SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do people have real relationships anymore? I'm not sure how to do this?! I was married for 16 years, and all I have seen is people who act like they are in relationships, but don't say they are. Like a friends with benefits thing. I guess it's easier if they find someone new? I need serious help. I can't seem to find something real! Most of my friends are married.

I am most certainly no expert here, but I think that you need to heal the wounds of your very recent divorce first. It is pretty difficult to find a great relationship if you're still broken.

I would have been in no condition to be a great partner to anyone soon after my husband's infidelity. Several people on SI thought that I am not in a condition to do so this soon after his death. The time required to heal is one of those "your mileage may vary" things.

You have to know, down to your bones, that you are always gonna be OK - no matter what - to be able to afford the risk of a new love.

This might look like I'm not answering but, I am so bear with it!!

The same kind of thing that happened with me I see happening now with my friends- even my divorced MIL!!

I was friends with the girl who is now my wife but, it was that awkward friendship I felt like are we/aren't we- she would spend an evening with me and we'd have a kiss then be like friends the next day!! I'd then hear she'd started seeing someone!! I used to be like WTF?! So then she'd finish the guy, we slept together... guess what?! Barely spoke to me again then started seeing someone else!! So then she had a first date with some guy at a party my band were performing- I took action- to be honest I sang a song which includes the lyrics "and if it comes down to me and him, you know I'd kiss you better" (cheeky I know) and I looked at her the whole time singing even pointed to them both. She left the gig around 20mins after I'd sang, her friend said she'd left and shouted in my face "why didn't you go over to her after singing- you're playing her" and so I ran after them... said sorry to the guy and picked her up in a fireman's lift and ran with her back to the party.

It turned out that she didn't think I was that into her and was scared about looking like a fool. She thought I wanted "a friend with benefits"- she said "if you liked me so much, why didn't you talk to me after singing".

The point is- they do exist but I think people have to be brave. I think people get too scared of looking daft. Especially people who have been hurt.

You have to take the plunge and risk it. My now wife could have been like- wtf are you doing you weirdo!! Or worse, she could have said "I don't like you like that". I decided to just go for it.

I know I talk a load of rubbish but I'm almost certain there's advice/opinion in here somewhere!!

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:35 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

I think you need to take a little time and just be. Your marriage of 15 years ended recently. Although your Dday was several months ago, I find it hard to imagine that jumping into the dating arena this soon is a good thing to do.

I know there are stories of people who meet the love of their life shortly after D. However, I believe most people find out that dating too soon after D can be a disaster.

Having said that, everyone has to learn this for themselves. I didn't listen and went through a lot of additional heart ache. And I learned and grew from the experience.

Now, 8 years post-D, I have found a wonderful man and we have a terrific relationship. I am much older than you - 52, but I have no desire to marry again. BTDT - my children are grown and I have grandchildren.

So different perspective than yours - however, my advice is the same. Take some time off from looking for a relationship and just improve the relationship you have with yourself.

If this experience has taught me anything, it's that the only person I can count on 100% is the one I see in the mirror every day.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Just to clarify myself. I am not asking if it is right for me to have a realationship. I am all for taking my time and feeling things out. I knew and adapted to his leaving within the first six months. I know it sounds cruel, but our marriage was over from the time he told me. I fought through it, and let it go. You can't make someone love you if they don't and he didn't.

I am mainly asking this to know how to start looking. I am just curious. My super close friends are all married because they were mutual friends. But some friends that aren't all that close to me have shared this same frustration. I know that I am not built to be a "hookup" or a "friends with benefits". I am someone who likes the real deal.

I have met and gotten to know two men since being separated from my ex. The first one seemed like he was so similar in what he was looking for, also divorced with two children. But I soon found out he was just looking for a friend with benefits, and he wasn't so great with the friends part. LOL.

Then the next man I met said he likes to take his time and let things develop. We have been communicating for almost 4 months. I just don't know exactly where I stand I guess. I don't want to push things because I guess I am a little gun shy, and nervous. But at the same time I want to know what he is thinking. This is frustrating.

I think just jump in with your eyes closed!!

Meet lots of people and yes see how things develop then if one takes your fancy- tell them so!!

Just try and remember it's not the end of the world if they decide it's not for them- be like- NEXT!!

Anyway- that's just my opinion. Totally dismiss it if you'd rather- I am an idiot afterall

Edited to say- I thought that's what you were asking but then my last post ended up looking so out of place!! I hope it did make sense...

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:16 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

Yes, real relationships do exist. You will find one when you are ready.

In the meantime, you have to be strong enough to walk away from things that don't work. You also must be strong enough to endure heartbreak, because even real relationships can break.

Good luck.

NL

Yes they do. But you have to expand your notion of what a "real relationship" is. Most of the people I know who have fantastic relationships are not the type of relationship you would see on TV (with the white picket fence and the 2.3 children ....)

they do exist but I think people have to be brave.

I'm in a very non-traditional relationship right now and this, so far, has been the best and healthiest relationship of my life. I've gone thru quite a few frogs though to get to my prince.

We are going on 5 months and we were friends for a year first. He is 20 years younger than me. I friend-zoned him because of the age....but we clicked so well as "buddies." He had to be brave and keep putting himself out there for rejection over and over because I kept brushing him off. I had to be brave to finally open my mind up to the possibility that this could be something great.

We are deeply in love, spend every spare minute possible together, confide our vulnerabilities and weaknesses and fears, talk about EVERYTHING together and never let anything just "sit" with us....and we want the same thing. We want to be a family. We want some normalcy (as much as there can be normalcy). And we want this relationship and always put it first.

Yes they are out there. But I believe you have to open your mind a bit and be okay at looking outside the box a bit, you have to be willing to put your heart out there, and you have to be willing to take a chance (and sometimes you will fail....but it only takes one success )

I have been trying to define what I want, and I guess I kind of already have it, but it isn't clearly defined. Maybe I would like a little more time also. We get along great, and are together a bunch. He met my kids once as my friend. Maybe I am stuck on the wrong thing?