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Triggering bad. Been having a fantasticly awesome three weeks. Then BAM! trigger time. WW wanted to go out with coworker for drinks. Asked if it was ok. I said do whatever you want. (Our only night together. I figured she know better). She went anyways. i got mad, hurt, depressed.That was 2 days ago.

Now all I can do is replay all the nasty parts in my brain. Mind movies are on full tilt. Crying my brains out. Want to kill OM. Angry hurt. All this over nothing big. But I cant help it. Hurts so fucking much. Maybe it's my ADHD ruling my brain, but I cant stop the obsession.

(((Yakamishi))) It's not you. There's something that goes along with being a BS where you want your WS to be a total mind reader. We want to be heard, felt, and even anticipated. When we say, "go if you want to go," what we mean is "please pick me over your friends." It's hurtful when they take what we say at face value and don't know when they're supposed to step up and fight for us.

Hang in there. Obsession is normal. My only advice is to try to anticipate possible triggers in the future and speak up for yourself. Something like, "you know what... I'm not sure if you realize this is our only night together this week, but since it is, I really need you to choose me over your coworkers tonight."

And in the meantime - tell her what you're feeling. It's not her fault - you did say SHE could pick, but tell her it hurt you that she picked coworkers over you. One of the things my husband often told me when *I* was the WS was that I never gave him the chance to help me feel better. Give her a chance, tell her your needs, and hopefully she'll step up to the plate.

Hugs...

True ((ms521)) I totally agree when you say we want to be picked. But can't really say it. My husband does the same all the time. Going to the gym, meeting with friends.. Of course I can't say "don't go to the gym, stay with me, spend time with me". I do the same like Yakamishi "ya sure, do whatever u wish" hoping to hear "no I think I want to be here tonight, I miss spending time with u" or something.

And when he goes out I have only doubts and it's the worst time until he's back... Not healthy feelings I know...

I understand your hurt and obsession, it's just normal after the trauma caused by WS. I would say something like "I want to spend time with u tonight, it's our only day, your friends can wait a few other days", I mean I wish I can say that when my husband is leaving me and going out

I understand just how you feel... We get to 7 or 8 months down the road from D-Day and we expect to be past the stage of obsessing and triggering so badly and it's so frustrating and upsetting when we aren't.

I got hit by a really big trigger about a week ago and 7 days down the line and I am STILL reeling from it. Twice this week I have lay on my bed and cried my eyes out and I hadn't done that for at least 6 - 8 weeks. Mind movies are back in full force too. Come on! I'm more than 8 months out! What's wrong with me??

I guess we are just normal... I have read others on here saying that they were still deeply triggered and hurt and upset a year out... I think it goes with the territory unfortunately.

Hang in there! Know you are not alone.

There's something that goes along with being a BS where you want your WS to be a total mind reader.

And this ^^^ is so true, I am guilty of that a LOT.

I disagree about not saying anything to the WS.

You have been traumatized by the infidelity.

It takes a very forgiving person to try to R after infidelity.

You are showing unconditional love for your WS.

The least a WS can do is show their love and commitment by putting your needs first for a change.

Healing from d-day takes a long time.

In my case- I decided that the only way that I would even consider R is if everything about the 'old' marriage changed.

So, the guys nights out were over. ( the MOW/co-worker was a drinking buddy and hung out with the guys).

My FWH also got sober right after d-day and has stayed sober ever since.

So many things have changed for us since d-day.

One example-

We spend tons of time together.

You need to tell your WS what you need to R.

I figured she know better

Gently, hon, but this is P/A behavior. You should have told her you would be hurt by this if she did it. Then, if she went anyway, it's all on her.

R is hard work. She may not be up to it in the long run, but you need to assert your requiements; she can't read your mind.

Be as honest as you can...then be more honest. Do it kindly but just as Sad in Az states...being honest with your feelings allows your wife to take full responsibility for her actions. Dont beg or threaten...just answer her questions honestly.

She may actually think it is all okay to go out...think nothing of it really. As a BS this is not possible...but I have come to realize by projecting myself onto my wife I make very wrong assumptions...which lead to very wrong decisions.

I am new at this. Hope this helps.

We have to get away from thinking about SHOULDS and deal honestly and openly wiht the realities of our unique situations.

God be with us all.

To add, wasn't your MC's opinion that your WS must stop drinking in order to R?

Yakamishi,

What you're going through is perfectly normal. It sounds as though your WW may not be on the same page as you with respect to appropriate behaviors that are helpful for R.

However, I also believe that you should be very explicit with her instead of implying that she should pick you. That is, if you don't feel comfortable with her going out drinking, I would recommend explicitly stating that, and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her doing that at this point in R (which I'm guessing is still relatively new, especially if her 'going out' was a part of her A). If she doesn't respect your concerns, then that says a lot about her commitment to R.

My WW and I like to go out whenever we can. However, the difference now is that we try to go out together, whenever possible. If not, I may go with a couple friends to a familiar bar or something, or she'll go with a familiar friend to a bar for drinks. However, our primary goal when going out is to try to go out together, which is usually the case 90% of the time we're going out.

Going out can be a great time, and help ease tensions, feelings, etc., so I don't ever recommend against it. However, I think it can be done in a way that is supportive and 'safe' for both people.

In short, next time you feel uncomfortable with your WW going out with coworkers, I would express this. However, I would express it WAY prior to the fact (like, say, tomorrow?) so that it doesn't seem as though you are reacting to her decision to go out, and instead, and bringing up a real concern of yours. That way, she has time to think about it and process what you're expressing, and not while she is, say, putting on her make-up to go out in an hour or two, if that makes sense?

Best of luck!

Thanks all for the advice. I get the notion that some of the failure of communication was on me. What I was truly frustrated with was my emotional response. I ended up sobbing for the hours waiting for her to get home from work. Then more crying with her. Then an argument over polygraph. Now we're not talking.

I'm not happy where we are. I feel like I'm back in month one. Lost I've the pain of disbelief. Questioning everything all over again. that there is no way this is real. Wishing that I would just wake up from the nightmare.

I feel so alone. I still can't believe this has happened.