SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, when I first found out, I was absolutely devastated. and you can read my story here and PM me if you want. I never thought it would get better. My counselor and everyone else kept saying "this too shall pass", and I thought, yeah right. so I never thought I could post something like this here. and here I am.. It gets better. What helped was to focus on me. I was so busy meeting his needs in the marriage, making him happy, doing what he wanted. I didn't realize how unhealthy the relationship was. I am a better person and a better parent by myself. No constant criticism. i can be proud of me! I ran a half marathon last Sunday! My ex would make fun of my time cuz he was so much faster- him and the OW. but i ran with a great group of friends and we had a blast. I did it in 2 hours 21 min and I am proud. And I would never have ran with that group of new friends to train if I were still married. I parent my boys with more calmness, because I'm not afraid of him criticising my decisions. I just do my best and sometimes I'll make mistakes, but I don't have his critical voice in my head anymore so my decisions are better. I am very busy, almost too busy. I have my boys one week and he has the next. the house seems so quiet when they first leave, but then I am so busy with all the stuff I never got a chance to do! I hang out more with people in my neighborhood and I know them better. I took golf lessons and learned that I like it and I'm kind of good at it. I'm taking a vacation by myself this summer and a really cool one with the boys. I've reconnected with old friends from high school and college, go out to dinner or coffee and have lots of laughs.My ex makes fun of my friends when he sees me, but I laugh to myself cuz he doesnt have any. He's so gaga over OW that he doesn't have any. so you know that will backfire. No one person can be the center of your world. I've gone out just casusally with some guys and had some fun conversation. I learned that I am likeable and fun! It's a process, hang in there. Maybe some day we can be grateful for the affair? It will make you stronger if you let it.

I am happy now.

I feel free, like I can do whatever I want and it's going to be okay.

I never cry anymore. I do things to please myself...I don't worry about him, about making him happy, about helping him to see that life can be wonderful and then becoming distraught that he's always upset and never happy.

I was a SAHM. I found a job that I love. He left my house a wreck from all his 'remodeling' projects. I have fixed most of them.

I love life now. I'm not hopeless anymore. I don't wish for oblivion. I wish to live and enjoy every moment.

When I signed up for SI there is a question that says Interests:

I couldnt think of any interests I had! They were all his interests or my childrens!

Anyway, one day I realized I can show my children who I am and give them the childhood memories of fun stuff that XWH wouldn't do with them.

It's hard... my D was final just 7 months ago..but I'm gonna be fine one day at a time!

I was married for 23 years. When the straw that broke the camel's back finally happened ( I stayed way too long) and could finally get myself out of bed, I began to act as if it was going to be ok.

It was a long messy divorce including a 4 day trial. While this drama unfolded I joined a gym, bought a dog, lost 40 pounds, and enrolled in college for the following Fall.

So while going thru Hell I set up my future as if it was going to all work out. when the divorce was final I could not stop smiling at where I was!

Oh yeah and then I moved!

Married 18.5 years, lived together for 20 total.

He cheated once (that I know of) during the first year of marriage. He cried and begged me to stay. DDday 18 years later revealed at least 3 OW. Possible OM from craigslist ads. He was verbally & emotionally abusive most of the time. I stayed way too long because that is what I believed in, afterall he wasn't physically abusing me

, last infidelity discovery(ies) was the dealbreaker.

Even though I hated this man, the detachment process was absolutely devastating. I lost hair, substantial weight, cried in the shower on a daily basis because it was the only place to hide it from the kids. Could not sleep, could not concentrate, mind movies were intrusive and replayed over and over again. It felt like going 100% insane, while trapped in quicksand. The more I struggled, the deeper I sunk into an emotional funk. I then dated way too soon to prove my worth or to fully realize the feel of freedom or attempt to find out what being with another guy would feel like, etc and got involved with another broken person. It took me a year to get over that. Meanwhile x and ow/nw called child protective services on me three times. I was subject to unexpected visits where I had to let strangers into my home to count beds and look in my pantry with NOTHING I could do, no rights, nothing! All reports found to be false btw. My children began feeling the effects of divorce and their dad's new blended insta-fam with a trashy redneck bible thumping junk food eating slob; way out of their culture and comfort zone and familiarity.

I went back to school, still there.

Kids improving daily, long hard road!

I have a boyfriend now. He is over one foot taller than me, and over 100pounds more! So far nice guy. We are coming up on a year of exclusivity. You can't love anyone though until you love yourself. I would not have been "ready" to meet him had I not done the hard emotional work prior to that. He is not the end all be all of my NB. He's just the sprinkles on top of the sundae.

NB was has been filled with discovering who I am after being a SAHM for 10 years, after catering to xwh's needs and desires. It is sooo much better that he isn't around where I have to walk on eggshells, worry about his road rage or blow ups over just about anything (examples: buying wrong laundry detergent or leaving toaster on the counter)He isn't around to tell me my choices or preferences are stupid. He isn't around to act like a crybaby when he is not the center of attention. It's must less exhausting not to have to try to fill up his un-fillable attention-seeking cup 24 hours a day. Being married to that person was very isolating; from family and female friendships because he would usually pout if my attention was elsewhere (ie., on my own needs. (The nerve of me! ) At divorce he also said no one would want me when they found out how I really was. Ok the only people who feel that way about me today this very moment are himself and ow/nw. Hmm. Fucking liar jerk, project much???

If you would have told me at the peak of the worst emotional crisis of my life that things would be better than before I would never have believed you or anyone else.

You are not the exception and these things will happen for you too, but you must put in the effort. You can't get there without doing the heavy lifting.

spring is here and i find that i unexpectedly stop and breathe deeply, intuitively...caught in a chest-swelling moment of "i love my life." i love my NB. i love my growth as a person. as a mother. and now as a wife again.

all my heartache is not forgotten, and there are still complexities that arise from that past, especially because we have a young child to co-parent. regardless, i am amazed that this is my life...not just because of where it was a few years ago, though that difference is astounding. i'm amazed that this is my life, period.

just this morning my mind was wandering around my mental music stacks and stumbled into a refrain from the Talking Heads' Letting the Days Go By. i changed the lyrics ever so slightly to suit my emotion at the time. i found myself singing under my breath:

You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful life.

You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

that's me. how did i get here? i can see the whole path behind me yet it still feels like a downright mystical mystery. my journey has become so mysterious to me, in fact, both in its lows and highs, that i've relinquished much of my control and my fear about the future. i mean, i never predicted the worst of what happened to me this last go 'round anyway, right? i have no reason to believe i'll predict my future any better now. so, i've stopped trying so hard...and suddenly, i find that i have much more now time. i've also found that about 99% of any particular "now" moments i'm in carry little possibility of tragedy. i'll deal with those other "nows" when i get there. if i get there at all.

it gets better. it gets good. it happens for you just the way it is meant...be it with new careers, new power, new fortunes, new loves - of self, of others, of life.

it's freeing. in so many ways. i feel like i have less to lose because i didn't die from a failed M...the pressure is off. i'm not a failure, and i will never again measure myself by a standard that says i've got to get all the important stuff right the first time.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 11:14 AM, May 10th (Friday)]

Hi there. I don't post a lot anymore. I was in R for awhile (as long as it took to realize I was in R but XWH wasn't!), then in S/D and NB.

My D is final, after 3 YEARS of battle.

I'm moving in with my loving, respectful, funny, devoted boyfriend of more than a year, come end of summer. He loves my kid, I love his kids.

If I hadn't let go of my crappy marriage and cheating husband, I'd still be sad and lonely, I'm sure of it. But I took the leap. It was scary as hell. I cried a lot. I leaned often on new friends, and a few of them are like blood to me now. I didn't have such close female friendships before my separation because I was always at home, catering to my XH!

I'm going back to school in a year's time to get the Master's degree I always wanted, but never had the time/money to get (XH traveled a lot for his job and I had a disabled child to take care of). That is my present to myself: the means to never worry about money again, and a pleasurable job for myself.

The most important thing, though, is how my son is thriving. I met someone who just opened his heart to my son. Recently my son told me that he loves my boyfriend! They have a sweet relationship. I can't express how lucky and blessed I feel to know that my son is loved and accepted as part of the package. That was one of my greatest fears in divorcing, that my son would suffer. But he has come to terms with it and is happy in his NB too.

Fear can stop you from seeking out a better life. At some point, you have to step into the void and hope it'll go well. It's a bumpy ride, for sure, but it's worth it. Even if I was alone, I'd still be better off than being with someone who hated me and disrespected me.

Good luck to you!

eta-- once XWH said to me, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" And I said, "God, I sure hope not!"

So far, so good! I'm happier than ever!

[This message edited by jolene at 12:08 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

My attorney gave me great advice, women who were financially upside down in their marriage were better off when divorced from these men. She said they did better and she was right. I have more savings than ever. Even when he doesn't pay me on time, I get by. He was an emotional' financial and spiritual drain on my life. But had he done the right thing, I wouldn't have divorced, thank God he didnt. I am by myself and do not need another person to make me happy. I have my children, friends and my faith. If someone special happens on by, that would be nice, but it is nice not having to cater to the needs of a man who is never happy with anything or anybody.

My new beginning was all about ME! Where did I want to live? What kind of furniture did I want? What did I want to do when it wasn't my nights with our only child? (that one was very hard in the beginning as I was never physically separated from him for more than 2 nights in his 5 year old life.)

After a year and a half separation, a good house to rent, my own clean kitchen :) etc....I jumped online 2 weeks after my divorce papers came in the mail and met the SWEETEST man ever.

My life felt complete before I met him. My NB was me doing my own thing for a year....I can't count the first 6 months because I was devastated, sad, miserable, anxious, etc.

People I have worked with for years now comment how HAPPY I am,how they didn't know this was me. Too funny! This new man has brought that out as icing on the cake.

Think of your NB as the new YOU. What do YOU want for yourself? Make it happen. You are strong enough and worth it.

I just posted part of my NB in this forum under '44 going on 15', feel free to read.

My NB was initially just about survivial. Digging out from underneath the abuse I took from NPD XH who blamed the demise of our marriage and his cheating fully on me. I felt like I was nothing - not an attractive women, not smart, not succesful, not a good mother - just nothing.

Once I got angry, my NB was about me and my girls. Fixing up the house we live in to provide them the best home they can have. As I can afford it, month by month, I am replacing the furniture and making it mine. I got my deck repainted and am busy planting a herb garden and turning my deck into a nice space. I have a cleaning 'guy' and a gardener to help with the heavy lifting. With our separation agreement in place, I am in the fortunate position to have more money than ever available. While XH predicted I would be broke soon, exactly the opposite happened. I am thrilled to budget every month, I am debt free, I started investing and I am involving my girls in spending decisions. We talk about it and decide together on what needs to be fixed, replaced, saved for or what fun stuff we get to do.

I also have been working on myself and I know I am still work in progress. I realized I don't need 'things' to show my worth, something that was NPD XH MO and I followed along. I am trying to push my comfort zone, I have taken to a lot of reading again which XH always hated, have returned to church and above all I have deepened my relationship with my children to a new level. And that is probably the most rewarding aspect of all of this.

And then, I met a man a while ago who resurfaced in my life last week. While I don't know yet where this will take us and while I am still guarding my heart a bit, I am excited beyond my wildest dreams that I can actually 'feel' this way about somebody. The butterflies, the desire, the feeling of this being genuine. When I saw his eyes last night when he told me that I looked beautiful, I believed that he absolutely meant it. I never once heard that from XH...

Like the others, moving on has been the best thing ever in my life. I have never been happier in my entire life then I am now.

I was devistated with the A and loss of my marriage. I worked hard to repair it and looking back, he didn't work at all.

I spent a lot of time in the beginning being sad, crying daily, and scared, over my life. I had almost no friends, no support, a lot of responsibility with my home and farm in addition to a full time job. I had no idea how I was going to financially make it, how I was going to take care of everything (come to find out it wasn't much more then I had already been doing) and then there was the whole side of being alone and having almost no family support.

But I did it. I stuck with IC for about a year, just to help me make sure I was making good decisions. I ended up in a relationship with a friend that I should have known better not to get into. It wasn't bad, we were just not the right people for one another. I spent the next year dating off and on (2nd year after being divorced), and learning to live alone. I spent a lot of time reading on good relationships, people in general, and how to get more out of my life. I came to terms with being alone and actually started enjoying it.

I developed tons of friendships, some great, some that came and went, others that are just peripheral. I learned how to plan things and find lots to do. I discovered my hobbies again. I learned how to handle living alone, and like it to some degree.

Almost 2 years to the day of my divorce I met someone who it has just worked with. He is wonderful and we were engaged on March 20th (the first day of spring) at the Kennedy Center during the intermission of Cinderella. We get along better then I have ever gotten along with anyone else. We have a level of communication I had dreamed of. It works so well partly because I did the work I needed to get to a better place.

My life is better then ever. Not because of my fincee but because of the life I created from the destruction of my previous life. When it all fell apart it gave me the opportunity to start again, to rebuild and reinvent who I am. It made me look at me and figure out what I needed to do differently. It made me look at my life and I made it better. I am stronger, more sure of myself, a better friend, better person and I make better decisions. I am more aware of the world around me and I pay attention to everything. I can take the negative and find the positive.

Moving on was the most pivotal point of my life. It is all about how I chose to deal with everything.

I would not change any of it, even the painful parts because it is all wrapped up together.

I have quite the move on story! Ive been a member since 2003.. its been 10 years.. but I havent been that active lately.

Well first I became a soon to be divorced and pregnant during my XHs infidelity and abandonment. I had to go on welfare and food stamps- so humbling. I had pretty much nothing.

It took me several years to really recover but I had my bachelors, got a job, got a nice apartment and was a single mom from day 1 to my son.. I did some online dating-duds and studs.

One night, I met this nice guy, dated him for 4 years and we married. He's been so amazing to me. We had 2 kids together and my XH pretty much stopped paying child support and doing visitation for years. I always felt like would catch up with him one day. He was just so mean and angry all the time to me when all I did was move on BEAUTIFULLY. One day he called my lawyer because his bank accounts were frozen thinking it was me. She informed him... NOPE. Turns out it was IRS, they were after him for badly running his business (the OWs went after him for his money)

My lawyer, with our permission, asked him if he would be willing to terminate his rights if we signed off on all of the child support. I never in a million years thought he would EVER agree but he did. That absolutely FLOORED me. I felt so badly for my son. He's an amazing kid to ever share DNA with my stupid XH who could just throw him away. Well my son is mine and my new husbands treasure. My new husband as always been there for my son and I and is a great father to our kids as well. My oldest has no idea that is his step dad. My new husband GLADLY adopted my son and we changed his last name to be his. We no longer are in the legal system, no longer deal with child support or visitation. We are FREE from all of that drama!!

Well my new husband is an amazing businessman, he's a great programmer and he's made quite a bit of money for us. Im currently working as well and getting my MBA, Im wearing braces on my teeth for the first time (I hated my gap).. all our cars are paid for, we have 2 homes and are debt free. We are looking to buy another house and have a cruise to take this summer. I love love love love my life!! Its nice to snuggle with my husband and have all 3 of my kids here with me. 10 years ago, I was sleeping on a matress on the floor wondering where my XH was while he spent countless nights away with HER. Now, Im planning birthday parties and laughing with an amazing man. My new husband is 6'5.. looks like superman.. and is sweet and HONEST. He's the nice quiet guy! I love that I have no drama. I honestly tell people this man is my match- he sure makes my XH look like mud and I cant imagine that I ever considered spending my life with XH. I tell everyone, it was a blessing in disguise! I love the person I am today and the life I live. I'm definitely so much happier.