SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think I am not handling my situation properly. I feel like I am being rude and hurtful. Can you believe it? After all that he has done I still worry about hurting him. This is what is going on:

WS and I were attempting, or so I thought, R after D. WS came to me in January and pretty much begged for R. I agreed to R but not to stop D. That lasted until beginning of April when he decided that he didn't want R after all.

Well ever since then I can't even bring myself to look at him or even say hi on the couple of times we have seen each other. Am I being overly nasty, rude, etc? I don't like being mean.

No, disgust. You aren't being overly mean, rude, or nasty, IMO.

I too let my XH beg me into R'ing after I had filed for divorce...also to be disappointed within a few weeks.

You are angry at him for doing this to you AGAIN and perhaps a bit angry at yourself for being led on again.

Don't beat yourself up. If it bothers you that much, do something physical to get it all out like exercise or walking. Personally I took it all out on my son's punching bag.

Good luck.

Thanks gonna. I guess I'm not completely cured of always wanting to please.

bigpicture, you are so right. I think I'm more angry at myself than anyone for allowing this to happen again. Not only to me but to my sons.

Thank you both for your responses.

It's hard to let go.

And we're taught as kids to be polite, always be polite and so on.

I have the same thoughts and feelings as you, disgust and am very conflicted. I also feel mad at myself when I'm nice to him but I find when the anger and bitterness come back, I can't do that.

There is power in negative feelings, but how we respond to it is important.

I find myself not able to look Perv in the eye also and find it's worse as D comes near and I learn more about him. As he becomes less of the man I thought I knew and more of a stranger, the feelings like I'm being rude lessen a little.

FWIW, when it's really bad, I just tell him via text, "don't come in" or "I'm having a bad time". That way, there's no chance I have to cross paths or spend energy on best behavior for someone who did not show me the same.

I hear you Ash. Being on our best behavior takes energy and there are so many things tapping into my energy right now. I am also having trouble looking him in the eye. It's so weird. The man I have been with for so many years and I can't look him in the eye.

digust -

I have anger flare up weekly. Even yesterday she told me "Why haven't you gotten over all this by now?"

Really after 8 months you expect it to be that easy. None of us like being this way. I would expect none of us really were like this before the A. But we are hurt, scorned, damaged and have been walked over. I didn't really start to fire back until the D was final. Then I knew she couldn't come after me anymore for anything else. Since I walked on eggshells prior to the D being final, it now appears I am working less with her (correct), being less nice (correct) and she says she is starting to hate me more. I simply say when that hate gets to the point I'm at, we'll be on equal ground. We will all detach at some point. It just isn't that easy to do it quickly. And you went through it twice in reality. People always tell me to be nice to yourself and take care of you. That will heal you and help detach at some point. I believe it and continue to work at it.

You are not being rude at all. If all you have done is not speak to him when you see him I would say you are beign extremely civil considering the false R he put you through.

Going through false R especially with the WS being the one to quit after begging to try is just plain evil imo. You can't help but be mean. That hurt me more than the A in some ways because I opened myself up again and got stabbed again. I still get pissed about it on occasion. It just reinforces the notion that my STBX is in fact dead to me. I hope you can get to indifference soon.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:38 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I think this is a natural reaction. Necessary too - for detachment.

You're not being rude. You're detaching. As long as you're not ripping his face of I'd say you're being positively friendly given the circumstances.

I'll fake it when I have to - I put on a smile and faked happy for the last few years of my M, it will be a cakewalk to do just do the bare minimum the very few times I ever have to see him again.

He makes my skin crawl - that I don't actually do that all over body shudder like cockroaches are crawling over my body when I have had to see him is a small miracle in and of itself.

You shouldn't look at him and say hello. If the sad clown wasn't being such an arse then a few years down the track I may have been able to summon a greeting or look at him. As it stands I don't see that in his future or mine.

You're not doing anything to hurt his feelings or impact him. I just want to be as invisible to him as he is to me. I'll fake it when my girls need me to and treat him like that idiotic relative you have to see at milestone events.

You don't get to do what they did/are doing and get a smile and a hello. That's not really how it works.

I hate to be the bitter ex, but we didn't set out to be that way, I think it is a defense mechanism so we don't let them hurt us again. Once mine was out the door, I knew no matter how much I loved him that R was off the table, especially after I let him come back the first time I decided to tell him not to come home and he talked me into it.

Thank you SIers. No one understands this mess better than you. I know no one wants to be here but I'm glad there is SI.

[This message edited by disgust at 10:49 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

You are NOT being rude or nasty! Just "not looking at him" is quite kind!

If someone beat you up or beat your children up, would you want to look at that person? Someone has negatively impacted your life, therefore, they are not worthy of courtesy. My stbx does not even deserve for me to be civil but that's as low as I can go !