SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been feeling pissy about OW lately. There's lots of reasons that I could be 1) 4/18 is the day they started the PA 2) X and I are going to finalize the D in the coming weeks. 3) Its been 5 yrs and they are still together. 4) She seemed to have slipped in to my old life w/no probs.

She and my X are doing the things he and I dreamed. Taking trips, major adventures ect. She seems to have stepped int my old social circle w/o even a bump.

This has all been bothering me. I've directed my angst at OW. Its got nothing to do with her.

I've made choices over the last five years that have taken me away from that in more than just the distance of my move away from my old home town. I'm missing it!!! I loved those dreams and the things we did preparing for them. I miss it so much some time.

Its likely that in a couple of years I can start to do some of those things again. Right now my focus is restoring my financial health. It doesn't leave as much time for those fun things as I used to have.

My SO doesn't do those things. I don't need him to join me but I do make time choices (he's worth it) but it does change things.

I miss my old life a lot right now but that isn't OW's fault. I made the choices.

Anyone else miss what was? Not in regards to their X but the social things, the dreams that have changed? The hobbies? The friends?

Every day

Yes. Every time WH does something that we were going to do together it makes me sad. In fairness, I could be there. He wants me back. However, I can't trust him not to do it again. He has already been with at least 5 women, one after the first DD.

I want the life we planned. But I want it with the husband I thought I had. That's impossible. He doesn't exist.

My life has changed for the better in so many ways - I'm far more social now thanks to no-one sucking all of the joy out of the room and my dreams are now bigger and better than they ever were.

It might be because we were only a few years into into it so still had 10-15 years of building before we could really enjoy it. Not my plan, of course. I'm much more carpe diem - I didn't want to waste my girls childhoods tied to a mortgage and married to our jobs.

That was the future I escaped - they escaped with me.

I do miss the chance of modelling a happy, healthy, loving intact family for my girls though. A part of my mourning was mourning the dream I had of their oldies still holding hands and canoodling on the couch at 80.

Not - my parents split when I was 4, when I was 18m old.

No. I don't miss the friends or the dreams. I got to keep both of those.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way tonight.

*sigh*

still fill a little blue about it.

I should be clear that I've made these changes with a clear head, knowing I'd be giving up some things. I'm' happy with the way things are going.

It was very much carpe diem. I'm very much a carpe diem person. However, that attitude has left some gaps in my life that I'm working on filling. I need and want to be doing what I am now. Just b/c I don't drink the entire bottle of wine doesn't mean stopping at one glass is all bad or all good I guess.

(((Hexed))) Yes, I still miss my old life. I miss being an in tact family. But, like someone else said- I grieve for what I thought I had. When I really think about it, it wasn't real. My x is not who I thought he was. Not anymore. Hang in there- you'll make it.

I've had similar thoughts lately. I moved away from my city because it was rather small and I didn't want to hazard running into the X and the OW. I was just too raw. (I never put the 'blame' on the OW-she was pretty much inconsequential-but I didn't want to see the 'happy couple'.)

I regret it now. I don't miss my old life, per se, but I do miss that city. I loved it there and I regret running away from it. However, I know I would have done some things that I would regret even more if I had to deal with the X on a regular basis due to living there.

I hope you can fully work out your feelings with regard to this; it sounds like you're making headway.

((((hexed))))

I think these thoughts are coming up as your divorce is becoming final. The life you once had with your X is soon to be completely officially over. It makes sense that you would be missing what you once had, even if you're happy with your new beginning.

I don't miss the life I had with XH, but I miss the dreams I had for my family. I miss going for rides on his motorcycle. I miss the relationships I built with his family. Life would be so much simpler if it had all worked out. There would be no visitation agreements, child support, or weekly parenting updates.

I have to say though, my new beginning is definitely better than my old life. I'm happy. SO's family loves me and my boys. I'm figuring out how to do things on my own. My family and friends are a great support when I need them.

It would be nice if I didn't think about OW anymore though. XH hasn't seen her in over 2 years, yet I still think about her nearly daily.

Crawling from the wreckage is painful and takes forever doesn't it?

I look back and think how just over five years ago we were living with my mom in a nice house in one of the best neighbourhoods.

Then it started with a broken hip, the first house sale, the ugly discoveries, the sturm and drang of buying and selling and moving again....

And all the grief in between. Sheesh.

But then I remember that I could *never* get x to dream about the future. He had such a shitty childhood that he never dared to dream, and that is so sad.

So we never really had a plan. Just bounced along from one scenario to the next, which pretty much sums up what his life was like on the road.

I'm pissed that I allowed that to happen, but it wasn't such a bad life. I just liked being married.

My social life was one area where things got better after D. My XH preferred smoking pot and gaming over having friends. After we split up is when I started doing things I always wanted to do and making loads of friends.

I felt this way too. I even cried in the shower once because when I ran out of my expensive facial cleanser I wouldn't be able to buy more, then I thought of my face cream, my serum, etc, and it spiraled down into I'll be ugly because I can't afford any of my beauty products and no one will ever love me because he took my life away blah blah blah.

And my ex took not OW but sparkly new vagina on the one kind of vacation he always refused to take me on. He had a thousand reasons why he'd hate it. But suddenly there he goes. I'm not proud of it but I for a moment wished their plane would crash.

Anyway, it turns out that I can afford my facial cleanser if I watch my budget, and I found a good, cheaper face cream and serum. The biggest thing of all is I'm not always walking on eggshells, hoping to avoid an explosive rage because one of the kids left a light on, or one of the many innocent things I did that I was consistently verbally beat up about. I am no longer defeated at the thought of all the potential OW in the world. Always on the lookout for threats to my marriage. And I no longer jump guiltily when I hear his key in the door...because he doesn't have a key. And it's MY door.

Think of all the good things about not being with him, or think of all the bad things about being with him.

I want the life we planned. But I want it with the husband I thought I had. That's impossible. He doesn't exist.

^^^This... at least sometimes. I have a terrible time making up my mind about big things, and I'm also way too good at second-guessing myself. exWH was very good and keeping me focused and bringing my sort of wild-ass random dreams into a manageable form. Now I have all the time in the world (well, as far as I know anyway), I will be inheriting a bit from my late dad so the finances have eased, yet every time I start to think about all the things I could do (travel being a biggy), I can't focus. It becomes a big, nightmare-ish mess of "How on earth will I do all that?!" and I back away, return to sitting on my couch watching TV. With exWH, at least we had very specific plans we were working towards. I need to learn how to do that without him. Sometimes it's very difficult.

I understand how you are feeling. My life has not turned out as I planned, but it might not have anyway, even without infidelity and divorce.

After nearly 24 years of marriage and an empty nest, I thought we would have an easier time financially. But taking one home and splitting into two left us both back at square one financially.

The great thing I have discovered is that although I'm not living the life I thought I would have, I am living a pretty damn good life.

I am having new adventures, meeting new people, and living life to the fullest. My XWH, on the other hand, is sitting home most of the time and going to the dirt track races on Saturday night is his big social life.

In looking back, he never wanted to try new things, travel, or get out of his comfort zone. I have left my comfort zone many times since the D, and have discovered some wonderful things out there.

So, I think that when circumstances change, you need to change your dreams! They can be just as good or better than your old dreams.

NL

Well, I guess I'm fortunate in that our infidelity shit storm was so encompassing, Rico's not really living large either. He's in a small one-bedroom upper flat with Sparkle Panties and her two cats (of which he's extremely allergic) with a BMW that's literally on its last wheel.

On the other hand, that's what really sucks sometimes. Our life sans infidelity would have been huge right now.

That said, I'm somewhat in the camp with not really knowing who I had. When I look at all he's done to me, there is simply no possible way he could have loved me. And of late, I'm spending too much time thinking about that. It's crazy-making for sure.

I now try to focus on my future - whatever that will turn out to be - and be happy that for what it's worth, the years that were good with us were the best years he will ever have had.

AJ's MOM

It was really tough in the beginning to watch the dreams of my married life dissolve as my marriage did. As time went on I found I was much happier when I focused on the positive aspects of how my life was changing, my new friends, my new goals and my new life all the way around.

When I feel down about it I look at all the friends I have made in the last couple of years, all of the experiences I have had and all I have learned. None of those would have been the same if my marriage had survived. I focus on the positive side of things and that has made a big difference.

I focus on now rather then what I *might* have lost. I cant change it so I embrace what I have. I think now I am more worried about what I might miss if I am focused on the past.

What a shame to miss what we have right now. You might miss some of the best experiences in your life by not being able to see or appreciate them.

I miss my old life and the future life we talked about. I miss who I thought my STBXH was. I am, however, a little excited about my new future. I'm terrified of being a single first time mom, but also a little excited about the possibilities. I will be able to provide my son a life of authenticity that he never would have had if I stayed married to my STBXH. I just hope I hang onto this silver lining when I'm stressed about making ends meet.