of my friends prior to the A left me. I have one friend IRL now (he's a newish friend) but I haven't told him everything. SO knows everything and even more than what the people here on SI know.

I do not expect SO or anyone else to be able to fix me.

I hesitate to say this but I'm saying it so people don't have to worry about me. I will be taking a step back from posting on SI for a while. I need to reevaluate some things.