I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. It's 2am here. I'm feeling sad and alone. I let myself get overtired and I know it always results in me laying here, feeling sorry for myself and unable to sleep.
I want to wake my H so he can maybe offer me some comfort but he's in such a deep sleep that I'd feel bad if I did. I doubt he'd mind in fact he'd probably want me too but I can't bring myself to wake him.
I've had a good day today. I survived a trigger as H went to his friend's house to work on his car. This is the same friends house he use to tell me he was going to when he was actually visiting OW.
Back then, I had no reason to doubt him. I knew the area his friend lived but not the address. I didn't think to use find my iPhone because I was not suspicious at all.
Now I know where the friend lives and I could have checked find my iPhone to confirm he was there but I didn't feel the need to. I was proud of that as its the first time he's been to visit that friend in a while. He was worried about it triggering me. He only agreed to go help his friend because I said I wanted him too. I wanted to move past that trigger. I felt that I succeeded in doing so.
I think what has got me feeling so sad is my work with my IC.
She wants me to start working on my self identity. She wants me to write who I was in the past, who I am at present and who I would like to be in the future.
I've been given this thought since our session yesterday and I am stuck at the beginning with who I was in the past. The thoughts I'm having bring me to tears. I just keep thinking about my optimism, my innocence, my genuine, caring, loving nature. I had just turned 15 when I met my H. I was so young, trusting, innocent, caring and hopeful. I was naive enough to believe I could save him from the pain of his childhood. I gave him decades of my life as I tried only to have my efforts repaid with emotional and verbal abuse. We had some great times that kept my hope alive but overall, I was emotionally beaten down.
I finally realized I couldn't 'save' my H. That only he could help himself. I shifted my focus onto myself and finally lost weight, got fit, made lots of friends and started feeling great about myself. This is when my H had his A. This is when I came crashing down. This is when so many parts of me crashed and burnt.
I am grieving the losses in myself. The trusting, innocent, caring, nurturing, optimistic and loving person I was.
It took me years to truly like who I was and now that woman is gone. Now I am trying to find my feet and define who I am right now. I can't. I'm just stuck at grieving who I was.
I know this is my work that only I can do but I am so hurt that my H has taken the woman I was and destroyed her just when I started liking her finally. I know I will find positives in who I am right now. But I think at this moment, I need to grieve the loss of who I was.
Sorry for the long ramble. Hope it makes sense.
