SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a long talk with my ws tonight. We went over the finances and our split up plan, how much we can both expect to walk away with, plans after. We were both very civil. We asked questions like how did it get to this place, and where we want to go in the future. I like the person I was talking to. I even told him how much this other woman hurts, like this tortilla is the first thing i have eaten today because I am so sick to my stomach. I couldnt even finish it. I told him when I know he is with her, I wonder if he is saying and doing the same things with her that he did with me. This is part of the pain I am dwaling with. It was a good talk. No where near even speaking of reconcilliation. How can I hate him so much all day and enjoy his company at the end of the evening? Im so confused.

Omahahurt,

You are not alone in the way you feel. It is perfectly NORMAL (hell, it is expected!) to feel such confusion: You are angry and hate him, yet he soothes you in some sick kind of way you can't reconcile in your mind.

This is what a lot of us go through as a BS. It's torment and chaos, and it's a flurry of emotion. Likely, you are feeling good around him and that you 'like' him because he is still someone who is (or was?) very near and dear to your heart. After all, he was your spouse, your best friend, the person you trusted and gave your heart to. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to just immediately undo that after learning of betrayal.

Your head says get the fuck out of there and away from the single source of trauma and pain (your head is trying to protect you), yet your heart is still tied up in the emotion and feelings you feel for him. The two (your head and heart) are in an elaborate game of tug of war.

The best thing you can do is establish firm boundaries for yourself (never mind him for the time being; trust me, he doesn't mind you right now or at all during his A) to protect yourself.

Eat, sleep, and try to find a good source of support.

Just be strong, this will pass.

I have this too and finally realized it is as Theradin says. My mind is screaming obsenities and calling STBXH names, while in some twisted way his presence still is a comfort...though not much.

"Flurry" is a nice description of the feelings we BS's go through and is away from the roller coaster idea, which gets old. I think of it all as very twisted because while we are fully aware finally of what WS are doing, still the letting go is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. It is akin to the physical pain of giving birth for me.

What I notice with my STBXH and a few waywards that I've known of, is that during court and L process, sometimes they are civil and even appear kind. My thought is that it is an appearance type thing and I know at least my STBXH panics when there is conflict, so I would think that some want a peaceful process as well as us BS's?

Omahurt, I've wondered the same things as you: is he telling the same things, doting on her, buying her stuff? He is amazing when he wants to be, the charm and listening skills and pretend empathy reel you in and hook you like the sharp end of a fishing rod. You are in too deep with STBXH before you realize Uh-oh-something's funky here.

It took 20 years for me to uncover the funk and OMG there's so damn much of it.

Somewhere on SI is a neat post and it gives a quote that has provided me comfort. It says that "personality" is what we are allowed to see of a person and who we spend time with, while "Character" is what a person does behind closed doors or when they are alone." I don't know if that's word for word, but it describes STBXH better than I ever could.

I am glad you are able to work with your WS. We are trying to but I noticed when I went over one request with him, I got silence. So I don't know if that will come back as an arguement or he will just do it. I asked for money to reimburse me for false counseling because it was so much money and emotional turmoil.

One thing that's hard to remember is that my STBXH and the others I've known in other marriages, like a neighbor...they are nice when in our actual company and then very different when they are not.

I wonder what your WS said he wanted for the future, but it's really ok if you don't want to tell me-I would ask it of any WS, for I don't think mine even plans what he wants for breakfast.

I am in a similar place in my mind with you and its interesting because my Stbxh is already far entwined with OW and family and OW junior, while I am thinking lately how nice it will be to have no ties or responsiblity for a relationship.

And another question would be, how does she trust him, or how does OW trust your WS? For instance, OW in this case found out she hooked herself a married guy -she told me he confessed after it became PA-but she kept him. I know she must think herself in luuuvvveee, but how could she think its real or could last when it started out as lies? I would ask that of any OW, but don't want to generalize or label.

As well I have the eating problem too. Either starving or nothing for long periods.

His plans for the future are to move in alone. We currently have a large acreage that requires a lot of maintenence. We have tractors and muscle cars, and a fixer upper house. He is very handy and loves doing all this stuff, but he is selling all his hobbies to get out of here. He said if he didn't have the kids, he would up and move to Utah. He does not plan to move in with this other woman he says. I did hit him with a no overnight when you have the kids clause for both of us until you are married and he said he would have to think about it. I got that idea from this site. That would prevent a lot of my fears about that bleep thinking she is raising my kids. She is married with a child as well. Her husband forced their hand as far as telling me when he found out. I think you are right about the charm and the sympathy. I can't decide where I want to go. I don't want to hold on to any glimmer of hope that we will reconcile, but at the same time cannot fathom splitting up the kids. This is so hard everyday.

Hi Omahurt,

Yes, every day is full of hurt, unanswered questions and lonlienss. Even though I can sometimes drum up someone to visit with, it's not the same context as what M was.

STBXH also was selling and giving away belongings right and left all last year and without asking me. It made huge emotional problems for me and finally it stopped when I hired a lawyer. I notice now that he is very, very cooperative if I throw out something about my L or asking him something about some activity or comment from STBXH. I also call him Perv.

We have lots of electronic stuff he was fixing up "for money" but not telling me, kind of like your WH getting rid of things. We have a hobby/project car he was going to sell without telling me, as well.

I would far rather Perv was going to live alone, like your WS says, but he's been "living" (shacking up?" at OW's house for a year off and on or siblings or in the gutter for all I know.

Yes, I am working on the no overnight clause also and am searching with L for any way to prevent our daughter from having to go there. It's in another state so I'm hopeful there could be a way but don't have my hope sky high.

I also put a boundary out for OW or her people to not be allowed at my "our" house. He actually brought one of them last year and I get physically sick knowing that.

Hope you can sort out what you want-I feel that too. I think we are going to lose the house we built because of money and there are actually relatives in competion for us to live there. It's enormous pressure, isn't it?