SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for posting this.

WH is my best friend, we're totally compatible, we had a great marriage before the A, and he's a model of R, and a terrific dad.

Yet, I have "daydreamed" about him dying. Of course I do not really wish for this at all. I think it comes of feeling like I don't have any good options. I can't divorce him because of kids, finances, family, friends, and the annoying fact that I love him. So, they only way for me to get out of living intimately with my betrayer is if he died.

I know intellectually that it would be 1000 time worse than this if he died. But my heart is in so much pain that emotionally, it seems like it would be a relief on some level.

I don't think these thoughts are a sign of anything other than the human heart dealing with betrayal.

If it helps, my WH sometimes thinks of death (not suicide because he knows that would be incredibly selfish and he's not actually suicidal). As time goes by and the reality of what he did sinks in, he is in more and more pain. I'm not ready to be compassionate, but he truly would rather dead sometimes than feel the loss of his integrity and face the pain he caused me.

What everybody else said^^^^^^^

Impossible isn't it? To really love someone and work to reconcile with them but to wish them dead?

Not impossible...I do it, wish him dead that is. I am currently working to increase his life insurance ~ Hmmm, is that wishful thinking?

I am one of the *fortunate* ones. I have an extremely remorseful WH; a model WH really...but a WH nonetheless. I hate him for what he did, that is the man I wish death upon.

Another common thread for SI'ers, who'd have thunk it! Truly, I really did not think about 'this" but I did recall telling H it would have been preferable that he died, there is dignity in death, this, not so much.

And, funny thing, he brings it up now. When he has a cold or doing something at work that puts him at risk. " ISH, you still wanting me dead, might happen today" and then sometimes I say don't do that and sometimes I tell him I will think about it and let him know. (Why lie)

Mine did die - killed himself last year before the divorce was final.

I had wished him dead many times. And I am not sad that he is. He was a very sick and abusive man and is not missed by me at all.

And now I have all the money and the dogs which is exactly what I wanted all along.

But I didn't kill him - he did that all on his own. Wasn't even living with him at the time. No guilt here.

Starting now to make a new life.

So glad there are many of us who think this way. I don’t.think it all the time but after a rough trigger patch I can't help but think "it would make all my anxiety go away".

This is a strange new world

That same sentiment was in "Not just friends" and when I read that it was strange because OM's BW said the exact same thing to me during an early post D day discussion. However now I see others have had the same thoughts.

I must admit to being a bit selfish and have not wished that as it scares me to think about raising 3 kids without WW.

Now if we are talking about OM/OW that's another story.