SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am only two months away from DDay as a WS and very much still feel like living in a diaster zone. I had a short-lived but very intense affair with someone at work which was captured in graphic detail via emails between us which my BS found.

There is a lot of shame, hurt, humiliation and anger all round.. and I am deeply mortified by my behaviour and the lies I've told. We've seperated (I've moved out) as we agreed space was needed for both us but we are trying to work it out and both acknowledge we still love each other - and even though we're not sure if we can .. we are willing to try to work through it.

There areall the long painful conversations and repeated questions which I am doing my best to answer - i've explained my feelings leading up to the affair - but my BS still keeps asking WHY? And I've reached the point where I don't know what to say anymore - I am obviously not giving him what he needs to hear ... but I don't know what else to say and I am scared my inability to answer the question in a way that satisfies him will tear us further apart.

For me - my feelings at the time about myself, him and our relationship is the reason WHY the affair happened .. can anyone BS or WS help me understand what else he is looking for ...

Has anyone else experienced this?

Blackcat, I can relate. I feel a lot like I am asked to answer questions I don't have a full answer to, and worry that my inability to answer them will push my BH further away from me.

I don't think any of us can wrap up the reasons for our affairs into one answer. There are likely many, many "whys" that will only surface through a lot of IC and honest talks with our BSs. For me, I just have to have faith that my continued effort to discover how I could have done what I did through IC, and attempts at righting my wrongs through actions (not just words) will be enough for my BH to know that I am as committed to finding out the why as he is.

In the wreckage/aftermath of an affair it can be difficult for both BS and WS to realize that this is a process, a very long process. There are not going to be any quick answers or fast-track to healing. It is a slog. Do you feel you are both being realistic at how much time and effort it is going to take?

BS here. I was in the same situation as you. My WW and I seperated as a result of her A and she continued the A for another few weks after we seperated. I started to move on when their relationship quickly fell apart and she came out of the fog. She too blamed me and the relationship for her A. But it does take 2 people to have a bad marriage and not work on it. She could have ended it in a better way by either D or really put in the work to work on our marriage. She chose the A route to try and completely destroy it. For that it is 100% her.

I stuggled with her for a couple month while working on R. From my perspective, I took ownership of our marital issues. Even though she contributed I offered 100% ownership of those and I feel those contributed to her A. BUT I didn't have any ownership of her A. That was all on her. We are 8 months out now and she stopped blaming me about 4 months ago. She too is trying to figure out her Why's still. It is alot to go deep with. For her she had very low self esteem, I wasn't meeting her emotional needs (But she didn't communicate them very well to me), She was looking for others to make her feel better about herself, she was doubting herself and her life, she was hanging out with new single friends and a little part of her were jealous of the carefree lifestyle. So now she realizes those are all surface reasons why. She is working with her IC to go deep and figure out why she needed outside validation that she was worthwhile, why she wanted a different life. So its an ongoing road and will take time. Your BS is still in shock. Its a hard thing to wrap your head around as to why someone you care about would do this to you. I set my personal boundaries as to what I would accept to even begin R. I have found the more my WW works on herself dealing with childhood issues and lack of self esteem the better it is for me to work on R. I also made a choice to work on the issues she had with me in our marriage. Without me working on me and her working on her I don't think we would be where we are at today. Hope that helps from the BS side.

I can feel your pain. My A (especially the type) was a shock to my BS. I know how you feel. My BS also asked me why, Why, WHY?? and I also struggled for answers.

But you know what? The real answer is because you could. You 'told' yourself many times why you could - the problems you felt - but the reason you did is because you could.

My BS just couldn't comprehend why I could have an A. Nothing I would say would make it 'ok'. He was right. Nothing could.

I finally said 'Because I could'.

He looked at me, repeated it then said 'your right'.

It was because I could.

Blackkat,

BS here. What helps for me when WS has explained all he can and I still say, "Why?!!" is for WS to say, "I don't know yet, but I will never stop trying to understand."

Some of the contributing factors so far:

Poor boundaries

Low self-worth

Fear of failure at work

Stress from FOO

Emotional blackmail from OW

WH is in IC indefinitely. I am confident that he is digging as deep as possible and won't ever stop understanding so this doesn't happen again.

Hope that helps and best wishes for you and your BS.

It has taken me a very long time to figure out the why and how.

It turned out to involve concepts that I had never even thought about prior to IC or to doing all this research on the nature of infidelity, of which SI has been a major component.

It is only since I've been able to look at my past perceptions and choices in the context of these new concepts that it has finally begun to make sense to me how I could have behaved so disgustingly and selfishly. Very specific thought processes enabled me to do those things and still go home to my BS and act as if what I was doing was somehow okay with me. Understanding those processes is a huge relief because now I know I how they got built and I know that, with sincere effort, I can change them.

I can go into more detail if you like but I just wanted to assure you, blackkat, that it's normal for it to take a long time to figure out what was really going on. The key is to not stop working on it. Expect progress to happen in fits and starts. Expect occasional dead ends. It can be exhausting at times but when you finally figure it out and everything seems to fit, it feels so much better.

Hang in there,

EvolvingSoul

BS here. my question in response is why do you still want your BS? After all, you enjoyed cheating.

The answer I think is because you are selfish "And because you could."

You wanted both. for a while, you could have both. I realize that doesn't paint a nice picture of you. I'm sorry about that.

But in reality, if you hadn't been caught, wouldn't you still be "having both?"

It was because I could.

The opportunity exists for everyone. I think the decision/choice/thought processes to go ahead with it is/are the "why". Somewhere along the line I think there's a conversation you have with yourself. It's an evaluation, negotiation, weighing in of should I or should I not? If you feel/know cheating is wrong and still go ahead with it, then IMO, it took more than "because I could."

This is a question my BH husband has asked me many times, and one I have asked myself almost daily since my A first started.

I have given BH all the answers I think it may be....he doesn't show me enough affection, all he does is work and talk about work w, I have low self esteem,etc. His response to these answers were why didn't you just tell me you were unhappy rather than cheat on me? This response is totally normal and makes sense to me, but I didn't realize how unhappy I was until the OM first initiated conversation and every thing spiraled out of control.

Even though I have my reasons it doesn't justify what I did and doesn't make it any better. The truth is I took the selfish,cowards way out.

Sometimes what we really want to know is why you want to reconcile. Why you want to stay married.

We usually suspect it's just for the kids - to live in the same house with the kids or to have help with the kids and not upset the kids - and the WS really loves the OP more and likes the OP best, except we're just an old obligation that you can't get rid of without being shamed in public or losing money/standard of living or having your parents and your minister think poorly of you. Or worse, the OP doesn't really want you except as a thing on the side, so you'll stick with us, the BS, for a consolation prize, but reluctantly.

So sometimes it's best to explain WHY you want to be married to us, and what you're doing to guarantee to the BS and yourself that you'll never have another affair no matter how sad or depressed or bored you are, or no matter how bad the marriage gets (you would leave first).

Sometimes the broken-person, slippery slope argument has more merit when it's coupled with the why of realizing what you had all along (the marriage) is what you really wanted.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:22 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Perhaps the following article may help you get started titled, The six triggers to an affair:

How understanding why you cheat can help you heal your marriage:

http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/557

BS here. In the aftermath of an affair, we BS make the mistake of wanting a logical explanation for the A. THERE ISN'T ONE! Even the WS, if truly remorseful, can't make sense of it logically. They often ask themselves 'WTF was I thinking?!', because it doesnt make sense to them either. With my wife, the posom used psychology to prey upon her vulnerabilities. I liken him to a wolf circling a herd of sheep looking for a weak one. My wife always had an issue with her looks, especially her weight. She's not that heavy, but full. As a young girl she was very heavy, was teased and it stuck with her. To look at her she seems beautiful and confident, she's always seemed so to me. But inside there was this scar tissue that om picked up on and played upon.

My wife, a generally good and moral person, can't believe her behavior. I was hard on her after d day, but when the fog broke and the realization came through of what she had done and it's impact, she is much harder on herself. She is an intelligent person, very educated. I feel she was compensating for low self image issues, but she has advanced degrees. She can't believe she got suckered by that clown who barely ot his GED, but I tell her he was using tactic on her that she couldn't see plainly, like any con artist does.

Bottom line, there is no logical answer you can give your BS. Just like if you were using drugs and wrecking your life there would be no logical justification. And an A is like a drug. We are in counseling trying to find peace and acceptance of our reality. I hope you find peace too.

what Heavy Sigh said. exactly. that's exactly the things i want to know.

why do you want to stay married? In my case, that's why "I" don't want to reconcile. I don't want to be someone's second choice. I don't want to be a consolation prize.

I want her to go to her AP. Too bad, she fucked up. She doesn't get me anymore. She gets him.

Sorry... but that's why I ask the "why" question. And of course, I get her self-preserving lies.

Mike7, please don't project you and your WW's issues onto the original poster's situation. If you can't keep your responses to the original poster's situation, please stay off the thread.

Thank you.

BS here, Why is, and will be the question.

We ask why, because we can't understand what happened.

We ask why, because our whole life during the A, is in question.

We really don't like " I don't know" as a answer.

Most of us BS's have thought about the future. (Before Dday I did, just even small stuff, working on the house, buying a new bed, things like that) Now I can't even think about stuff like that, realistically.

So the why's, and how's will come up often.

Until in our mind, we figure out why did it happen.

Hopefully through IC and MC, I will find out "why".

I hope it was ok to post this???

but my BS still keeps asking WHY? And I've reached the point where I don't know what to say anymore

Keep answering the absolute worst thing you can do in this situation is to stop answering the question.

If you stop answering, he will make up his own answers. They won't be pretty and will more than likely lead to a path other than R.

I don't know. I am committed to finding the answer. I am so sorry I did this. I will identify what allowed me to make this choice and work to change it. I am so so sorry.

While working through this demonstrate through repeated consistent behaviors that you are changing. Apologize for specific things. e.g- " I am sorry for giving you a reason to doubt my reasons for staying in this M."

Why is a long process. It takes time to find. Even when you think you do there is a likely a layer underneath, you just keep digging. And then dig some more.

For me - my feelings at the time about myself, him and our relationship is the reason WHY the affair happened .. can anyone BS or WS help me understand what else he is looking for ...

First, you are not looking far enough in.

The reason WHY the affair happened is because you allowed it too. You choose to have an affair rather then to seek other outlets for your hurt, pain, frustration, and confusion in your current relationship.

I think the reason why you cant seem to answer his question is because you still havent 100% owned up to the affair.

Once you let it sink in that there were 101 other ways to handle your situation with your spouse and life and relationship - then you can move forward in finding the whys to how you got to this current position.

I will tell you mine, so you might understand a little better maybe.

I thought the reason I had my ONS is because my XH and I didnt have alot in common. XH was actively ignoring me to play video games and he rarely if ever did things that I enjoyed doing. We lived as roommates and I was very starved for attention and I felt like I deserved to be loved and desired. I justified the affiar by saying that I deserved to feel pretty and desired and wanted because my XH wasnt doing that for me and he was Actively ignoring me.

The above is a bunch of excuses that SI'er would call me on and let me know that I am not going far enough. So....

The real reason I did it is because I wanted to and so instead of choosing counseling, seperation/divorce, or actually talking to my XH, I selfishly took away his chance of working things out like an adult.

In my 5+ years of working on myself, I also realized that i have FOO issues and things that i needed to work on that added to my ignorance of how to be in a relationship and what a healthy relationship really was.

I realized that my view of personal bounderies was very skewed and I usually did not think of how my choices would effect my partner at all. It was my way or the highway pretty much all the time.

I also realized that my whole life I have wanted/needed the approval from the males in my family more then the females, I looked up to them more, so impressing them was more important to me, Thus, recieving praise and affection from males in my life was also more important. This led me to the slope that allowed me to think it was ok to cheat on my XH.

I honestly never really learned how to handle relationship stress and the ability to figure out how to navigate tough issues properly, so I didnt have the tools to handle what i needed to handle.

I also didnt have the forethought to get help when I needed it....that relationships dont come with a step by step guide and that it was ok to ask for help when I needed it.

******

Your BS will ask why for a long time, always own the choice, tell them that it was because you were selfish and self centered. Get into IC and learn your FOO, learn what your slope was....and do a Timeline so that you can work on all of that.

Your 'whys' are in there. Keep looking

Thanks to all who posted - sorry I haven't been back online to say thank you before now. Have been moving and currently have no internet!

Anyway, the responses have really helped me - from all perspectives both the BS and WS views.

Reading the responses has really caused a mixed reaction in me emotionally:

a) relief - its common to struggle with this question

b) panic - there is obviously a long road ahead that feels overwhelming at the minute

c)relief - for the practical suggestions that WS/BS have suggested that helped them i.e. its I don't know yet but I am committed to finding out

d) panic - I'm not going deep enough!

Based on the collective wisdom of those who have posted and hae walked this road longer than I have so far ... my answers to the WHY - lonely, low self esteem etc are superficial ...

How far we/I have to go is scary ...

Thanks to all who posted - sorry I haven't been back online to say thank you before now. Have been moving and currently have no internet!

Anyway, the responses have really helped me - from all perspectives both the BS and WS views.

Reading the responses has really caused a mixed reaction in me emotionally:

a) relief - its common to struggle with this question

b) panic - there is obviously a long road ahead that feels overwhelming at the minute

c)relief - for the practical suggestions that WS/BS have suggested that helped them i.e. its I don't know yet but I am committed to finding out

d) panic - I'm not going deep enough!

Based on the collective wisdom of those who have posted and hae walked this road longer than I have so far ... my answers to the WHY - lonely, low self esteem etc are superficial ...

How far we/I have to go is scary ...