SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have suspected my husband of cheating, he always denied it and made me feel crazy.

I went to the dr about 2 weeks ago. She told me I have herpes. She tried to tell me I could have had it for years and it just now broke out. I knew it wasn't true. She was saying it to make me feel better.

I called my husband and ask him if he had ever cheated on me. He of course denied it. I said to him, if you have this might be a good time to tell me. He again denied it. I then said to him do you want to tell me how I got herpes?

He then says that he did once. That he went on ashley maddison, talked to someone 3 times, met her at a hotel and had sex.

I am a very logical person. I tend to think things to death. I told him a few days later that I knew he was lying, that no woman would do that.

He then told me it was a prostitute. He found her on CL. He said he didn't know it was a prostitute until he got there. He paid her 120$. Talk about feeling worthless.

I asked him if he wore a condom, he said not during oral. Hence, the herpes.

He says he has never done it before, not since he has been with me.

He begged me not to leave him, said he would do anything to make it up to mr, if only I will forgive him and give him another chance.

I know this is long, but what do you think?

Butterfly24.

My heart goes out to you. I, like a lot of other SI members, have and are still going through what you are going through. Chances are, he has a sexual addiction that he has kept from you. That he isn't ready to admit he has. It could just be once. Reality: probably not. I would bet that you got herpes from him which he got from her or someone else like her.

At this point, do not believe what he tells you. He will be protecting himself and what my Former Wayward Husband's (FWH)Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) said "protecting his sources". If you have access to his computer, check his history and click on the most visited link, if there is one.

He needs to be completely and brutally honest with you. It's up to you to decide how much details you need to hear.If you chose to hear all the details, be prepared to find out more than what he originally admitted to. Be prepared to learn about things that you never thought you would ever be exposed to.

I learned about my FWH "bookings with escorts" by searching his computer's history. I found the site, and found his user name and password. I read feedback and reviews of what they did, where, how, oral, positions, what she wore, the list goes on and on. He Trickled Truth (TT) me for months. Even after counseling he still wasn't being honest with me. It took 9 months for me to learn the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It took him 9 months to fully accept what he had done and what he was. Read my profile for my story.

Please get tested for all STD's as well as HIV. He needs to do the same. Please get counseling from someone who is trained in infidelity and SA, both of you.

If you haven't already done so, visit the healing library and the I can relate forum for the spouses/partners of sex addicts. We are all here to help you survive this and we are here for you.

I think there's alot more to this than he's told you.

Do you know for sure it was a prostitute? He has changed his story as to who it was..so I wouldn't believe anything he says without proof.

Put a keylogger on his computer,and spyware on his cell. DON'T tell him. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if this supposed prostitute was actually a coworker or a friend of yours.

Cheaters lie and minimize. Trust nothing he says.

Is he getting tested for STD's?

Thank you both for answering. He has been going to IC for about 2 years now off and on. But has been going every 2 weeks for months. He said he didn't even tell his counselor what he did. He does have a problem with the online thing. Though I'm not sure I believe in sex addiction. I think it's a cop out to do what you want.

I am a woman who enjoys sex, but he doesn't seem to want it with me. Maybe once a week sometimes less often.

I know it wasn't a co worker because he is self employed, just him and one other man.

I also know it isn't a friend because I really don't have very many and none that would be interested in him as they are older than me and disgusted by cheating as they were cheated on by their ex's.

I have suspected him of cheating before, have found online stuff but nothing to confirm anything physical.

I was tested for all std's and so far every test has been negative. They are not all back yet.

(((Butterfly24))) I am so sorry. No one deserves this.

You asked what I think. I think your husband has had multiple ONS with people (and note I said people, not women) on Ashley Madison, hookers through other online means, and anonymous hookups on CL. Hence the conflicting stories. And regardless of whether or not you believe in sex addiction, I doubt he will stop without proper psych treatment. He may white knuckle it for a while, or take it underground, but he won't stop. He is broken and will continue until he addresses what is broken.

I second checking the computer history (and if he has deleted it, or has private browsing on, google how to retrieve it through the DOS prompts) and getting an idea of what he has been up to. Consider a keylogger. Search for the hidden cell phone. Consider putting a VAR in his car. Typically guys who do this try to cover their online tracks and use a secret phone to meet up. Now that prepaid/no contract smartphones are much cheaper, sometimes they do all the online stuff/chatting/calling on those. I'm not saying you need to find all of his history now, just enough to prove to yourself he has a bigger problem that a one-time hookup. That seems to be a sticking point for you, is there more (as opposed to just is he lying, which you already know he is, or if one-time infidelity is a deal-breaker, which seems to not be the case for you). So you look until you find enough evidence that supports your gut instinct.

Then I would recommend a CSAT therapist, or at least an IC with significant training and experience in trauma therapy. You have and will continue to be severely traumatized by this experience as you find out how much more there is. Again, regardless of what is wrong with him, your focus should be on YOUR healing from this experience. He will have to find his own path to fix what is broken. And most likely he is not going to be able to truly support your healing until he is addressing what makes him broken, so you have to be your own advocate.

Many hugs and best wishes to you. You have a long road ahead of you. But you can do this and you will survive.

(((Butterfly24))) I am so sorry. No one deserves this.

You asked what I think. I think your husband has had multiple ONS with people (and note I said people, not women) on Ashley Madison, hookers through other online means, and anonymous hookups on CL. Hence the conflicting stories. And regardless of whether or not you believe in sex addiction, I doubt he will stop without proper psych treatment. He may white knuckle it for a while, or take it underground, but he won't stop. He is broken and will continue until he addresses what is broken.

I second checking the computer history (and if he has deleted it, or has private browsing on, google how to retrieve it through the DOS prompts) and getting an idea of what he has been up to. Consider a keylogger. Search for the hidden cell phone. Consider putting a VAR in his car. Typically guys who do this try to cover their online tracks and use a secret phone to meet up. Now that prepaid/no contract smartphones are much cheaper, sometimes they do all the online stuff/chatting/calling on those. I'm not saying you need to find all of his history now, just enough to prove to yourself he has a bigger problem that a one-time hookup. That seems to be a sticking point for you, is there more (as opposed to just is he lying, which you already know he is, or if one-time infidelity is a deal-breaker, which seems to not be the case for you). So you look until you find enough evidence that supports your gut instinct.

Then I would recommend a CSAT therapist, or at least an IC with significant training and experience in trauma therapy. You have and will continue to be severely traumatized by this experience as you find out how much more there is. Again, regardless of what is wrong with him, your focus should be on YOUR healing from this experience. He will have to find his own path to fix what is broken. And most likely he is not going to be able to truly support your healing until he is addressing what makes him broken, so you have to be your own advocate.

Many hugs and best wishes to you. You have a long road ahead of you. But you can do this and you will survive.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I agree with the others. He has changed his story twice already. I'm concerned there may be more that you do not know about.

It is going to be very hard to pull the whole truth out of him. My ex tried very hard to convince me that there was just one prostitute. (note-there were more). It was clear he was never going to admit more than what I knew.

It really didn't matter to me how many they were, to be honest. Cheating was a deal breaker for me.

Remember you do NOT deserve this! I'm so very, very sorry. You deserve better.

Big Hugs

He

then says that he did once. That he went on ashley maddison, talked to someone 3 times, met her at a hotel and had sex.

I am a very logical person. I tend to think things to death. I told him a few days later that I knew he was lying, that no woman would do that.

Oh yes they would. Women only join that site to meet men for sex. I'd guess he's met several women from there.

Sorry you found your way here. Everyone on this site has been very helpful.

My WH also went to Craigslist to hire someone for oral sex. He was getting BJ's in our car. It has been 6 weeks since d day and I have been blindside 3 times. He realized a week ago that because of his actions that he may have lost me forever. I gave him until the end of the day to come clean and tell me everything and why. He had not answers so at this point so we live together do to financial problem due to hurricane sandy. He is now in IC to found out why he would throw await our marriage of 27 years just for oral sex.

I still don't believe that he has told me everything.

What kiddingmyself said is 100% correct. Ashley Madison was set up for people to find other people to have sex with. As are other sites. Adult Friend Finder was the site that my FWH used. And the gal that he had sex with was specifically looking for someone to have sex with only.

Bitterfly,

My heart goes out to you! I found out in Feb. that my husband had been seeing prostitutes for the last 14 years of our 37 yr. marriage. the most recent encounters where from CL. What I have found out thru research & what little info my WH has told me is this. It's EXTREMELY rare that hookers will perform any kind of sex without a condom. Not saying that it doesn't happen (it's called BB for bare back) just saying that since these girls rely on doing this for money it stands to reason they don't want to be sidelined by HIV!!! My WH says "they" don't allow clients to perform oral on them. Like I said, there are always those that go against the flow but just something to consider. BTW, whether you believe in sexual addition or not there is an awful lot of information out there regarding it. Just Google it if you haven't already. You will be amazed! I'm pretty new to this site too & I have been overwhelmed at support I have received already. The women on this site are walking the same path & I for one will be listening to the advice they are willing to offer!

Sorry you find yourself here. I would have never know sites like this existed except for my unfortunate circumstances. I think we all have a lot to offer each other! Take care!

So Very Sorry to have you join this site, but glad you found it!!

Have to agreed with others, there is more to his story. Not sure how long it has been from the day he admitted cheating, but sorry to say that it takes awhile for WS to admit all, if they ever do.

Don't discount any one. OW was a friend, neighbor and etc, who had been cheated on ... I knew there was attraction and kept her and his spouse as friends we shared holidays with. Shame on me. 5 years EA and 3 months of intense SA. Never say "Never".....

Lots of hugs to you and know that whatever you decide for you, YOU will survive!!!

I'm so sorry you're here. :(

I wanted to take a minute to help clarify the medical side of this if that's okay. I have a background in Microbiology and Physiology and have worked in the medical field for a while so unfortunately I have become quite familiar with statistics re. STDs.

There are two types of Herpes virus transmitted sexually: HSV1 and HSV2. If a man has sexual intercourse with a woman infected with HSV2 (which is the more commonly sexually transmitted virus; HSV1 causes cold sores and a huge portion of the population has that virus without any problems other than the occasional illness- or stress-induced cold sore) twice a week for a year, the chances he will contract HSV2 are 4%. Over the course of a year. And that's if the only precaution taken is not having sex during an outbreak -- if the woman is taking suppressive therapy, the risk drops to 2%.

So in this light, I think it's fair to say he's probably had extramarital sex more than once. (Or he was infected with it prior to your M and the infection just became active in you, which is also possible.)