He agreed to it, but he doesn't like taking care of the kids by himself.
Um, too bad.
Is it fair to ask someone for transparency when you won't give it yourself?
Not that I'm concerned with the 'rights' of any WS... as you can probably tell from my above statement...
but if I had to justify coming here and not telling (him) about it, I would say:
I think our visits here fall under group therapy/support... and as such, I believe, we have the right to keep SI confidential -- especially when the WS is not cooperative / involved in the healing process.
Also, we are anonymous, even more so than we would be at a in-person/face-to-face meeting... so you're not violating his privacy.
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About his objections to your not letting him be physical with you -- After D-Day2, when I knew SOMETHING was going on, I did not want him to touch me... BUT I let him because he was VERY insistent --- I totally REGRET IT. (A couple of days later, he confessed that there was someone but no PA). I SO SO WISH I had not let him pressure me into sex. I remember turning away... turning my face, saying no -- no... near tears... and he insisting verbally and physically - to the point I said "If you keep this up its rape." At which point he jumped up, and stormed out of the room uttering some choice words. I got to the edge of the bed and sat there wrecked/spent / upset... He came back, sat next to me and put his arms around me in a consoling manner... and I was so vulnerable --- and wanted the closeness and comfort -- so I accepted it. This led again to him making a move for sex -- which I STILL did not want, but I allowed because apparently that was the price I had to pay for the 'comfort' I wanted.
My point is, I so regret it -- I felt manipulated, weak, used, violated -- "yucky" -- you name it.
Only reason I didn't/don't beat myself up about it is because I realize I let it happen because I did not have confirmation that there was a PA.
(not that I ever got that - but it ended up not mattering because he wouldn't break off contact with OW).
Just sharing so you don't end up regretting anything Purple Birch... and don't worry SO much about fair -- they owe us... that's MY opinion... sorry if that is offensive to anyone. I think we need to take care of ourselves, especially when our WS is not helpful.