In thinking about things I want to work with in IC the thing that kept coming into my mind is that I am too helpful. I am sometimes helpful to a fault or to my detriment. This seems a ridiculous thing to be focusing on now given what I have done but there it is.
I believe I have abandonment issues, self-loathing, CSA (I hope that stands for what I think it does…), among other issues and here I am focusing on being too helpful? Why???
I told my IC about it and initially she brushed it off as kindness. “Kindness is a good thing and we don’t want to take that away from you.” But she came back to it in our next session with some questions. Do I put others needs above my own? Yes, and sometimes I put strangers or acquaintances’ needs above those of my family and myself. Why do I feel my own needs aren’t important? Where did I first learn this?
Of course it goes back to FOO. My mother. Being heard, or not being heard, I think. Children should be seen and not heard. My mom was dealing with some horrific infidelity throughout my entire childhood. It's safe to say she was a bit distracted. Just like the rest of us she was doing the very best she knew how but I believe I learned to minimize my own wants and needs early on.
I don’t think I’m articulating this well, as usual… Does anyone have any light to shed on working through similar issues? I feel like I have my toe in but am unsure how to proceed.
ETA...
Chaos? That was a big part of my childhood I think. Could that be part of it?
Mom cheated on dad, divorced him when I was 7 to marry the AP who then cheated on her for 20 plus years until she finally divorced him. She then dated a cheater, and married a different cheater, con man, pathological liar... But I was married and working on being a cheater myself by the time we discovered her current hubby is a cheater.
I'm thinking with all this fighting and uncertainty going on in my foo I was probably not wanting to cause any ripples myself by doing something crazy like wanting to be heard.
I was sexually assaulted at around 8-10 years old. (I can't believe I can type that without having a melt down now.) And I remember when I finally tried to tell my mom what had happened she basically told me I was imagining it or making it up so that probably didn't help with the whole being heard thing.
So anyway, I have these issues I'm starting to identify. How do I start fixing them?
Sorry about the length. Once I got started I felt I needed to get it out and look at it...
[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:28 AM, April 12th (Friday)]
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.