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our son just turned 9. According to him he's a-okay with all this. He says he knew that mom & dad had nothing in common and that we fought a lot. Is it possible that he's simply okay with it? I keep asking him if he needs to talk about it and he says no - that he is fine.

My teen (from another man) is suicidal over the situation and is seeing 2 doctors. But the 9 yr old, our bio-son, is fine.

Thoughts?

Normal to be fine? No. Normal to lie about it to try and not be yet another problem? Yes.

I put my kids in counseling just a couple weeks after we separated. I think kids need their own counselors to help them adjust, even if they can't articulate their need for help.

My dd acted like it was no big deal at first, but is now starting to question a lot of things and tells me she is sad. He might need some time for it all to sink in before he'll really respond to it.

I agree that he needs his own therapist. My son is very protective of me ~ to the point where he wouldn't share his true feelings with me. His therapist reminded him that his momma (me ) is a strong momma and can handle whatever he wants to share. He is more open now. I think your son may be trying to spare you any more hurt and tears but trust me, he is hurting.

I can tell you that at 9 years old, I made myself seem fine because I didnt want to be one more issue on the pile that my mom had to deal with.

In reality I was having a really hard time with the situation, and to make matters harder, I really didnt have the right words for my feelings or even know how to talk about what was going though my mind about it.

We went to a therapist and at the time I thought it was just a cool place to hang out. There were tons of toys and stuff, and as I would play the therapist asked me questions and stuff. I guess I did ok, cause I would feel better and I had a better handle on things after all those sessions.

I agree, it's normal to say he's fine but if he is "normal" he's probably not as fine as he says.

When my parents divorced, I was relieved. My father was being such an asshole at that point (to my mom AND me) that I wanted him gone myself by the time she made him go for cheating with her friend when I was 14. However, it still hurt deeply and I didn't want to be more stress on my mother who was VERY depressed for a while.

My 8y/o DS has been saying he's "fine" lately and feeling better but I know it's going to be a long time before he is really "fine" with this situation. I know exactly what happened and (for the most part) why my WH almost overnight turned into a moral-less ass bent on destroying his family. I can only imagine what it would be like trying to accept these sudden changes without having any solid answers about why any of this happened.

I can't tell them that their dad is likely disordered and has no capacity for empathy and really doesn't care who he hurts if he feels it benefits him, even when he briefly acts like he does care. I won't tell them that their dad is not a good guy even if that is what I believe now. They have to form their own opinions as time goes on. Which means they are kind of left in the dark for a while.

I'm trying to keep communication open with them. They know that all of this made me very sad and was very hurtful but I emphasize that they can ALWAYS tell me what's wrong and even if I can't fix the problem, it will help them feel better to tell me anyway. I really want them to understand that keeping everything inside is not how to deal with emotions.

I wish I could say "that's what your father did and look at the hot mess he has become because of that. Let that be a warning kids!" But that's a convo for their adult years. lol!

Well he may be fine now but that doesn't mean he won't have a delayed reaction in the future.

My son is 10, he was 8 when we split. He was overly emotional for the first 2 months then was 'accepting'.

Now 2 years later he isn't coping very well at all, he even told me the other day "it would be better if I was dead!" I was gobsmacked! He was straight to IC again the next day.

It's hard, we just want to protect our babies from their heartache. Just keep a close eye on him it could very well be a delayed reaction some time in the future.

My oldest son (14 years)has just recently finally saw his father for the POS he truly is and is no longer having any relationship with him. His father managed to kill the last bit of hope he had that his father would change and put his kids first, it will never happen though.

He is a much happier kid now.

Three years ago during my year of suffering and agony over WHs ongoing affair my son was 9 and yes, he suffered, because he suddenly couldn`t reach me, saw me desperate , unattentive to him and constantly "in my own world ". He would listen to my phone conversations, check my messages and turn with all his anger not against his father (who wasn`t there) but against me. I felt soo unbelievably sorry for him ! From the moment onward that it was announced that I will separate and move back home with DS and DD my son was much better; he knew we would return to the house he had grown up in and he felt that things were settled in a way. He settled very well in school and certainly misses his father but also told me once when I asked him about it: " You know, Mama, he was never at home anyway" , so he is used to Papa visiting him every 7 to 8 weeks and -most important for him- he is happy that Papa and I are still on good and friendly terms and that I have a very loving relation with my MIL and all my WHs relatives in his home country. I often wonder how DS feels about WHs OW (whom he lives with now and of whom DS does not know that she wrecked our family) but honestly I think he is not much interested in her as she doesn`t play any role in his life.

My own parents divorced when I was 7 and I was fine with it.

I knew then and still today that they are just not good "together".

They tried to reconcil when I was 14 and I was upset about THAT. I think I was the only child of divorce that did not want their parents to get back together.

Of course, they split again.

Even at my ole age of 43....one of my biggest fears is they will get back together again.

Anyway - back to your 9 yr old. When we were at that stage in my house, they did some in-school group sessions. Our school had a program called "Banana Splits" for kids whose parents were going through separation/divorce.

I also offered to take them to IC if either of them wanted or if there was anything they felt they could not discuss with me.

They both said no. DS said "If you force me to go....I will not speak to IC anyway so it is a waste".

So like you, I made the offer and then backed off.

What does your gut say? Do you feel he is dealing ok?