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This is a t/j to the mom with cancer at school topic I posted about earlier.

My kids attend private school, it's a small community. 2 classes per grade. Having this makes for a more 'family' atmosphere.

2 major things have happened to our group, really in DD's 7th grade class. One is a mother is sick. Another is a student/friend is sick.

The mother isn't IN school to know, but the student is NOT in school so it's obvious something is up.

DD's one pal has a mother who has gone to each family 'for the scoop'.

Said mother shared the information with her child who has, in turn, brought it up at schoool...in a 'I know something you don't know' situation.

This REALLY bothers me. For one, the sick student family doesn't want business out there. The mother that 'knows' asked all the good GF's of sick girl to write letters and her family would collect and mail. Ok, nice, right? Well the DD of the fam READ all the letters and discussed them with others. In my book, wrong - wrong - wrong.

Then, the mom that is sick. Letter Girl has a little sis who is friends with the lil sis of sick mom. She tells everyone - I'm sorry your mom has cancer.

The older girls are in 7th grade, the younger ones in 3rd. Maybe the younger doesn't know mom is sick...to me, like WTH! Why wouldn't you tell your child if you felt she HAD to know for some reason to keep it close and not reveal?!

I don't know, I'm not mad in that I would say something, but I am surprised since this older kid is like using the information in a way. It's weird to me. I won't say anything because damage is done, but I did use it as a lesson for my kids.

I was really mad that the DD who got the letters not only read them, but shared her feelings about them to others. They weren't for her to read!

I tell my kids things on a need to know basis. And with that, THIS stays at home or not, ya know?

I just hate that this little girl is using her 'knowledge'. And she is, I'm not reading into shit.

I am just babbling because I want to say something, but I won't.

HI WannaB,

This type of thing has come up at DD's school. It's larger than what you describe but a very small area with many families relatives of others because it's too far out for many other people...lol.

Anyway...I feel as you do with how much kids should be told about some situations. Sometimes they don't need more details even though it could feel like trickle truth, but is so darn hard when not all parents parent in the same way.

When I/we had to tell DD I'm pregnant, it's under such bizarre circumstances that we asked her to keep it quite at school for a little bit...to avoid sensation or attention, you know? To avoid questions and such.

She did really well. If she mentioned it at school, it hasn't come back to me. I did tell the teacher so that she could talk to her and not be all alone in the knowledge there, but yes, I certainly agree that the little girl shouldn't have used her knowledge in that way. It was not appropriate and I'm sorry for the hard time.

We have a friend of DD who had cancer last year at the same school and she decided to tell the kids her DDs were friends with and the others she didn't care about. I liked that idea.

She and I wanted to tell the people we cared about (since then most people know about me) so they heard it from us, but otherwise, it didn't matter. It was too much to think about.

What's nice is that it's brought us a little bit closer and she's shared some of her hard times, as I have with her.

We talk about trying to keep STBXH's A details out of the school, so any advice on that would be helpful...I'll toss that back at you!

Well, if the sick student's family didn't want anyone to know she was sick, why would they have told a mother who has children at the same school? I mean clearly that's going to be shared, as any news would be in such a small, tight community, so it sounds like the family was ok with sharing. And the kids will know if one of their friends suddenly doesn't come to school - or even if the child isn't a good friend but simply a girl they all are familiar with in another grade or classroom. They certainly know there's something up. The "mystery" of a child suddenly disappearing with no explanation will be disturbing as well, and rumors will spread either true or fabricated.

I think it was wrong for the mother to let her children read their classmate's letters before giving them to the sick child. Of course that's completely wrong. But I would blame the parent for this, rather than the children - some kids can keep things under wraps and others are simply not cut out for privacy and secrecy. Especially at certain ages.

For my children I guess I think it's ok if they know that other children they know have gotten sick, or hurt, and allow them to write to their classmate and feel badly about the illness. I think the explanations should definitely be age appropriate. So and so is sick, or so and so is in the hospital. Or, for older children, so and so has leukemia (as happened to my best friend in 7th grade - she was treated successfully but it was scary for us). I expect that other children will talk and spread rumors whether they've been told any information or not. I guess I'd rather tell them the truth than hear the inevitable rumors or speculations, or guesses based on fear of the unknown.

I think the adult case, the mother's illness is slightly different. If the student whose mother is ill wanted to talk to friends about it, then it would be out there pretty quickly and again, in a small community some version of the story would travel quickly. We also live in a small community and I know how difficult it is to keep some things under wraps. The details, yes, but the general idea - impossible for very long.